09 March, 2012

More of the Story... Regarding my Silence

How long it has been since I last visited this pace... and How weird it is to have had so much time pass without my really noticing it.
A few years ago I was consistently stalked on the internet; and, I sometimes wonder if I just didn't lose a desire to write at that point.
I kept writing with the full knowledge that the person was out there, reading. I kept writing, though I noted that I changed what I wrote and my comfort with posting changed.
I did not start this blog to feel inhibited writing. I started it and wrote posts that were honest, sometimes fun, sometimes flirtatious, and always true to me.
And I didn't mind who read.
When posting in a very public forum, it is impossible to start to care who reads because that is not the point, but it is also kind of odd to care who reads your words and yet post them so publicly.
And yet, when you are stalked...
When someone is purposefully going out of their way to read everything you write
When someone spends hours upon days upon months and months reading everything, analyzing the words....
When that same person starts to change her looks to resemble yours
The natural desire is to close up shop and take down the open sign for good.
Regardless of the attempts, how much she read, how much she tried to change, I am well aware that she could not ever be me...
But that didn't make this process more comfortable in the slightest.
And then life moved in a different direction.
Is she still out there reading?
I just don't know. I don't write enough to really look and see.
The question is more what do I have to write about anymore that doesn't leave me feeling open and exposed to the world?
I kept writing despite knowing she was reading.
And time passed, and I wrote less and less.
And now I am not sure what there is to say anymore?
I love sharing my life and am not against openly sharing it with friends and strangers alike
But I hesitate to share it with people who read my words in order to know me and hurt me or present a toxic present in my life.
Today, for the first time in ages, I did a Google search on myself not surprised to find the low number of hits. I lvoe Google - I can find anything with Google, or so it seems.
However, I don't Google people.
Having been on the receiving end of that use of the internet - I prefer to allow people space; to learn about them directly; and to allow for surprises.
I keep thinking that I will come back here... That I will once again write here, in this space... and yet I am not sure that it is the right place for me anymore. I do wish I had answers.


Cinderella said...

I am so sorry that you were stalked by someone who was toxic and had the intent to hurt you.

Our blogs should be wonderful places to share what we think, belive, feel and ruminate on, and share it with those who are supportive of us who we can trust.

You were a link on my blog from a while back, and I liked the few posts that I read in 2011.

Maybe you could just start a new blog with a new name if you didn't feel comfortable at this web address anymore - and that would get rid of the person who was doing this, they would have no way to find or follow you.

It's an inconvenience, but maybe then you'll be able to feel more comfortable. Sorry one bad egg ruined it for you.

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi TE .. I was thinking of you the other day .. and am glad to see you back ..

Cinderella says a great deal - whatever decision you take is a good one for you both .. look after yourselves and enjoy the weekend .. with thoughts - Hilary

Martian said...

Hi again, Exception. Long time no see... it's okay to move on. It's also okay to come back. Were but there a way for us to block access to the few crazies that do things like stalking. But that doesn't matter, all that matters is you want--it's your space here. I am confident that you'll figure it out.

Lesley said...

I'm so sorry you have had that kind of trouble. That is awful and no one deserves that. I hope whatever you decide to do, you'll keep in touch. Wishing you an yours the best.