Alzheimer's, Cancer, and JELLO

When seeking a partner, how often do we consider the future? I mean, beyond the romance and the butterflies, do we stop and consider how this person will be as a partner during the tough times; when adversity strikes? Do we consider his or her ability to parent? Do we look as far ahead as those days when the two of us share a porch and side-by-side rocker; the days when we eat JELLO and sip tea in silences built from decades of companionship and conversations?

 

How often do we say to ourselves: "This is the person with whom I want to share my JELLO when we are nearing 100 years old." or even, "This is the person with whom I will battle cancer, arthritis, and/or Alzheimer's."

 

Yet, this is the love we seek, isn't it?

 

Aren't we looking for the person who will be by our side through the good times as well as the bad?

 

A few nights ago I sat in the bathtub listening to a song about loving someone forever and ever - as long as old men are talking about the weather and as long as old women are talking about old men (which is another way of saying forever and ever as these two things will truly never end). I considered the idea behind the song and whether or not such an ideal is possible.

 

It is easy to love someone during good times. It is fun to share our happy moments; it is nice to know that there is someone there to celebrate the triumphs or even empathize with the defeats.  But what happens when adversity truly hits?

 

In a world threatened by natural, organic, and man created threats, should we stop and consider how our "love" will behave in an adverse situation before we take the plunge and tie ourselves to that person, perhaps build a family etc?

 

Throughout the past few years, I have watched several marriages with stand the pressures of disease and adversity. I have watched a man's health decline drastically as he has poured everything he has into caring for his wife who suffers from Alzheimer's. I continue to observe my healthy grandfather working and loving my grandmother as her health fluctuates as does her desire to live.  These marriages were decades in the making.  I am also observing a much younger marriage adapt and come to terms with the husband's ALS. 

 

I doubt that these men and women paid much attention to the part of their wedding vows that said "For better or for worse; in sickness and in health..." They were young, in love, and alive with dreams of what the future held.  I doubt that their dreams of marriage and family included Alzheimer's, cancer, heart disease, or the loss of the desire to live.

 

It is so easy to focus on the happy times when we fall in love. It is easy to consider the building of a life together and to dream amazing dreams of what that joined life with include.  It is easy to believe in travel, families, passion, and a love that lasts forever and ever when you are at its beginning. 

 

Perhaps I am old and cynical. Perhaps I have observed and experienced too much adversity in my life thus far as I do expect that a relationship involves stress, disease, old age, JELLO....

 

It involves a strong friendship and a strong stomach. It must be prepared for decline. A relationship is no longer about the flowers, and music, and spats about little things - it is about hand holding, facing mortality, and providing comfort and acceptance.