I feel like I am a juggler sometimes, the plates spinning haphazardly above my head as I work to keep them moving. If this falls, then do they all fall? If I move this way, does something awful happen with plates cracking and turning into shards of china on the ground around me?
Other times I feel as though I am a supporting character in the theater that is revolving around me. I am here, I have a part – and not an insignificant role at that – but it is one that is about support and presence over overt action and earth shaking decisions. IN this role I am sometimes at the center – the hub of the wheel that supports all the spokes while at other times I feel like the rim of the wheel, providing support and stability while doing what is required.
I feel as if there is much going on around me and I have a real role in very little of it.
I could make choices that are aggressive and demanding and end up creating an antagonistic environment.
I can choose the path of least resistance, accepting that the best is the best and moving forward.
Regardless of what action I take or the support I give, I feel more a spectator than a participant at times. I provide the hugs, the conversation, the communication. I am the rock that lends itself to stability. I am terra firma while my daughter bridges the land between reality and denial. I am the hand that will grab her should she ever find that bridge coming apart. I am the embrace that holds her when the denial becomes to much.
While I am steal in so many ways, there are times I am copper, serving as the conduit between the actions of adults and the maturity of my child.
There are times when I wonder if my purpose in life is to parent this child – to hold her hand as she walks this tight rope that is the life that she and others have created - that high wire chosen by her parents that is one of many threads that form her life.
At no other time in my adult life have I so understood the statement “I am here” with all the strength and belief in myself. Yet, I am knowingly standing in the wings, serving as a supporting character over the star of the show.
3 comments:
Beautifully written. I love the metaphors you use to convey deep emotions. I feel like I know right where you are, not because I've lived it but I've listened to it many times from clients who are single moms. And my mother was a single mom. The question of how you balance the vision of your own life with the vision of your child's life is so very complicated. Thank you for writing about it.
Patty - Thanks. It is her life with mine, it is also the idea that I have no idea how best to help her other than, right now, to be that center of the wheel or the rock in her life. It is so important right now that she continue talking and opening herself over shutting down... and she is right on that line. I have to gently be there and be her rock.
It is no easy thing to lead by example, and love in the present tense. To be both shadow and flame, that which guides, and that which stands beside and lets your child grow and glow.
I love the copper and steal ..
Very beautifully written...
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