21 August, 2007

What Did She Mean?

Jake and Liz have been married 16 years - a couple since they were 19. They have 2 kids, a comfortable life with a nice house, good income, and kids. They vacation together, go out with friends together, and are, from all I know, friends.

Yet they have not had sex or any physical intimacy, over a kiss/hug/same bed for sleeping, in 8 years.

Sex is an issue that they simply do not discuss. Years ago, before they stopped having sex, they tried to discuss it now and again. But now, the conversation does not happen.

I have participated in many conversations about marriage, happy, enduring relationships etc, and realize that sex is not the key. Sex, possibly important, is a feature. The key is the friendship - the relationship itself.

But don't men and women need more than that friendship?

Perhaps they do not need sex specifically, but what about hugs, kisses, holding hands... cuddling... demonstrating physical intimacy - love through affection. Is this necessary in a successful, long lasting relationship?

What about the ability to communicate openly and honestly? For me, this is key. I simply can't imagine being in a long term, "loving" relationship and feeling confined to certain topics - or not being able to discuss anything and everything under the sun.

And they have conversations like this:

Jake and Liz saw a commercial where a bartender was muddling a drink. Liz said it looks like he has a big thick muddler and knows how to use it. Imagine if I had a proper muddler.
that was all she said...

Out of the blue - no context, just....

What did she mean? Was she teasing? Jabbing? Voicing dissatisfaction?

What would she do with a larger/thicker one if she doesn't enjoy that which she has?


JustRun said...

Wow. I don't know how that works. They might believe they're happy enough, but it doesn't seem like it would work for me. At all.

Scotty said...

No physical intimacy? I wonder what separates them two from just being best friends other than the formalities of being married. I couldn't do without the intimacy.

She probably doesn't even remember what she has if it has been 8 years.

Unknown said...

Maybe Jake can't make cocktails for shit, and what she really wants is a good mojito.

Eric said...

I was just expressing to MWB last night about how you should never get married when you are young, too many people, at young ages, think they are ready for marriage and look where they end up.

I also think sex is a BIG part of a marriage. She is unhappy, and she is expressing that. So, apparently she feels the same.

Lastly, I have to agree with Wombat. I think she was expressing that the issue with sex in the marriage is his fault and not hers. I think she was rubbing that in his face. Perhaps she has tried to talk to him about it and he chooses to ignore the problem. If he does not grow up and accept that we all have faults and sometimes we need to find help for them, then she is going to find someone who can please her in bed.

Aaron said...


If they aren't getting that intimacy from each other, who's getting it where?

The Exception said...

Just Run - It wouldn't work for me either. I don't get it.

Scotty - Good observation - I am not sure she remembers what she has either. I think that they are friends - in a marriage. I know that they love one another, but the scope of their conversations and lack of flirtation/intimacy would lead me to believe that they are friends that share a bed, house, and social life.

Wombat - Or maybe she is the queen of ice and it doesn't matter whether he can blend, shake, or stir. He might have all the right moves; but, she is not interested in saddling up to the bar!

DRB - It is interesting that you and Wombat are blaming him for the difficulty. Given what I know about married women after having kids... how often is it the man who loses interest in sex?

Sex is important - but intimacy is as well. Even if they don't make a great sexual match (which she implies) a marriage of 16 years could have more intimacy and chemistry. I wonder how we can blame one party when the problem may be that they simply aren't physically drawn to one another. No one's fault.

RON - Assuming that they need it... you ask a question I can't answer. It is a good question.

cathouse teri said...

Of course she meant it as a jab. They have problems. I don't care what they say. When a perfectly healthy, young couple (I'm assuming they are under seventy) are not having sex, it is a sign of trouble.

Sex, while not THE important aspect of a relationship, is a direct expression of the closeness that is being enjoyed between them.

I have met many many many many many many many many (etc) married men who have no sexual relationship with their wives. They would have sex with me. They would rather be with their wives, because they love their wives. I was happy to perform a service, but I would suggest counseling to them.

And I tell every woman I have a chance to how important it is to give your partner a blow job. Because if you don't, somebody will! And it will probably be me! hehehehehe

justacoolcat said...

Whoa, that's some hard core resentment. And who wouldn't be with 8 years of no nookie?

guygm said...

8 years?!? I think I'm gonna have nightmares.... Brrr.....

The Exception said...

Teri - I would agree.

JACC - yes, 8 years without could create tension - unless there is no desire between the two for it.

GuyGM - Have nice dreams knowing that it isn't you!

Gunfighter said...

Anyone no getting it at home will get it elsewhere.

Who the heck wants to be married to their best pal?

My wife and I are friends, but a hell of a lot more than just best friends.

Friends, I have.

Pals, I have.

Drinkin' buddies... well, I don't hang out with those guys very often anymore, but I have them.

I'm not interested in being married to them.