21 September, 2009

Thinking

The cup felt warm in my hands as I sat at the high bar table waiting for my dinner companion to return.  Although it might have appeared as if I was deep in contemplation, the fact of the matter… well, I was surreptitiously keeping an eye on the man at the next table!

Hey, I might be a year from 40, but I am not dead!

He sat with two friends chatting, and checking me out as well.  

Like I said, I might be near 40 but...

My gorgeous companion returned to the table, we gathered our things and left.  But, the experience left me thinking…

Thinking so much that I sent an e-mail to a guy later that evening who commented that he believes there are loads more men interested in me romantically than I realize.  

What a great friend, but his comment also left me thinking…

Since I am 39 (now) and have much of my life left to experience, what is it that I really and truly want for myself in the way of a partner?

I know plenty of women and men who just want to be married or in relationships.  True intimacy, trust, or even love are not the draw as much as is the desire to have the relationship – to have someone; simply to not be alone.  

This is not me.  I much prefer an honest relationship with trust and love and acceptance.  If I can’t trust my partner, then I would honestly prefer to be alone… with someone I trust… me!

But do I even want the relationship?

When I see the healthy relationships of my parents and close friends, I think- that would be fabulous.  The companionship is something that lights the room and the honesty and love are palatable.  

When I see the unhealthy relationships that require partners to hide their feelings, abide by rules, and buy love through expensive gifts or trips or by behaving subserviently…

Well, perhaps that relationship is truly not something I want in my future.  

In the end, I am still thinking…

I am happy in my own company and do not need a man or his title or his money to give me an identity or power or comfort or even happiness.  

However, I am open to experiencing love and a partnership and a companionship that  respects and trusts and grows and enriches…

If that happens, it happens… and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  I intend to continue to live a fulfilling life regardless!

That said… if that guy sitting at that high table happens to be reading this… (wink)…

  

4 comments:

TAG said...

If you can get to Conway SC next Friday, let me know when and where you'll be eating supper and I'll wink right back at you.

Short of that, perhaps a cyber wink and hug will do.

Have a great week.

TAG

dadshouse said...

You can be happy with yourself and still allow yourself to enter a partnership. In fact, it's probably the healthiest time to enter a relationship. Flirt, have fun, fall in love again.

Mike said...

I go for periods of just being single. While I enjoy it very much there is nothing like being in a good, healthy relationship.

Mark said...

Ha, of course being near 40, near 50 or near any age does not have anything to do with whom you find attractive or what you desire. You have a great and healthy attitude. You trust and love your own company and if someone who fits the bill comes along to share your company in way that further enhances your experience and does not diminish it in any way then why would you turn away from that experience. I am sure that there are many men who will read this today who will be tempted to give you that wink, even if it was not them that sat near you the other day.