The author writes about the movie Juno, which I have not yet seen, but her thoughts reverberated throughout my heart and my mind.
Pregnancy is amazing. I loved being pregnant - pretty much every moment of it. It is one of the things that I wish men and women could experience just because it is so amazing. But it is something that men and women should experience, not young girls.
Fortunately, I was 28 when I discovered I was pregnant and 29 when my life changed in more ways that I can fathom. I had a decade of travel, education, and life experiences under my belt. Although I was not married, I was more prepared than a teen aged girl to have a baby.
Despite all that I had accomplished, experiencing pregnancy as a single was not easy. For those few moments of pleasure, my life changed. I know that kids are more resilient, but the emotional and societal issues involved with pregnancy outside of marriage were difficult for me. I can't imagine how difficult they could be for a teenager.
The author writes: "...female desire can bring with it a form of punishment no man can begin to imagine, and so it is one appetite women and girls must always regard with caution. Because Juno let her guard down and had a single sexual experience with a sweet, well-intentioned boy, she alone is left with this ordeal of sorrow and public shame."
I did not experience the shame that a teen aged girl would or does possibly experience. But like such a girl, I was left alone to manage my emotions, the reactions of my family and society, and the fall out of my actions. I was left with the responsibility; left accountable for my behavior. And my life changed.
The author continues, "...the burden of sex is the woman’s to bear. [The father] has a chance to maintain his privacy, but if she becomes pregnant by mistake, soon all the world will know."
And the world will know - a woman has no way of hiding her pregnancy. She can not walk away from the experience with few scars or without her life being changed. Men, on the other hand, some walk away, some don't. Their Burdon maybe more internal and emotional. Unlike the woman, they do not have to meet the challenges that society may put forward. They often do not have to take responsibility for their actions. Sometimes, the father's family is completely unaware of the situation at hand. Though their lives might change, it is to a degree that does not compare to that of the woman.
As a single, pregnant woman, my life altered drastically - dreams on hold, priorities altered, my entire life became something I never would have anticipated. And the Diva's dad's life... nothing changed. Same job, same life, still dreaming and prospering... status quo.
And yet, it took two of us to tango - two of us to create this child. But two of us did not share the responsibility.
I have no regrets - there is nothing that I would change. But as the mother of a daughter, I am concerned. I am raising her to consider her behavior and the results of her actions. I am teaching her to take responsibility for those actions, even when she sees those around her behaving differently. These are lessons that I hope she takes very seriously. Although I want her to have fun and enjoy her life - she needs to be accountable and realize that there are repercussions .
Girls and women are no longer protected as they once were. Now we strive for and encourage equality. If a man can do it, so can we.
At the end of the day, we are not men. As pregnancy demonstrates, if an accident occurs while we are enjoying our liberation, we are left holding the bag. It isn't fair; it will never be fair. It is life.
10 comments:
Interesting article.
Have you ever seen situations where [as a single] the burden is shared equally?
Did "DivaDad" accept his responsibility with your pregnancy and try to smooth over the difficult times? Did you let him? Did you push him away?
Everything you say is true. For Diva Dad how little his life has changed speaks volumes. Frankly what's being said (non-verbally) is not very flattering. But I do not wish to focus on that.
You rightfully point out the challenges. There are many and great. There are however, rewards to be gained. You get to hear "I love you mommy" in the morning and at night. You get to share in the joy of a dance performance that goes perfectly. You will get the ongoing love and affection that will last a life time. (When she gets to be a teenager the value of those positive things may be diminished by other things but she'll grow out of that phase of her life.)
I'm not trying to minimize the effort it takes to be a good and responsible single parent. I am saying there are later rewards that make the effort something you wouldn't consider not doing.
TAG
...female desire can bring with it a form of punishment no man can begin to imagine, ... I tend to disagree with this comment as i have been punished for being a 'young' Dad. I had my first daughters when I was 20 and 21. My wife was 19 at the time of the first. Our marriage was destined for the dumps but the punishment stays with me to this day. the law made me pay for these girls but the law also heavily restricted my contact with them so much so that to this day they hardly know who I am. They have always lived in another state. Children born to young parents are the ones that are punished beyond the Parents IMO. I hope that my LLs wait as long as possible before they 'experiment' because once they bring a life into this world then their life is forfeit to the child. A great topic but often sad :)
Scotty - No he did not. He is involved with her now but doesn't have much time.
Aaron - The hard questions always come from Georgia! He and I are friends and good friends at that. I am a dad's dream in the sense that I want to share everything jointly as I believe, whole heartedly, that a child needs love and a relationship with both parents (generally speaking) I not only didn't push him away but had a hard time not trying to involve him in everything. At the end of the day, the relationship he has with the Diva has to be about them and not about me. But... his reaction to the pregnancy was far different than that which ou described having.
TAG - I love the blessing that is mine... and can't imagine sharing it though I happily would if her dad wanted that. I feel very blessed.
Scorpy - Agree completely. Your situation is sad. The courts often become involved in situations with unfair results. I know many children who have dads who want to be involved and very much a part of their kids lives - but the courts have sided in favor of the mother.
I want the Diva to wait too. The answer is, I believe, education and honesty.
Your girls know you love them... and you do see them and spend time with them... they are very lucky!!
You know, I really wish all those young women Diva's age had fabulous folks like you in their corner. The saddest part to me is that they have folks who lead them to believe that preganat at 14 is the norm or that ignore the thought of teen pregnancy entirely. heavy stuff.
I was 22 when my older daughter was born - unmarried, but working, determined that I would manage somehow. Her father has never seen her, never paid any attention to the fact she existed, nor has he ever contributed to her support back then. At 27, I married, at 28, had my son and at 31, the younger daughter and divorced at 35. My ex had adopted the older girl so he paid support for all three kids then. I worked two jobs, struggled for almost my entire life to make ends meet but I don't regret having done that for them, for us, for me too. I have tried to show my kids how difficult it is to raise a family alone, without a decent education too. I've also tried to teach them NOT to use other people -sexually or otherwise -in the course of their lives. Tried to show them too if things happen, to strive to take the higher road, be independent if you can too at least financially. Emotionally, the independence thing takes a whole lot longer too often to register. Older daughter still has never met her biological father but she has found him, spoken to him, and he has accepted her for the most part -even helped her last year over some rough financial times she was having then. For which I am grateful because I couldn't do that for her. Her adopted father and that daughter have become very close over the past 9 years, since her son was born but he knows nothing about this daughter having located her biological father -nor does she want him to know that as he would be hurt. And even though for many years he sure couldn't have won any awards in the parenting department to her or her siblings, in his "dotage" he is turning into a decent parent, finally, and a fairly darned good grandfather as well. But, I have to add here - he's the one who lost more than he will ever regain even if his relationships today are decent enough with the kids, very good with the grandkids - he missed the wonderful times of watching them experience growing up!
Sorry I wrote a book here - but somethings just impel me to get on my bandstand ya know!
Scotty - I didn't answer your question... sorry - Yes, there are such situations. I think that it is completely possible depending on the couple involved.
Bre - It is a heavy topic. The hardest part is ensuring that young people keep in mind that anything can happen... even when protected! (And then that they are responsible for their behavior)
Jeni - It sounds as if you did a great job raising your kids. Being a single working parent is not easy in the best of circumstances - but for me, at least, it is rewarding. I want to tell the people who write the reports etc that there are kids from single parent homes who are not disadvantaged and come out very okay!
That's a very written article, and your post in response as well. I agree with another comment in that the sheer lack of significant changes in Diva's Dad's life (esp in comparison to the changes in yours) are a perfect example.
Good post, you made a very important point. I have a cousin, who is also my best friend, who was in your situation. Her life changed dramatically, but only for her. I admire her so much for her courage and going through everything she did.
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