14 January, 2009

Single and Married Men

Somewhere in my past a friend told me that she could see herself as a mistress.

The statement struck me.  She was an exotic looking young woman with a style all her own and a brain to match.  In fact, if she lived in his part of CA, I would introduce Dad’s House to her as she is really great. 

But at the age of 21, she could not see herself marrying.  She could not see herself with kids.  She could see herself as someone’s lover (not in this context).  Fifteen years later and she has never been married, was not a mistress, and she delights in the life of her son. 

I wonder though if there is a type of woman that is more suited to be a mistress than another type of woman.  Is there a “mistress type?”  Are married men drawn to one type of woman more than they are another type?

Throughout December I came to realize that I seemed to be more attractive to married men than to single men.  Was this because I felt more at ease with married men as they are not available and therefore they are… safe?  Is this because they felt more at ease with me because there was nothing at stake – they are taken and nothing would happen?

And nothing would happen…I flirt with married men for the fun of it.  Never over the top, never with any intent, and never to lead to anything.  I assume that they know that; they behave as if they know that.  It never goes anywhere. 

But flirting with a single man is different.  When single people talk, flirt, or even get together for a movie, there is potential.  Each looks for a spark.  Each examines the situation to see if there is any chemistry involved.  Could there be a future here?  And if there isn’t?  Can the two enjoy one another and just be friends?    Is it worth it to invest the time in a friendship?

When single people get together or talk, there is expectation; there is potential intention.  It isn’t just innocent flirting unless each knows that it is all in fun.  There is risk involved.  Perhaps this is why I am more hesitant to flirt with single men as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea.  Perhaps this is why they are more hesitant to flirt with me?  And maybe I am more myself with married men as it is “safe.”  And therefore, they are more open in their finding me attractive… they have nothing to lose as nothing will happen. 

And it all just confuses me if I stop and think too much about it.  Fortunately, a man has offered to take me to lunch and explain everything to me!    (And why do I think I will be more confused after hearing the reasons than I am at the moment…?)


dadshouse said...

Your sexy friend wants to be someone's mistress and you thought of me! :-)

I do think it takes a different mindset to just be lovers. It can be quite respectful and loving, caring. Or it can be all hot and bothered, porn star sex. Depends on the people involved.

Some would say that choosing a "lover" relationship is just selling yourself short. But maybe the people who choose lovers are working on exactly what they need to work on in life. Who's to judge?

mama llama said...

I have to agree with Dads..who is, exactly, to judge? There are a couple people I know who maintain that their long-time lover is the best thing that has ever happened to their marriages. That couldn't work for me; I'm too black-and-white.

Whatever makes one feel most fulfilled in Life is what one needs to pursue; it is just a shame we all live among such judgment and holier-than-thou attitudes that marginalize those who choose to truly follow their bliss.

I could go on and on...you know me! Maybe we should...over café? :)

Be well, TE.

L said...

I'm sort of floored that there are people that think affairs and infidelity are okay if "it works for you." I don't buy it AT ALL. Who does it work for? The other spouse? The person dreaming of something that will never come? The dumbass trying to balance the two? The children learning what it means to be a trustworthy adult? Or maybe I'm overshooting? Maybe no one in an affair or a broken marriage ever thinks that far ahead.

Anyway, I know that wasn't the entire point of your post, so I'll stop.

MindyMom said...

I agree with L but I don't think that was your point either. I think you were hitting more on the mindset of a woman that would prefer a somewhat detached relationship over an all-encumbering marriag. I have been single for seven years, and in a couple relationships but I have a hard time picturing myself married again, or even sharing a home with a man. My friends say if I fell in love I would feel differently but I dont know. I like my own space and only having to answer to myself. Maybe someone who considers themselves "mistress" material thinks that way too.