09 January, 2009

The Post That Doesn't Have a Title

It is hard for me to believe that it is January.  I look at the date on the computer and yes, it is, in all honesty, January.  A new year has begun and yet, I am not sure that I have completely recovered from the last. 

I feel exhausted.  I never really had a vacation over the holidays when I consider that I traveled close to 7000 miles and spent more time with humans under the age of 9 or over the age of 60 than I did on my own or with anyone else.  Unlike my everyday life when I can shut my office door and grab a moment or two of privacy, I spent my vacation with people 100% of the time.  This happens every year and every year I return to my home thinking “I need a vacation.”

The New Year has started.  I have been at work a week; school has been in session a week; and things have returned to their normal busy pace. 

But I am not the person I was a year ago.  In the past year my life has taken a turn that I never expected.  I met several wonderful people in the forms of Liz, a Crazy Computer Dad, TAG, and a Llama.  I read and cheered and even felt inspired as Lesley(Just Run) expanded her horizons and tried so many wonderful new things in her list of 29.  I correspond with various thought provoking and funny people I have yet to meet.  The Diva and I are now loyal patrons of the arts and survivers of two medical incidents. 

My life, most simply put, is happier and more rich than it was this time last year.  I have seen old friends, made new ones, and learned so very much in the past 12 months.

And yet, the end of last year and the beginning of this have been difficult for me.  I love where my life is going and yet, I feel sad that it is taking this direction.  Change is something I love – but it is odd when that change takes you away from people that you love. 

I spent a new year’s eve in Ireland years ago.  A friend from Newcastle and I traveled to County Claire to see a mutual friend.  The town was small – I mean very small.  My British friend and I had no idea what was in store neither of us having traveled to Ireland in the past.  While there, we sang, danced, learned a jig or two, spent time on the Cliffs, and we shared in the New Year’s Eve lament. 

Young and old sang sad songs, ballads, as the old year passed and the new began. 

This year, for the first time, I could understand a little more deeply this idea of lamenting the passing of the year.  I experienced a sense of loss.  Not that 2008 was a great year or that it was any greater than any other year.  Nor did I lament that I am a year older.  It was more, is more, just a sense of ending.  Things have shifted; the earth has moved, so to speak. 

I am not sure that this is making anysense, but with these feelings in mind, I read the following from Everyday Stranger… and I understood what she was writing.  I understood exactly what she meant as it is pricicely what I have been feeling for the last few weeks if not months:

It's not like I spend my time at home functioning as either a mother or as a sexual object, but to be simply hugged by someone was something I needed, something that I was craving and I didn't even know it. Maybe the truth is even when we have full lives of family, work, friends, writing, blogging, you name it, sometimes we just need someone to reach inside of our little bubble and hold on to our elbow, to remind us that we're not alone. You can feel lonely when you're all alone, but it's a lot more painful to feel lonely when you're not. - Helen





T said...

The loneliest I've ever felt was when someone was in the room with me. Most recently, Soldier.

Just remember the old cliche... when one door closes, another one opens.

Here's to 2009!

mama llama said...

That last line sounded like my marriage. I am thankful for having broken out of my proverbial mold and connected with so many new, marvelous people this past year, an Exceptional woman included (!) and hence do not feel quite so lonely.

Be well, TE.