28 March, 2007

What is Enough?

What is "enough?"

This is a question I continually ask myself. What is it that men want; what is it that I want; and why isn't it working?

I used to know what I wanted... I mean, how hard can it be to find? I want a man who loves me but has his own life so there is nothing clingy about the relationship. When he isn't working, he has his own interests, our shared interests, and he wants to share his time with me and mine in addition to his friends etc. I want someone who is happy to be with me... whether in a public setting, in the woods, or on an adventure in another location. I am an exploring type, so I want that in him as well. I do not, necessarily, want a marriage... I want the love and companionship of a good friend. I want to know that he is there, 24 hours a day, if something important happens. That is a lot, eh?

In past relationships I have felt as if there is something wrong or missing in me; as if I am not enough; not giving enough; nice enough; pretty enough; smart enough; a good enough mom... simply as if I am not enough. I am great in bed, and a fun conversation during the day, but beyond that... men would rather spend their time with someone else.

I asked someone recently what it is that men want? What is it that they want that I do not have? He wouldn't tell me... or couldn't, who knows. It is one of those situations where he has already told me he wouldn't marry me, if he could... and I am curious to know why as the attraction is there and we are good friends... but he would not want to live with me or spend large amounts of time with me.

A few months ago we tried to spend the day together. That was funny. He was ready to get rid of me after a few hours. I don't know what I did, but he was pushing me out the car door when the day was over. Two strong and different personalities I suppose.

This is the same guy who says he doesn't understand my situation with men as I am "hot" and yet, they don't seem interested. I find this ironic as he might find me "hot" but he isn't interested in being with me all the time either. With him, I know that I am simply not enough... not pretty enough, not someone he likes to be seen with, that sort of thing. I am too much of other things... too strong willed, too independent, and sometimes too opinionated and thing skinned. Intelligence wise... he likes that I am intelligent, but sometimes he treats me like I am not. Who knows...

Maybe there is something to be said for liking other women! (NOT... I can't see how they do it as living with another woman is something that would drive me insane... I don't even see how men do it)

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