24 July, 2009

Torn

“You don’t honestly believe that?” comes the voice over the phone.  I have just explained to her a disconnect between the way I am feeling and the line I am being asked to believe. 

“I don’t know what to believe,”  I explain.  The words echoing through my head.  “I wish I did know what to believe as that would set my mind at ease.”

My words reflect my current state of feeling torn; torn between two realities.  I am simply not sure which is real some of the time. 

Ah, this sounds more confusing than it is.  More than 23 hours a day, I am sure that I live in the real world.  I know where the ground is and feel my feet squarely planted.  There is a bounce in my step as I consider the various options and opportunities that are presenting themselves.  I love life and everything in it!

However, there are those moments when I feel a bit off kilter – when I feel torn.  These moments often happen after a meeting or a conversation when I find myself questioning… me. 

Perhaps it is the difference between the desire to believe and the hope that my intuition is incorrect and the realization, deep in side, that it is not. 

In other words, I want so desprately to believe something I don’t believe to be true.  Others want me to believe something that I believe not to be true. 

Thankfully this sensation happens less and less frequently.  I go with my gut; I trust my intuition; and I know reality when I feel it in my heart. 

So why is it then that I want so badly to believe in something and a world and a story and a hope that just is not ringing true in my gut?  Why is it that I truly want to be off base in this case?    

 

8 comments:

April said...

It's hard to comment on this one without knowing more details, but I would say that we often use the phrase going with our heart without regard to ourselves, which defeats the purpose.

Mark said...

Sometimes the reality of what our intuition knows goes against what we hope for and there in lies the struggle. Always trust your intuition even when it is not what you desire things to be.

Wombat said...

Coz imagination is an intoxicating drug, and resisting is alllllmmmmmooooossst impossible.

MindyMom said...

Yes, I know the feeling and I think Mark said it well,

"Always trust your intuition even when it is not what you desire things to be."

The more I do this, the better off I am.

Lad Litter said...

It's hard work, isn't it? All of these judgments to make when you don't know which instincts, if any, to trust. I can symathize with the dilemma despite not knowing details.

dadshouse said...

I think Mark hit it on the head - it's the difference between intuition that your body senses, and hope for smoething you think you want. I too often ignore my gut and go with my heart's desire, and then I don't end up getting the desired thing. I need to follow my gut more often. Like always!

Merging Point said...

may be, somewhere deep within, there is an expectation and the mind as usual playing the game when not disconnected with your soul, such contradictions arise and leave you confused.
Just Master your mind without any specific purpose and fly in the zone of freedom.That would bestow the clarity too.

Lynnelle said...

Trusting myself was so hard. Knowing that my decisions caused pain for my girls. These decisions (a year later) were the best decisions for us. We are happy; our new family of 3. It's different. It's difficult (some days more than others). I am now an authentic me. You are in my thoughts.