The Exception

The Question

2009-11-04T12:58:00.000-05:00

We all have stories. How we ended up where we are, the chances taken along the way, and perhaps the “what ifs” that dot our lives. The choices we have made stand tall and clear as we peer upon our histories. The choices we knew weren’t exactly best but we made them all the same and how our lives moved forward as a result. Some of us have stories about college and marrying those we met at the ripe old age of 19. We weren’t exactly compatible, and we knew it, but we made the choice to marry all the same. Or there are those that went directly to careers either just out of high school or just out of college. The leap from student to professional in a matter of months.

And there are those like me that took a different route, moving abroad to do something different. It wasn’t about doing what everyone else was doing or rebelling against what everyone else was doing – it was about following a path and taking advantage of opportunities.

My stories never fell into the traditional American story or one that society looks upon with a great amount of approval or joy – which isn’t to say that my story is negative or extraordinary or beyond belief or sad or anything of the sort… it is simply that it is different. Were I European or Australian, it would be more mainstream. But in America… well, I might just be that person that lives slightly beyond the curve and is thrilled and happy to do so.

At this point in my life, I am probably more American than I ever have been.

Like many others, I have a career. I own a home. I am involved in my daughter’s life and her school functions. I am an active part of her activities as well as my own. We attend theater events as much as time allows and travel to the extent possible.

And that might be where the similarity ends as we aren’t a soccer family and I am not a soccer mom. We spend our weekends beyond the neighborhood as much as possible, do not spend much time in a car, and we are a wonderful mother daughter team – the kind of relationship I always dreamed I would have with my kid… and together we have created it.

Two people that march to their own music; two people that might not even have a drummer in the band.

Two people who genuinely love the lifestyle and the experience shared – as diverse as it might be.

My relationship with the Diva’s dad was no different. It was one that was singular in nature and defied labeling. It just was what it was.

So when, after ten years of not wanting to be a dad to our daughter, and hiding her from everyone significant in his life, circumstances changed and he was allowed to choose to play a role, I found it stunning to find my relationship with him, our individual relationships with our daughter, and her future labeled, scripted, and taken from the singular nature to the common, everyday, this is what every other divorce looks like so this is what it looks like for us too.

Martian wrote about a Japanese saying “The nail that stands up must be hammered down” on the post On Sandwiches.

“The nail that stands up…” That is me. I could relate to that idea as well as the visual.

I am very comfortable being the person who is not like everyone else – who has different ideas, who lives a different life, who doesn’t need external validation… My daughter loves her life that doesn’t really look like anyone else’s in her class or in her family. She and I are one of a kind – and we love who we are.

Yet, how comfortable is society with one of a kind? How happy is society when it finds the singular nature that doesn’t fit with the rest of the community?

How happy is the system with the idea that there are situations that just don’t fit? It isn’t happy with that at all as things that don’t fit, the nails that stand up, well, they are gray. The system, and it doesn’t matter if we are talking the law or the courts or the business world, or the schools or the hospitals… the system doesn’t like gray or different.

Suddenly the Diva’s dad wasn’t about singular nature of relationships. Suddenly I was the nail standing up- the nail that had to be hammered down while he was looking for bench marks and models and the comfort of the known and established and the arms of a society that was more than willing to help him remove the individuality of the situation eve if maintaining the singular nature would benefit our amazing daughter as well as her relationship with both parents.

There is safety in numbers.

There is safety in the masses and in the hammer and in the black and white and the system.

And yet, this nail still stands! These nails still stand and will remain standing!

Validation

2009-11-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

Why is it that so many seek validation from the outside? From some external source?

It isn’t just validation, so many believe that someone else will complete them, will make them happy, can provide the peace or contentment that they seek. It is all about depending on someone else; depending on the external to give something that can actually only be found internally.

I am Rich!

2009-11-02T08:51:00.000-05:00

The sidewalk in front of my house is under construction. I am not sure exactly why, but it is. A board gives us access to our front steps.

The man in the unit below me smokes. We aren’t just talking light, filtered cigarettes. We are talking the unfiltered, very strong, very pungent, fumes can work through various walls and floors, kind of cigarettes that I am not even sure are cigarettes. The smell doesn’t only invade my house but it has penetrated the house across the hall from me as well – a unit with which his shares no mutual wall or floor or anything!

My balcony is a mess. No, mess is too small a word. It is more like the landing zone for a category 2 hurricane. Given my love of plants and nature, the state of my balcony is a bit shocking. However, it is what it is. I will eventually find the time to fix it.

There are parts of my refrigerator that resemble a biology lab more than a food storage unit. I open the door, note what is growing now, and shut the door. At some point I will pull forth the trash can and just… dump!

There are loose tiles in the master bath, the toilet in the Diva’s bathroom is faulty, and the drains are clogged, part of the fun of having thick and long hair….

And I could go on. I could sit here and nit pick my house in so many ways before I moved onto the state of my office and then my discomfort with the way my life is evolving… and yet, I won’t because none of this stuff really matters. Okay, the discomfort with my life’s evolution is a bit more significant than the rest, but the others are just the little things. They are the little things that stand out or cause issues, but I honestly don’t mind them that much. Were my house was a form of significant stress earlier this year, that stress has dissipated. Now it is my house; my home. It is evolving as much as my life it at the moment.

It is a home for which I am grateful.

It took me quite a while to come up with the list above as I honestly do love my home. I love the location, the way the wood feels beneath my feet, the ledge that we decorate for holidays, and the closet at the end of the stairs that has no purpose at all. I love that the design of the kitchen is such that food in cupboards just doesn’t work very well, so we shop in a more European way and things to eat are often visible. I love the green chair that is all about my daughter and the couch that is just beyond comfy… and the sunlight that streams into the bathroom as I shower more than 6 months of the year.

I love my home and the laughter and tears that echo through the walls. I love that it is where my daughter plays and creates and snuggles and feels more safe and comfortable than anywhere else in the world.

And it isn’t big. It isn’t in a gated neighborhood. It doesn’t have a yard or a basement or a mud room. It isn’t in the best zip code or speak of great monetary wealth or status or prestige.

From the outside, my home looks nondescript – perfectly camouflaging all the love and riches that lie within.

For As people around me strive to be or to have what they don’t, I find myself curling up under hand seen quilts, sharing quiet reading time with my daughter and our furry friends, and feeling as if I am beyond wealthy. I am content. If anything, I feel like I have a few too many thing; a bit too much stuff. It is time to simplify life a little and to share my wealth with others.

I not only sit at a table where rich people sit – I live a life that a rich person lives… and it has nothing to do with money or status. It is all about… living life!

This post was inspired by The Ground We Kiss

Halloween

2009-10-30T12:18:00.001-04:00

From ghoulies and ghosties
And long-leggedy beasties
And things that go bump in the night,
Good Lord, deliver us!
~Scottish Saying

There is something magical about this time of year. It is the changing of the colors from the greens, and pinks and purples of summer to the reds and golds and oranges and rusts of autumn. It is the carpet of leaves that muffles the steps down the streets and sidewalks where mere weeks earlier, the walk ways were clear, marching forth under a canopy of green. It is the breeze that sends leaves twirling and dancing through the neighborhoods and the soft sun that sneaks peaks from behind the clouds. Where summer is bright and vivid, awash with colors and vitality; fall is brilliant in bejeweled splendor.

One of fall’s highlights in Halloween with its creativity and its mystery and its magic.

Admittedly, I am not, nor have I ever been, a Halloween person. Granted, it was fun to dress up and trick or treat, but I didn’t miss the practice when it ended after I left 6^th grade.

I found a love for this bewitch date only after I had my daughter; my Diva who delights in the creativity and the darkness of our neighborhood. Since her very first Halloween (for which she dressed as a lion and was… so cute!) she has found delight in Halloween. It isn’t the candy (though she likes her chocolate) as much as it is the work and effort and delight that others take in creating Halloween throughout the neighborhoods.

Years ago one of the neighborhood houses went all out with fog machines and witches and everything you could imagine. The Diva loved it. Every season she remembers it fondly as we walk by. The creativity and the imagination delight her – and at Halloween, people truly go all out at times.

For the past few weeks, we have noted the changes in the neighborhood. She brought home her pumpkins and her haunted house for our decorations, but it is what people do to the outside that amazes her. Our neighborhood has come to life with some interesting visitors.

A spider, a very large hairy spider, has built its Webb in a tree that overhangs one of the sidewalks. Every morning we walk beneath him wishing him well and hoping that he will not suddenly drop electing to have one of us for a snack.

Skeletons have also taken up residency throughout the area. Their hands raised in friendly salutation as we wander our way to school.

And pumpkins… there are loads of pumpkins!

Who knows what will appear on all Hallow’s Eve!

This year we are foregoing trick-or-treating and will actually do a Ghost Walk in one of the country’s most haunted areas – we are forgoing one kind of energy for another… and it promises to be… mysterious in its own way!

Happy Halloween!!

Who Says You Can't Teach an Old Dog New Tricks??

2009-10-29T13:30:00.001-04:00

The Diva is learning to crochet.

I have years, if not decades, of memories involving watching my mom crochet throughout the year. A new baby meant a new blanket, and as she is a teacher, there were usually new babies quite often in her community. She would crochet throughout the year – before the fire, while watching TV, or in the car as we traveled. New patterns, different colors of yarn, and the occasional misplaced hook highlight my memory.

Yet, I never learned. For this and that reason, I never learned.

A few weeks ago my daughter, the queen of tactile learning and hands on crafts, came home desiring a hook and yarn of her own.

This is a desire that I quickly filled realizing that this might be a wonderful craft for her. It would keep her hands moving, allow her a means of relaxation, and it might keep her busy at the symphonies we have schedule this season. I delightfully complied.

In the intervening weeks, she has learned a few stitches, shared her project with her great grandmother, made few items for this and that real or stuffed animal friend, and has expressed that crocheting allows her to get her feelings out. (And yes, it did keep her entertained during her first full symphony.)

I have watched her with her hook and yarn. I have observed the effect in that it truly does have a relaxing way about it – especially for her.

Thus, the other night, while she lounged in the bath, I found a hook and a ball of yarn… and I tried crocheting myself.

And it is relaxing.

It is something I think I would like to pursue a bit more, learn a few more stitches, maybe make a blanket…It is something I can do while on the metro or on the plane.

Mostly, it is something that I can share with my daughter as well as my mom.

I have a long way to go in my crocheting education, but I am in good company with the Diva… and I am beginning to think that when it comes to crocheting, we are both… hooked!

Prove It

2009-10-28T09:29:00.001-04:00

If you listen to a group of kids long enough you might hear one of them say “prove it.” It is the line in the sand. It is the moment in which one must back his claims with a real deed or evidence supporting his claim.

“Prove it!”

Sometimes I wonder if much of our lives are spent looking for proof. We seek evidence indicating that something is real or that it exists. We ask people to prove themselves via their work or their skills or their studies. Proof allows us to see something solid and in black and white over taking a risk or a leap of faith.

We ask people to prove themselves all the time. They have to prove their love, their trustworthiness, and their integrity. Yet, how do we prove our love? How do we prove to someone that we can be trusted? How do we prove ourselves if we have acted in such a way that leaves one questioning either of these?

If someone betrays trust, can that trust ever be regained through adhering to rules and constraints? I question whether that is the way to rebuild trust. Trust is a leap of faith in any situation or circumstance. We must allow ourselves the opportunity to let go, take our hands off the safety bar, open our hearts, and just trust. If conditions and rules are in place surrounding that trust, are we taking the leap or are we reinforcing the distrust that exists?

Love is similar to trust. It is an emotion but it is also a choice. When we question the love that someone feels for us, or we find that we do not trust that love completely, do we ask for proof? Does proof of love come through adhering to conditions and that person becoming the man or woman we wish them to be? Is it something that is proved via the amount of money we are willing to spend or the extent of ourselves we are willing to prostitute for another?

There are many things that we can prove throughout our lives – they are factual; linier; proven via trial and error and experimentation. But, when it comes to love and trust and honesty and such, is asking for proof – are we indicating that the love or trust don’t exist?

As I age, I find that there are more aspects of life that can not be proven. They, like the truth, stand on their own. We either choose to believe or we don’t – and if we don’t want to take the risk and believe… then perhaps we need to move on and find something or someone in which we feel comfortable taking the risk.

Questions

2009-10-27T10:50:00.000-04:00

One thing I have learned, in the past 4 decades… the more black and white the system or a person wants to make something, the more gray and full of nuances it probably is. There are no easy answers. There is not a right and a wrong. It is life – it is messy and it doesn’t always conform to the lines that we draw no matter how much we wish it would.

“You don’t allow your child to go into a house or spend time with people with whom you are uncomfortable?” he asks from his comfortable chair across the room.

As parents, we don’t do this. Before our kids attend play dates or visit the homes or families of friends, we often talk with the parents, or when they are younger, we attend the play date too. If we are not comfortable, we deny the play date. We don’t allow our kids to be in situations that don’t sit well with our intuitive sides just as we, as adults, avoid situations that tingle our spider senses or “don’t feel right.”

What happens when the house is uncomfortable, the situation doesn’t sit well, and the trust isn’t there… and yet, the child is supposed to visit? To stay the night? To spend hours in a situation that is not comfortable for either the child or the parent?

“Are you concerned about physical abuse?” another asks.

Physical abuse is not the concern. Emotional abuse, manipulation, mind games… yes, all of these are possible… and does a child know how to deal with such a situation?

“We can’t protect our kids from everything.”

Part of parenting, a huge part of parenting is letting go and allowing our kids to live their lives and spread their wings. At what age do we feel comfortable forcing this to happen over allowing its natural progression? Do we send them into the situation that doesn’t feel right in order for them to do this and trust that they are going to be okay even though the situation itself is not okay; the situation is one that adults would not choose to enter themselves?

New Beginnings

2009-10-26T11:23:00.001-04:00

"When just starting out on a new journey it's only natural to feel vulnerable. After all, it may seem that you have much to lose. But may I remind you that never again, at any other point in the same journey, will you have so much to gain." ~ Mike Dooley *Quote found at The Jungle of Life

We often think of new beginnings as a different phase of life, a new project, starting a new endeavor, moving to a new city… New beginnings are often something we think to be significant. A change in the way we live our lives. They are notable and often experiences that others can witness or observe.

Yet new beginnings are often little. They are the change in thought that we experience after hearing a beautiful song or receiving a kindness. They can be waking up with gratitude and a smile over burying the head under the pillow and greeting morning with a grunt.

New beginnings are an opportunity to change, to start afresh, to heel, to learn different lessons, and to… live!

And yet, taking the leap and opening that door or changing that thought or opening the heart to the new beginning is not always easy. On the contrary, it can be uncomfortable and difficult. It can be emotionally challenging while invigorating at the same time.

Regardless of how scary or raw or vulnerable I might find myself feeling in such moments, I have to admit that I am more apt to move forward than to close up and retreat… which is exactly what I have felt like doing a few times of late. How easy it would be to close myself off and hide under the quilts. How comforting to seal myself off from potential manipulation or hurt and not take the risk of feeling or loving or living?

And yet, with all of this in mind, I have worked hard to open and to give. I have stepped forward – New Beginning, Here I Come!!

If I get hurt, I get hurt. If the situation unfolds in a way that is negative for me, I will learn from it anyway. I am not sure that any outcome is not worth taking the chance to have that new beginning.

On Being Late

2009-10-23T13:35:00.001-04:00

Some of us are always early. We make a point of being early for everything – giving time for traffic, to get settled, to be comfortable, allowing for the unforeseen events. We are just early.

Others, such as myself, are prompt. If I say this time, I will do everything I can to be on time. If something says that time… I will be there. For me it is a matter of respect – respect for another’s schedule and respect for myself. Allow time and be prompt. (Social events excluded as sometimes fashionably late is prompt). A scheduled time is scheduled for a reason – and I plan my day accordingly so respect that others might or do as well.

Others are late. Habitually late. If the appointment is at 5, they will arrive sometime after that. If the meeting is at 11, it is a given that they will walk in late. Being late is part of their lives. It is part of their MO.

At some point I started wondering if we use time and schedules as a means of control?

I can admit that I find it frustrating, on occasion, to be late for something. If the lateness is something unforeseen, that is one thing, but if it is a means of something else… well, it can be frustrating. It’s something I am learning to let go. Perhaps there is a very good reason I am supposed to be late – probably a reason I will never know, but I am sure there is a reason all the same.

Then I wonder if being late is a control issue?

When we are late, we control the meeting or the appointment or the interview. We set the tone immediately because we are keeping the other person waiting for us. We are asking them to push everything back or put everything on hold while they wait. We become the focus of attention as we walk in late, start the meeting late, arrive at the appointment late… Does that lateness serve as a means of control… if even just a tad?

I am not sure about any of this, but it is something that occurred to me earlier in the week as I found myself late!

My Life in a Few Words

2009-10-22T12:01:00.000-04:00

Love is holding on and letting go…

And, it takes courage and trust to recognize which is required.

This sense of timing is a skill I am developing – and it isn’t always easy…

But it is love

Holding on and letting go… that is love

That is what love asks

Love, trust,

Hold on, let go…

Is the Crime Idealism?

2009-10-21T11:02:00.002-04:00

A few months ago I remember listening to a sociologist suggest that one of the reasons that the divorce rate in the Us is so high is due to the way marriage is viewed by society as a whole. We covet marriage in that we hold it as the ideal, a romantic ideal that may or may not be either healthy or possible. We focus on the wedding, the ceremony, and the romance over the marriage, the work, and the partnership. We sell ourselves short, in some aspects, before we ever walk down the aisle and say “I do” because the wedding and such is a priority. We are not ready for the marriage that happens after the wedding - but we want that wedding and the status of the title “married.”

So we marry young.

We marry people we truly don’t love or with whom we aren’t compatible.

We marry the romance of the wedding and the title over the person with all their idiosyncrasies.

We marry another before we ever truly know ourselves, and then, when we grow and change and find ourselves… we are no longer compatible with our spouse.

We marry because we are afraid to be on our own or because we are not sure that we will ever find anyone as good as this college sweetheart or high school boyfriend even though we already know that it isn’t what we want.

We love the romance of the wedding and the white picket fences and the marriage.

WE love the sparkling rings and the partnership.

America is in love with weddings and marriage.

And some of us are so in love with it that we condemn divorce.

One of my good friends has been divorced for years. Making the decision to leave her marriage was likely the most difficult decision she ever made – and yet it is one that showed great strength and courage. One could argue that it is the most loving thing she ever did for herself and her kids too. She stood up for herself, for the model she wanted for her kids, and said that she wanted more; she wanted a situation in which there was trust, freedom, and love. She wanted that for her kids and for herself.

Every situation is different. This friend chose to leave a marriage as she no longer wanted to spend her time wondering where her husband was, whether or not he was lying to her, and the realization that no matter how hard she worked and they tried, the trust and respect just weren’t there.

I have other friends who simply married the wrong person for the wrong reason at the wrong age. They didn’t find other people to love for years, but in the meantime, they learned who they were and found people who could and would love without expectations. There is a wonderful relationship formed when two people know themselves and are confident and comfortable in their own skins.

Yet, in every situation of which I am familiar, the divorce was difficult. It was not an easy choice. It was not a choice that was made over night or at the drop of a hat. The decision to end the marriage came with much thought, tears, and the knowledge that it was the best move for all – the most loving move for all – and it was scary and hard.

This is what I thought when I read the post at Dad’s House this morning about divorce being a crime.

As David heard divorce grouped with drugs, I have heard single parenting grouped similarly. I always want to ask – who are these people who can make such generalizations and groupings? Who are they that they are so perfect? An acquaintance felt very smug about her marriage in light of the divorces and challenges facing her friends, until she discovered that she had been living in a fantasy marriage for years.

Marriage is difficult. Divorce is difficult. People do both for so many reasons – some healthy, some not; some involving love, some not. Each relationship is singular unto itself no matter how much we would like to generalize. Each party makes choices as a single and as a part of that couple. Who are we to stand outside that situation and suggest that we know what is best?

Life is not ideal – it is not romantic and pretty and easily wrapped and tied with a pretty bow. Life is about people and feelings and emotions. And we are living longer than ever with marriages expected to last longer than ever. We hold those marriages to such high standards that I question whether the crime is the resulting divorce or the romanticism surrounding marriage itself?

Is it possible that our children and our society might be best served by a focus on the challenges of marriage and its real, non-romantic side over condemning the institution of divorce?

Love Light

2009-10-20T13:02:00.000-04:00

One of the most precious things in my life is my daughter’s love.

It isn’t just that she is an amazing kid who has brightened my world for years.

Or that she has provided me with the challenges and lessons to fill a lifetime of text books.

It is that she is all about love. She is all about being herself. She is all about life and living as much of it as possible.

So one of the hardest things for me is to see her having a hard time with her life and all that is happening within it.

“This is hard for me.” She told me the other night.

“I am sorry. I am so sorry.” And I am. I love this child so very much that I would do all I could to protect her and keep her happy.

But that is not the hand that she has been dealt.

That is not the life contract she signed.

She will experience challenges. She will experience adversity. She is being asked to do something that she truly doesn’t want to do over and over again, and this is taking its toll.

Life is going to ask my daughter to spread her wings much sooner than I anticipated. Life is asking her to grow up in ways that other children aren’t; to deal with emotions that many adults have not faced.

And yet, my daughter is doing it with grace. She is doing it with strength.

She is learning that is weird to not say “I love you” when someone says it first – but that it is more uncomfortable to say it and not mean it.

She is learning to express her boundaries, and that staying true to herself is not only doable, but it is hard and a wonderful strength to possess.

And she is doing it while surrounded by the love of so many.

She is doing it from a stable home and with a welcoming heart waiting for her when she returns.

She is doing it with all the love and support this mom can give while still letting go and trusting… trusting in her and life itself.

My daughter is my daughter; she is a wonderful illustration of the love that she is and the mom that I am.

She held my hand as we walked “We are light. We are like the sun shining brightly.”

I couldn’t agree more – regardless of what tomorrow brings,

My daughter and I are Love!

Finding Words isn't Always Easy

2009-10-19T11:43:00.000-04:00

One of the most difficult aspects of having a blog, that people sometimes read, is that it is often difficult to find the right words to write. There is much to say and yet, to say them in the best way is not always easy.

Earlier this week I sat in the chair at the dentist allowing Italian songs to pour over me. While my mouth endured operations I would prefer not to remember, my eyes closed, and I allowed the amazing sounds to fill my head. I didn’t sit and translate. I just let myself listen and understand. Despite the events taking place in my mouth, my mind and heart were at peace.

That peace is something I needed to feel.

A sense of peace is something I used to find in writing.

Right now though, my heart is very sad. My heart is overwhelmed with the reality that people are manipulative and often self centered and some aren’t beyond using their own children as tools to get their way.

I remind myself that love is love… it is truth and light and it is like truth – it will overcome and remain when all else is gone

Before all else is gone though – there is the other stuff. There is the anger and frustration and control. There is the use of kids and money and manipulation to get one’s way. There are challenges to over come and great amounts of fear to face. There are hard times ahead and choices that constantly require infusions of love – choices to be made from a position of balance and not fear.

And yet there is hope – there is love… and at the end of the day if my writing seems to be more about both of these two of late, it is because it is on hope and love that I choose to invest my time over the control and fear that I feel just beyond the walls of my little home.

Italy calls to me as do the Italian words of the music that is the sound track of my days…

“Vivere” Live!! Or Dare to Live!!

This is something I am doing. Not only am I daring to live, I am daring to love, daring to hold true to myself… and I am daring to share.

(Now if I could just find the words to express all I am feeling!)

One Size Fits All?

2009-10-16T09:09:00.001-04:00

Every once in a while I will run across a piece of clothing that says “One size fits all.” Sometimes this is true while others…. Well, I just know that it is going to look very different on me than it will on someone else. It might “fit” but some times “fit” is a term that should be loosely defined.

“One size fits all” seems to be a concept that we, as a society, like. We like to think that a model can be used in most any situation to predict behavior, prescribe solutions, or fix problems. We look to bench marks and precedence provided by similar situations. Sometimes this works. Sometimes everything fits, reasonably well if not perfect. We don’t have the time to Taylor things to fit a given situation or the desire to be flexible – so we turn to the “One size fits all” adage and hope for the best.

But, it doesn’t always work.

When we are dealing with people – adults and children alike – what works for one situation or family might not work for another. What works in this divorce situation might not work in that one. This medication might work wonders for one patient while the same medicine doesn’t cure another. This schedule might work for one kid while another child will rebel. A learning plan works differently with all children – or does it? What heels one marriage might not heel another.

Yet, we try to use models. We try to fit our situation into a framework that worked for another. We turn to specialists who may or may not know all the facts but who can give us generalities as to what might work. And we ignore them when they suggest that flexibility is important because… we find safety in the models and the ideas that our situation is just like that of someone else. It is safe to have faith in the “one size fits all” idea.

A few months ago someone looked at my situation and commented that it was unusual... and no one truly knew what would happen or how the pieces would fall into place. Although a “one size fits all” framework was established, we recognized the singular nature of the situation and the unknown could or would come into play. Flexibility was suggested. It remains to be seen as to whether we can truly tailor the situation as necessary for the well being of everyone or if we will rely upon the model and force things to work even when they don’t.

But today, in our society, in our court system, in our work places, in our schools and families and hospitals… I have to wonder how much flexibility we truly allow?

There is safety in trusting a rigid schedule. There is control in relying upon that framework and attempting to force a square peg into the round hole. We want to know what to expect because we either don’t have the time or the empathy to allow for the flexibility truly required to Taylor a response to fit the situation. We don’t have the time or desire to revisit and regroup and rethink as time goes by. It is easiest to pretend that “one size fits all” and ignore the reality that it just doesn’t work that way.

Light and Shadow

2009-10-15T10:25:00.001-04:00

You can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you.
Rwandan Proverb

Yesterday Mark wrote about Switching on Awareness. A wonderful post with great visuals about flipping a switch within ourselves and seeing what we haven’t seen – noting who we truly are and removing the darkness and the shadows from our worlds or lives. Like many of Mark’s posts, it was uplifting in its gentle reminder as to the light that lives within each of us even on the darkest days… and it is a nice thought that, divinely speaking, it is as easy as flipping on a switch.
Sometimes it is that easy.
Or maybe it just seems easy sometimes.
Sometimes we think we see when we actually don’t.
I can’t tell you how many times people have said something over and over and yet, I don’t truly hear what it is that they are saying until… I hear them. I not only hear them but I stop to wonder… why didn’t I hear that before? Such an easy realization that it is like someone flipped on the light switch. Actually, I didn’t hear it until something inside me was ready to hear it. What is the adage – we can lead a horse to water but we can’t make him drink? You can turn on a light for someone but until they are ready to flip that switch for themselves...
Readiness is something that only we know and sometimes, we don’t know we are ready until we are already there, standing in the light!
“You are MOM.” Came the emphatic voice over the phone.
“Yes I know, but…”
“STOP IT!!”
“What?”
“Listen to yourself. Just stop it!”
And I heard her!! I heard what she was saying. I heard what everyone has been saying for months. For the first time… I heard and the light flipped on – bright, warm, amazing light.
The light is healthy and loving and yet it is also a risk as it means truly having to look… and I mean really look at the life that we are living, the choices we are making, and our actions. Sometimes we deceive ourselves into believing that we are truly seeing with the light on when we are actually quite happy living in the dark.
And other times… we know we are living in the dark, but the idea of flipping on that light and seeing ourselves in the mirror – having to take responsibility for our actions and choices – that is an overwhelming prospect.
Yet how long can we live in the dark? How long can we survive deceiving ourselves and those around us – creating a life that we pretend we want over confronting those shadows?
How long can we run from those chasing us before we realize that as fast as we run, we can’t escape the shadows that are in our heads and in our lives?
Flipping on the light is a gradual process for me. It is not that I spend a great deal of time denying the amazing person that I am (after all, how to deny such greatness is beyond me!!) It is that life is a journey. I made choices that I knew were not about respecting myself. I allowed myself to be entangled in a situation that undermined the person that I am – and I knew, at some level, that I was doing this. I have made choices that, now that the lights are being turned on in my house, are not always easy for me to accept without a little bit of sorrow. Sometimes the anticipation of what lies in that shadow or in that corner is greater than the actuality… and other times, well, I have to remember that I am who I am and, I have done the best I could at each time in my life. I can’t second guess that based on the information I have now – but I can learn and I can move forward in the light!
Casting light – whether it be the warmth of a candle or the bright stadium variety allows us to see that there is nothing to be afraid of. There is nothing that isn’t worth loving… The light removes the secrets and the fears and all that is hidden.
We can out run our external fears – the things that chase us and go bump in the night. Can we truly outrun the fears that lie within, motivate our choices, and play a role in our lives?
If we can’t out run them… can we live a life of happiness/joy and peace without recognizing them and bringing them into the light?

Does the Reason Matter?

2009-10-14T09:17:00.001-04:00

Does the reason matter?

I have been asking myself this question often over the past few days. If the result is positive, does the reason behind the action matter?

Now if that isn’t beyond abstract and vague…

Let me clarify a little.

Dave and Dawn have 5 kids under the age of 8. It would make sense, to me at least, that they don’t travel much. But this is not the case. They drove 10 plus hours (one way) for a little vacation twice last year. Thus, traveling with all those kids is not a challenge for them. They recently drove a few hours to see Dawn’s grandfather who was recently released from the hospital. Yet, they do not drive the 4 or 7 hours to see Dave’s family.

This year Dave and Dawn decided that they would stay at their house for Christmas and the following vacation. Having just moved, they wanted to be at home. Then, out of the blue, they discover that friends of theirs (who reside in the same city as Dave’s grandparents) are moving abroad and those friends would like to see Dave and Dawn before they leave.

So, what does Dave decide to do…?

They are now going to drive the 7 hours to go and see their friends before they leave the states. Oh, and they will see Dawn’s sister and have a quick breakfast with Dave’s grandparents since they will be in town.

The results are positive… Dave’s grandparents (in their late 80’s) will get to see their grandsons for the first time in 2 years, and Dave’s mom will have this wonderful family reunion as her kids will all be together for that breakfast.

The result is positive – so does the reason matter? Does the reason behind the trip make a difference?

I heard this story from my mom who is tickled pink because, as you might have guessed, Dave is my brother. We will change our plans so that we can all be together for that breakfast. Which is fine and great and I am thrilled that this will mean so much to my family. Positive outcome.

My mom is also thrilled that my brother and his crew will be joining us at her house a day or two later. There will be 11 of us in their house. 11 of us in my childhood home which was just perfect for 4 or even 5 – but 11? While talking to my mom I focused on this point – 11 people in a small house with snow outside… there goes my vacation! Can I get a flight out of Phoenix to the Islands or something as that might be a bit more relaxing.

We laughed and joked while inside I was seriously questioning my brother and his motivations. He will drive 7 hours to see friends but will not do it for family.

While relating this story to a friend who has two brothers and a sister, she simply responded that it is a guy thing. She went on to say that she hears about it with her friends and can see it with her brothers. The wife takes care of her family – it is the wives’ family that they visit. She and her husband make an effort to visit both families but in her opinion, the wife will make it a priority to visit hers leaving her husband’s to be visited should time and opportunity allow.

Seriously?

My sister-in-law doesn’t exactly travel to see her family much either (her sister lives in the same city as my grandparents). Neither one of them seems to put much effort into seeing family or associating with family, but when they do, it is usually her family.

But if this is the case – the wife being the more family based of the marriage in many situations – what happens when the children of the marriage are all boys? What is my brother teaching his boys? Is he teaching them that family is less important than friends? Is he teaching them to allow their future wife’s to call the shots?

“You would never get away with that,” my friend informs me. And she is right. I wouldn’t – the difference is that I would never think of doing what my brother does or has done. I make it a priority for my daughter to know my family just as I would make it a priority for her to know her dad’s.

All this aside, my mom is focusing on the fact that we will have a family breakfast; the reason for this occurring is of little importance. In the end, that is the way to see the situation, but I still wonder if, at some point, the reason behind things does matter? My brother visiting family is the result of his going to visit friends… and hey, family happens to live there too. Does his motivation/reason for being there make a difference?

2009-10-13T09:54:00.000-04:00

He stood in front of me as he took the object from my hands. We didn’t look at one another; we didn’t truly speak. I could smell the stress circling around his body – the smell more intense than at any time in the past.

Moments later I heard him laugh, more forced than natural.

This man, once my friend, now sees me as his enemy. This man, once my lover, is now a stranger.

As I sat and pondered this drastic change in him, I found myself remembering the man that I knew. The man who enriched my life and filled it with more laughter and music and experiences than I could begin to express in words.

I wonder what happened to him?

I wonder if I have changed so much –

Or have either of us truly changed at all?

I find myself wondering if I ever truly knew him or whether or not the man that I see before me now is the authentic man?

Who is he? What happened to the man with whom I explored love? From the outside looking in, I don’t see him anymore. From what I hear him say, I wonder if he ever truly understood love as it was shared or given?

I wonder….

The world has turned on its axis. Our lives will never be isolated from one another; we are joined whether he likes it or not. We have to come to terms with that relationship; we have to figure out how to come to terms with the people that we are, the people we are choosing to be and the lives we are choosing to live.

And I find that I love him. I find that I believe in him still.

I do not know that person that he is today or if that smell permeating his skin is still one of stress or whether it is now one of bliss. I don’t know his dreams or his ideas or his delights anymore as he doesn’t know mine.

Yet I love him.

It is one of those inexplicable emotions that is not about location or actions or intimacies. It is about the continual recognition of a person who lives, breathes, shares a part of my life and my heart. It is the love that is about accepting. It is about watching someone from a distance and sending them compassion. The love that is about shared memories, and it is the hope that whatever lies ahead will be all that is desired.

It is one of those loves that is more about letting go than holding on… and acting from that love entails surrendering over controlling and living the moments as they unfold over planning the future.

PS - I Just Can't Think of a Title

2009-10-12T13:09:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend I read the book “Ps, I Love You.” I truly wasn’t sure what to expect, and I had not seen the movie so… it was quite a gamble. The last thing I wanted to read was a romance – which is why “The Senator’s Wife” sits on the floor next to my side of the bed. I just can’t find it within me yet to pick it up and turn the pages though I have heard nice things about the work in general.

So… back to “PS, I Love You.”

First, I am a sucker for books set in cities in which I have lived. This book was set in Dublin… a city I hold near and dear to my heart. For that reason alone, I was willing to give it a try.

And I read it and found myself laughing out loud at times.

Was the book that great? Probably not, but it was the right book with the right, cute sense of humor that I needed at the time. I giggled and chuckled at some of the antics and lines. I even found myself groaning with the lead character, Holly, when her friend Daniel returned to his interesting girlfriend. (Why do men fall for women who treat them like that?)

I love it when the right book comes along – the one that I just need to read at that point in time. It is the book that lifts my spirits or flows with my thinking or brings me a perspective I hadn’t considered. “PS, I Love You” had me remembering that life is short.

Life is truly short and time isn’t to be spent bemoaning the situation or living in fear of what lies beyond… we have to get out there and live it! And yes, it is scary or yes it can be quiet or lonely or whatever. Yes it is challenging at times while at others it is filled with so much hope and love and joy…

It is easy to stay in the rut. It is easy to live the same day every day, eat with the same person, sleep in the same bed, have the same conversations. Even when we have the chance to change, it is easier to stay where we are over facing our fears and trying something different.

Through his messages, Holly’s husband Jerry gives her the way to move forward. Most of us aren’t so lucky as to have someone tell us exactly what to do to get through things… well, unless we have a counselor that sets up a schedule/timeframe for us as to how we should move ahead and what we should do…

Most of us don’t. Most of us are on our own to find answers from within, lean on support offered from without, and we move or we stay. We make choices as to where the next step on the path will fall or if it will fall. It is all up to each of us. It is about taking risks or not taking risks – listening to our hearts or abiding by our fears. It is up to us to choose and make our mistakes and then be accountable for those mistakes.

Sometimes moving forward is about trying something new and taking a different direction. Saying “yes” when we would have said “no” in the past. It is about changing our way of living simply by opening our hearts and minds to trying something new.

Right book at the right time… this is what I thought as my daughter and I did something very different this past weekend. We had a great time, I flirted with a few new men all in fun, and the path shifted just a little.

Right book at the right time – right people at the right time – Perhaps… but who really knows!

(The book was cute and worth reading for a light read)

Friday

2009-10-09T13:13:00.000-04:00

Unlike many, Friday is not my favorite day of the week. In fact, I can say that I have no favorite or least favorite day as each brings something special in its own way and on its own time.

This Friday it is fall.

There isn’t a chill in the air and the trees are bare or awash in red and oranges.

It is Fall in that it just feels like… Fall!

There are the leaves that danced across the sidewalks and into the streets this morning. They teased my feet as I walked before they disappeared in the breeze or were crushed with my steps.

There was the hesitation this morning before I ordered my coffee – do I order the hot or the cold version? The barista took it out of my hands, preparing the cold version… after all, despite my feeling as if it is Fall, the temperatures are a bit balmy.

There are the e-mail that indicate the closing of the reporting cycle. Yes this happens every month but today, for whatever reason, it feels like the ending of a cycle; the changing of the season.

Perhaps that is true about the feeling inside me as well. While I invested a great amount of energy in love and experiences and learning and growing throughout the summer, I now find things settling down. I find myself balancing and moving more toward a calm and restful state. I am moving from the green and vibrant summer to the golden and comforting Fall. My focus might be moving from being out and about to truly being inside, nurturing and caring for my home and my daughter and myself.

It is Friday…

It is a Friday in Fall…

And I just gotta love it!

Wearing a Mask

2009-10-08T11:13:00.000-04:00

From the outside we look normal. From the outside, everything appears to be fine. We are happy people living happy lives and loving every minute of it.

But what is happening beneath the mask that we wear every day?

Are we striving to keep everything in balance?

Are we fighting for complete and total control over every aspect of our lives?

Are we denying our feelings just so that we can make it to the next month, week, or day?

The nice woman in the coffee shop – what is actually going on in her heart?

The attractive man at the next table – what are his secrets?

The harried mom with the six kids in the grocery store… well, we can all tell that she is jus working hard to keep a handle on her life at that moment!

Can we honestly tell when what we see on the outside reflects the person within?

Can a mask become something so comfortable and familiar that it becomes who we are while we ignore or deny that which bubbles and stirs inside our hearts and minds?

If You Could...

2009-10-07T10:07:00.000-04:00

If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?

This is one of those questions that is often asked in different types of groups. I have had to answer it various times, and my answer is consistently the same. I would change nothing.

“Not even something very small?”

Not even the most miniscule of things.

I would not change the travel, the people, the happiness or even the heart ache.

The pain and sorrow and struggles and humiliation… I would keep it all.

I would not change the people with whom I rode in a train carriage or an elevator. I would not change the drink I had with dinner in 1975. I would not change a thing.

“Why?”

To change even the smallest of details is to change the person I am or to risk making that change. My life would be different – it would have different challenges and different experiences. And I would probably love it as much as I love the life I live now, but that’s just it. I love the life I live now!

And no, this isn’t to say that my life is easy.

It isn’t to say that I am happy all, of, the, time.

It isn’t to say that there are days when I see more gray and shadow than I see sunlight and brightness.

It is simply to say that I love my life. I love the experiences I have had and those I find daily. I love the lessons that I have learned and even the challenges I have faced in learning them. And the people who have entered my life, touched my life, or left my life… I love all of them too though I might not like the situations or circumstances.

Every little detail, each bold stroke of the paint brush, all the choices I made and didn’t make…I love them all for the person that I am and the life that I currently live.

Would I change my life?

No... There are risks I am willing to take – but going back in time to change this or that is not one of them!

This is my life to live… and I am thrilled to have the chance to learn and grow and share it and live it…

It's Your Fault!

2009-10-05T11:09:00.000-04:00

“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change. -" Thich Nhat Hanh

“It’s your fault.”

How often have I heard this throughout my life – from friends to my brother to partners to my own child. It’s your fault.

Sometimes it actually is my fault. I don’t take issue with looking at the situation, considering my role, and assuming the responsibility that is mine to own.

I am also one to see my role where there is no role, which is not always a healthy thing, but I am working on it.

But not everything that happens in this life is my fault. I know that this is hard for many to believe, but… it is the truth.

My daughter has learned quickly that I will assume responsibility for my mistakes and only my mistakes – I trust her to be accountable for her mistakes as well. It doesn’t do any good to blame another or a situation or a circumstance for our choices and decisions and actions. We learn from seeing our hand in the situation and learning from our actions by taking the responsibility for them.

Oh, but how much easier is it to blame someone else!!

I mean, honestly, when life isn’t going exactly as we want or when people don’t behave as we think they should or we have been scorned or hurt or set aside or lost something we hold dear…

It is so easy to cast blame and invest energy in holding another responsible over stepping back and considering the situation from all angles – considering the role that we played in that hurt or loss or circumstance.

It is easier to blame another than to look at ourselves – to truly see ourselves and our choices and actions.

And who do we most often blame or hold responsible? Those we love and who love us as we know that the love will remain no matter what we say or do.

Holding others responsible or blaming those we love for our choices and actions and for our frustrations and unhappiness might seem like a wonderful thing to do for a while. At some level we realize that they are not at fault; we realize the hurt that we might be creating… yet, it can be scary to look in the mirror and recognize that we each are responsible for our own lives – our mistakes as well as our successes. We can’t change if we focus that energy on blaming others and holding them at fault.

We can’t truly find honesty and integrity and feel love and happiness until we take responsibility for our actions and choices… for our lives.

"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” – Wayne Dyer

Aw... Love...

2009-10-02T09:31:00.000-04:00

I love the word love!

Well, perhaps that isn’t exactly the case. I love everything about the word love, not just the word itself. It is one of the most complex and yet simple words in the language. Determining what it means in any given context is never quite easy; and yet, we know love when we feel it or see it or experience it. We know what it feels like to simply love life in general or to find something that lifts our hearts or fills them to over flowing… if only for a moment.

Now, I am not specifically talking about the love that we experience with another. In fact, that is probably one of the more complicated and complex forms of love. We can easily deceive ourselves into believing that another loves us or we love them, mistaking security and habit for love. That said, the love that we experience with others is amazing in its passive or active or verb or noun forms. That trust and honesty and intimacy and acceptance and enrichment and unconditionally… sigh… that love is an amazing feeling.

But this is not the love of which I speak. Well, at least not today and not in this post.

Today I am writing about the little things; the everyday things; the little things we note throughout the day that are the tastiest morsels of love. It could be the crunch of cereal, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, the sleepy smile of a child, the lilting song of a bird, or that white puffy cloud that stands alone in the midst of a bright blue sky.

Today I am writing about the Love List that is the brain child of Halfway Normal. It is a celebration of the little things and why they lift our hearts and warm our spirits.

It is not just a list of the little things that we love or note that we love throughout the day, but also the reasons why we love them. It is living the day and noting “I love this” and then, going that much further and asking (and answering) why?

It is a challenge to be more present in our days – and to discover the little things in life that we simply…love!

Here are five things that I love – Feel free to join in the fun here, on your own blog, or at Halfway Normal!

I love opening the door of my home in the evening – that first feeling that washes through me of relaxation. I can put everything down and settle in, if only for a moment.

I love the warmth of my daughter’s hand in mine – the curl of her fingers and the warmth of her skin. It matters not what is happening in our lives as hand in hand, we work through them together.

I love the first bite of a tree ripened peach. The juice wetting my lips and chin and the fruit seems to truly melt in my mouth. It is a taste of the sweetest part of summer.

I love sliding into a freshly made bed and pulling up the patchwork quilt on a cool night – the night warm enough to have the windows open but cool enough to require the warmth of the hand sewn quilt.

I love the weight of the cat curled at my feet – my toes wiggling beneath the warmth. His sleep assuring me that all is right in my world.

Revisiting Old Friends

2009-10-01T10:55:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite things to do is work with my hands in the garden. I love the feel of the earth and the knowledge that I am working to nurture life. It is not only grounding but a peaceful feeling in so many ways.

But, I don’t have a garden.

Hey, I don’t even have a little patch of earth to call my own for cultivation.

And so, as I did when I lived in Nebraska, my mind went to baking.

While my daughter’s dad can cook, I am the baker of the family. From the time the Diva was born until just a few years ago, our house was filled with the smells of delightful morsels baking. There is nothing quite like the smell of sweet ingredients or chocolate joining together in a way that leaves your heart warm and your mouth watering!

I haven’t baked in years, and now find myself excited about the notion. Butter, flour, sugar, vanilla… all old friends I didn’t realize I missed until just recently. Last night we poured through favorite cookbooks looking for the first recipe to be shared. (This morning I had already thought of a new twist for that old favorite – and experiment)

Recipe located, I anticipate the process. It is only fitting that I revisit my love of baking with the first recipe my daughter and I cooked together. I remember putting her in the snuggly on my chest and setting forth to warm our little house, on cold Nebraska days, through the joy of cooking. She no longer fits in the snuggly, but now she will be able to truly share the process. She will mix and form and melt and combine and share the comfortable conversations and silences that are experienced in the kitchen while baking. And, as in the past, we will pack the treats into boxes to share with others, near and far. Although I enjoy a few tastes of what is baked, I find it just as fun to give them away.

As I re-enter the world of baking, I would love to try new recipes. Please feel free to share your favorites!!

Happiness and Believing

2009-09-30T10:29:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while I run across words penned by another and feel them directly in my soul. It is not only the sentiment expressed but the use of the words and the eloquence of the phrasing. Yesterday, while taking a break from editing, I found this gem that I have shared with so many. Written by Thomas Paine, the thought expressed is one that I have felt often of late but have been unable to find the pros.

It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. Infidelity does not consist in believing, or in disbelieving, it consists in professing to believe what he does not believe.
Thomas Paine

How true this is.

There are times, for whatever reason, we want so badly to believe something that we know isn’t true. There are times when we choose to believe something that we are afraid to look at and note to be false or fantasy.

It is easy to believe; it is difficult to truly look inside and do a gut check to see if we are believing in something that is real and honest and is something we believe whole heartedly over something we want to believe in or we profess to believe.

For months I have struggled with the conflict of wanting to believe something that I did not believe; wanting something to be true that I know, deep inside, is not true. My mind and heart and gut and instincts and intuition have not always been in sync. For me, that is an unusual feeling. For me, that inner conflict has proven a challenge to overcome.

Yet, overcome it is what I have done, for the most part. My heart and mind are returning to harmony. I am trusting my instincts again.

My smile most often reflects the happiness that I feel shining from within.

The happiness of knowing what it is that I believe with my heart and soul; the happiness that comes in believing in myself and trusting my instincts.

What a wonderful feeling!