What does it mean to be a "good parent?"
It is not always difficult to determine negative parenting techniques. The media is full of ideas about the ideal family and the negatives regarding single parenting. But what is a good parent - not the ideal, but simply a good parent?
My aspiration is not to be the ideal; simply to be the best I can be, which is a good parent. I am one of those parents that loves parent/teacher conferences. I want to know how the Diva is doing in school, what I can do to enrich her experience, how she is doing socially etc. I want to be a part of the team that is educating my child.
When her report card comes, I look over it carefully to see how she is doing - but more to see if there is anything I need to do to help her. Is there an area in which she needs help etc. Although grades are important, more important to me is the quality of the learning that is being received.
The Diva's teachers tell me that I am doing everything right. No suggestions, no issues, just keep doing what I am doing.
But what is it that I am doing?
I remember being scared to death about being a parent once I found out I was pregnant. As the arrival date drew near, I would burst into tears as my insecurity washed over me. I had never doubted my ability to succeed professionally; I doubted my ability to succeed as a parent - especially as a single parent.
When it comes to parenting, there is no way for me to measure my success. The Diva is increasingly her own person. She will take tests, be challenged, deal with peer pressure, and go through life accountable for her choices and her actions. Beyond ensuring that she knows right from wrong, that honesty is the only way to go, that bravery is often about doing what is right, to do one to others as you would have them do unto you, etc...beyond these fundamentals, her successes and failures are hers. They do not serve as a testament of my parenting, or... do they?
There are times when I want a means of measuring myself as a parent - an annual review of parenting per say...
Affection given: A
Discipline: A
Support: A
Quality time spent together; B (a bit too much time spent on the computer of late)
Spoiling: B (Could spend more money on giving her what she wants...)
Exposure to Diversity: A
But there isn't an evaluation of performance; there isn't a review of any sort. As parents, we are left to or own devices.
I do my best knowing that there is no such thing as a perfect parent (though I know a few people who believe that they hold the title). I know that I have and will make mistakes. The best I can do is to stay alert, continue to evaluate the situation, and do everything within my power to raise a happy, well adjusted child who is prepared to fulfill her dreams while still enjoying her childhood.
And that sounds so easy and yet, it is so hard.
There are days when I want to hop the next train or plane and take a break - use that passport that is kept current. But, I don't.
I get up in the morning, get her ready for school, go to work, pick her up at the bus stop, take her to ballet, and ensure that her homework is complete. I listen, I hold hands, wipe tears, give hugs and kisses, and share her laughter and her silences. I try to balance her diet - and work to ensure that her life is balanced in all ways.
And I dream about tropical climates and strong hands removing the burdens from my shoulders and massaging my stresses away; giving me a brief respite from my parenting concerns.
And I wonder, will I ever know how to define "good parent?" Will I ever know if I am/was one?
12 comments:
These must be the questions of every parent. Every parent that cares, anyway.
I think the idea of consistent involvement is one I appreciated most growing up. As kids get older, I think parents tend to think of that desire for independence as something they HAVE to fulfill for their kids. While it was important to me to do many things on my own (as I'm sure it is to the development of any kid) looking back it was always good to know someone was looking out for me, even when I couldn't stand it.
Just from reading your blog I'd say you're a good parent. You put her first, support her dreams and let her be her own person. I think she'd be the first to tell you you're a great parent.
Good parent = detached correction.
"I get up in the morning, get her ready for school, go to work, pick her up at the bus stop, take her to ballet, and ensure that her homework is complete. I listen, I hold hands, wipe tears, give hugs and kisses, and share her laughter and her silences. I try to balance her diet - and work to ensure that her life is balanced in all ways."
The middle sentence is the most important, I think. The first and the last sentences are the job. The middle, the art.
We are not really left to our own devices. There are the older ones who can help us. Unfortunately, long long ago, we told the older ones we didn't need them any more.
A good parent is one that has children that say they were good parents.
You aren't a good parent for your sake, but moreso for their sake.
When your kid grows up to be a kind, loving, generous person who doesn't blame you for too much — that's pretty much it.
Not that I'm a "Mars/Venus" person, but I remember hearing John Gray at a parenting conference years ago and he said if you were a parent who solved all your kid's problems and made everything perfect for her, you'd actually be the worst parent because she wouldn't know how to function in an imperfect world. That really resonated with me.
A good-enough parent who tries with sincerity, kindness and love is pretty darn good. Looks like you're doing that beautifully. (Plus, don't we have to help keep the shrinks of the future in business with a little dysfunction?)
The items on your scorecard are just perfect. I believe that by being as concerned as you are about being a good parent has made you a great parent.
I often reflect as I walk out of the twins' room after kissing them and tucking them in at night what type of day the girls had and how I did or did not contribute to it. Yes they need to learn, yes they need to grow and mature, but I so want them to be happy.
I believe that validation comes at a time when your child looks back at their youth and suddently realizes that all those things you taught, explained or corrected (and she rebelled against it at the time) were right. I remember telling my Dad once that I thought he was full of crap about something he told me at the time. Much to his surprise, nearly 15years later, he had the opportunity of hearing that he was right all along. :)
Well it doesn't sound like you're strung out on drugs, beating the shit out of her, psychologically manipulating and or/torturing her, using her existence to validate your own, neglecting her in any way, being unstable or emotionally abusive....sooo...hell yeah it sounds like you're doing a good job as a parent. Better than about 90% I'd say....the other ninety are doing one or all of the above. Good on you.
The surest sign you are doing a good job as a parent comes from the fact you are asking the question. You care about the diva. You care enough to want to be the best mother you can be.
To me caring has to come first. Everything else can be learned. Those that don't care, well, the race is lost before it even begins.
The Diva is lucky to have a mother that cares. Far too many do not have that.
Every parent makes mistakes now and then. The worst mistake you are likely to make is to question your abilities too much. Relax and enjoy your time together. Soon enough she will be a teenager and you will have somehow lost the intelligence to do anything right. Of course the good news is once she goes off to college you will miraculously regain all your former intelligence (and more).
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You will know if you were a good parent as soon your daughter grows up.
That's the proof right there.
We are all a product of our upbringing.
For what it's worth, I've been coming by here for awhile - you seem to be doing an above average job.
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