Unconditional love
Love without expectation or conditions placed upon it
In my mind, this seems like something easily done. It is accepting another person as is - accepting them for all that they are and all that they aren't. Accepting without requiring or even asking them to
be any different than the person they want to be. This is, after all, how we want to be loved.
be any different than the person they want to be. This is, after all, how we want to be loved.
It is loving someone even if you see them differently than they see themselves - accepting that you find them to be amazing while they have yet to come to that conclusion.
At the height of love, it is easy to love someone. It is easy to overlook little things and see only an amazing person. Yet, after a fight, a difference of opinion, a few months or years... is it still
so easy to love unconditionally?
so easy to love unconditionally?
Perhaps it is a love that is easier to give to kids?
I watch my daughter carefully and listen to what she says. From the age of 4, I have heard about this and that friend not wanting to be her friend unless she did this or that. 4 year old girls placing
conditions on friendship. 4 year old girls practicing manipulation.
conditions on friendship. 4 year old girls practicing manipulation.
I am not sure where kids learn this - whether it is something that they pick up without parents realizing that a lesson has been taught? If it is a natural part of the child psyche?
Maybe it is something that they learn, without our intent, from home. We, as parents, love our kids, but do we love them unconditionally? Do they realize that the love we give is unconditional? Do we allow
them to be themselves or ask them to be something that we want them to be; something different than the person that they are?
them to be themselves or ask them to be something that we want them to be; something different than the person that they are?
I have mentioned my cousin in previous posts. Her dad would tell people, when we were in high school, that she was not the most intelligent of his girls. As a senior executive at an international firm, he had reasonably high expectations for both his daughters, but they had high expectations for themselves (I am not sure if they
perceived his expectations to be higher than they actually were?).
perceived his expectations to be higher than they actually were?).
His eldest daughter took the expectations to heart. She strove to be a lawyer though a lawyer was not her desired profession. She believed that it was what would impress her dad. She believed that it would meet his expectations. She never became a lawyer; she had trouble passing the Bar. Years, a career change, and taking it in another state finally found her entering the Bar, and now... she hates the law. She HATES the law. She found success in money management; her dad is proud and loves her. But I don't think
that she knew that he would love her regardless of her career choice when we were in college. I don't think she knew she could follow her own dreams over trying to live up to the expectations of others.
that she knew that he would love her regardless of her career choice when we were in college. I don't think she knew she could follow her own dreams over trying to live up to the expectations of others.
How often do we stop and allow our kids to be themselves - no expectations, no conditions? How often do we take the time to learn who our kids are without seeing them as the people we "wish" they were or the people we want them to be?
Moreover, if we do love them without expectation or condition - do we communicate it to them in terms that they understand? Is it our responsibility, as parents, to ensure that our kids know that they are loved fully and completely for who they are regardless of their dreams, performances, achievement, behavior?
The objective is to love our kids, our friends, our partners, our lovers without condition; to give love and compassion without expectations. It is a lesson I am still learning.
*This post was inspired by an e-mail from a man I hope to honestly call friend. Little did he realize that mentioning "unconditional love" in the e-mail would inspire me to write this. Unconditional love or simply "love" as I define it is one of my all time favorite subjects. It is one thing I work to teach my daughter through words, actions and general living. So... thanks to my friend for sending the e-mail and setting me off on this tangent!
4 comments:
Oh, great tangent! I think you hit the nail on the head with regard to parental expectations. We want our kids to succeed, and sometimes we know what's best for them - and sometimes not! Either way, parental approval sometimes does come across as "conditional" love, whether it was meant that way by the parent, or not.
It's an art to simultanesously guide your child, encourage their talent, accept their flaws. The loving them no matter what part is often easy enough (for some), but communicating that while also guiding, encouraging, correcting can be a trick!
This is a great topic. I think as humans we all love with some expectation in return. We may not do it intentionally but as egos who believe in lack... that is what we do.
I have also spent a majority of my life trying to win the love and pride of my father who passed away last year. It wasn't until he lay dying that I realized he was proud of me all along.
I hope my children know that I am doing my best to give them what they need. I hope they know that it is my intention to love them unconditionally - whatever that means to them. I hope that I can always be open to them and accepting of their choices. My intention is all that I can offer. My intentions and my love.
Very moving...
I also have a 4 year old (a boy) who comes home from school talking about so-and-so not being his friend because he didn't do whatever. He went through a phase (which I PRAY he's over now) of telling me "I'll be your friend..." every time he begged me for something I said no to.
I realized a few weeks ago that I'm doing ok by him when he asked me out of the blue "Mommy, do you love me even when I make you mad? Do you love me even when I'm mean to my brother? Do you love me even when I spill my milk and make a mess?" I told him that I don't like for him to do those things but no matter what he does, I always love him. He just said "Good. Cuz I love you even when you're mean and you make me mad and you tell me I can't play on the swings any more and I can't have candy before...but I still love you cuz you're my best mommy." So I hope I'm getting through...all we can do is try, right?
I loved this post. So true. Unconditional love, it's one of the greatest kinds of love, and a learning process until the end, but always, always, worth it. :) I hope you're inspired more about this topic in the future ;)
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