If someone had asked me what I would be doing during my off time from work a few months ago, I likely would have responded something about hours spent on the computer. Days spent not looking at a computer screen and flipping from data base to data base are foreign to me; and yet, now that I am not at work, I find that I am also not spending much time on my computer. In fact, I have kept to the same "at home" screen time as I enjoyed before which means that I am spending a lot of time doing other things. (This morning that included introducing myself to a long lost friend, the vacuum.)
I am also finding myself thinking more.
That sounds a bit weird as I spend my entire day thinking; I am paid to take information, analyze it, and put ideas on paper with potential implementation in their future.
But I am thinking about things I have not really thought about for years. It is as if my brain is taking it own little vacation. For hours each day I am in a state of limbo. This isn't to say that I am not doing things and taking care of things that have needed to be done for a while; but, it is to suggest that my mind is free to examine, consider, and feel in ways that have not been possible for quite a while.
Yesterday, as my daughter placed pointe shoes on rickety outdoor stage at a county festival, I found myself wondering and wanting different; asking questions that have no answers or whose answers remain unchanged.
I remind myself and my daughter not to assume an interest or a lack there of, but to be open to let people speak for themselves. Yet yesterday I found myself wondering if things have changed enough…
The reality is that there is a hope inside me that they have. That hope that goes with the idea that all things are possible and that lives somewhere in an old country song that pines for the "good ol' days" and a time and ideals that no longer exist.
I want to offer an olive branch in the hopes that it will be excepted fully realizing that this is more about my open heart over any hint or suggestion proffered that one is welcome or desired.
While my daughter is quick to assume judgement; I look for signs of welcome.
We are each mistaken in these assumptions more than we are correct.
While she is learning to give people a chance
I am working to actually see the facts as they are presented.
While Congress still controls my work schedule professionally, I am finding that I am working. I am cleaning, sorting, examining, and perhaps putting emotions and hopes to rest. I have not lived in denial (nor do I allow my daughter to live there) I have not given myself the space and time to fully come to terms with life as it currently stands; with the roles and the responsibilities; and with with the choices that I have realized are not mine and thus belong to another. The choices that are mine - I am seeing them more clearly.
I would like to go back to work, but I thank Congress for this opportunity to breathe and to allow myself to reflect and re-discover where I am today.