13 May, 2009

At A Loss

Of late I am at a loss for words.  My ideas are half baked.  I write two or three paragraphs only to have no idea how to finish the thoughts. 

Writer’s block?

I am not quite sure if I would go so far as to call it that.  There is lots I could write about; but, my heart is not ready to let go and write.  I am not ready to put word to paper.  I am not really sure I am ready to process all that is happening.

It seems that my attention is focused inward.  I am a tad absent minded, my word games scores are… well, reflective of my mental absence to put it mildly, and I find myself wanting to surround myself with quiet. 

The past is resurfacing.  Issues that I attempted to work through 10 years ago are again topics of conversation.  Again I am having to accept and let go trusting that love will, in the end (at least in my life and house) prevail.  They aren’t my choices; they were never really my choices, but the outcome has a direct impact on my daughter. 

I wait.  We wait.  Waiting, to be honest, is so not my strong suit.  Like my daughter, I am a person of action – and now we must wait for others to make choices and for the light to shine so that we can see the path that lies ahead. 

I crave a hug, a gentle touch, a good laugh or a good cry.  I search for the balance that will provide my daughter and my home the stability it needs.  I work toward patience – the patience required to allow life to unfold as it will at this time.  All this while the foundations of my life fill my thoughts – honesty, integrity, love, respect, acceptance, belief, accountability…


Mike said...

It happens to all of us. I feel very boring at times when I have nothing exciting going on in my life.

dadshouse said...

The stress of major and unknown change is no fun to deal with. With me, I get super tired and need constant naps. I hope things figure themselves out quickly for you.

justrun said...

I'm with ya. There's so much, and yet no words for any of it.

Lad Litter said...

I did a quick Google for data on this but couldn't quite phrase it well enough and so only got hits on parents who abandon their children, which is not quite the same thing. I'd be guessing there might be a combination of factors motivating those individual parents who opt out of the role.