Emotionally, he is committed to his wife, but this does not mean that he doesn't dip his foot in the pool from time to time to see what else is out there. Emotionally committed; physically not. Does he think that something better will come along? Does he think that there is potentially someone out there that is better for him than is she; a better match? I don't think so. I think he simply likes variety in his physical life.
But I could be wrong. I know that when it comes to second guessing people in general, men specifically, I am often as not incorrect.
Commitments are never easy - which is why there are so many who fear making them to "one" other person - especially if that commitment means forever and ever. (How can we honestly promise to stay with one person; the same person, forever and ever when we don't know how we will change or what will happen in the future?)
Last week Indie wrote this.
I found it interesting especially as I have heard people voice similar thoughts. One guy told me that he met his wife when he was 18 and married her when he was 21 because... "I thought that was as good as it got." But it wasn't. He found someone else 6 years after they married.
How can we say that one person is as good as it gets when we are so young or when we have been exposed to only a minuscule portion of the world's population?
But we do.
And for some, it truly is as good as it gets.
I worked with a man who met his wife in kindergarten. They lived in a small town in Wisconsin, married out of high school, and are still happily married nearly 50 years later. Good friends of mine started dating as sophomores in high school... they are happily married with 3 kids.
These two couples have something in common - they have each been exposed to people in all parts of the world. They know what else is out there. They simply accept and realize that the partner they are with is the right one for them. They don't look around; they are not seeking other options; they know that they found the right person.
But is this the right person for them because they choose to close their mind to potential matches? Or is there something that they know that others don't? Is there something to be said for that one person who clicks with you more than anyone else? Not meaning that you can't be perfectly happy with one of a hundred matches - but is there that one person that just "clicks?"
And when you find that person - do you just stop looking? There is no fear of commitment because... you know, beyond doubt, that this is "the one?"
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They simply accept and realize that the partner they are with is the right one for them.
THAT, is the key in my mind. I think there are certain degrees to everything. There is the couple who you couldn't imagine apart, and also the one that you wonder how they are even together. Both, may have been together for 50 years.. but they follow the above quote.
Sometimes, the person you are with really isn't perfect for you at the start (but you don't know it). Sometimes your relationship, and getting to know one another helps you grow together. Other times, getting to know one another may make you grow apart.
You can never know whether the one you marry is the right one forever, at that moment, or the moments that lead up to it. Its a dice roll in a way. The important part is knowing that you at least have a sound foundation for getting to learn about that person more... wanting to learn more, and to be with them.
Knowing that foundation is there, and willing to work to make it work, making it important for you to at least try to make it work... none of this can be done, if you don't believe in your relationship enough to keep your eyes on one person.
I really liked this post. I'm curious, what happened to your friend who married his wife at 21 but found someone 6 years years later?
I think that there is more than one person out there for someone. Choosing the one might just depend on a number of variables like timing, circumstance, etc. That's why commitment is such a big deal, because we know that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, but by committing we (ideally) cease to keep searching.
I'm terrified of commitment for the same reasons. Not that I'm unfaithful, but simply, I am not ready to settle down or be selfless quite yet.
This must be just my character but I've never had any doubts about "commitment" or "promise."
To me, a commitment is a choice, a decision. If I choose to commit myself to someone, I'll own up to that choice. I might still come in contact with others who are better suited to my personality or temperament, but I won't consider them as prospective mates anymore. If it's a contract of convenience where I reserve the right to breach it whenever I want to, then it's not a commitment.
I think the same goes for making promises too. A promise is meaningful only if the person who makes it is prepared to see it through. If a promise is made with the provision that, "Well, if the weather turns bad, times get tough, or my priorities change, I can't deliver," then it's not a promise to begin with.
A committment is a lot like a responsibility in some ways. When you accept that responsibility, make that committment, you're supposed to stick with it.
You can make a promise to be with one person FOREVER because you trust that you'll grow and change together. Sometimes it doesn't work, true. There are exceptions to every rule, no? But if everyone really went into a committment with the thought of no way out, I think a lot more people would be together forever.
Scotty - Agreed. Perhaps it is all about attitude and taking the relationship seriously especially once one decides to make the commitment.
Emmaenlightened - Thanks for dropping by. Completely understand not being ready to commit... I spent my 20's traveling and exploring - doing things that I probably couldn't do with a spouse as easily. I wanted to ensure that I knew myself before I shared my life with another.
A commitment is nothing to fear once you are ready to make it - the trick is knowing when you are ready and taking that commitment seriously.
Kenneth - Word is honor in my life and in my house. I do not take promises or commitment lightly which, to be honest, can drive people crazy. They like that I keep my word, but dislike the seriousness that I give to their word as well! ;)
TC - Thanks for dropping in.
Perhaps if people took commitment more seriously, they would enter into commitments after greater thought and with more dedication. Perhaps then contracts, commitments, marriages would alllast longer!
Emmalightened - Forgot to answer your question. My friend stayed married due to his commitment to his kids. Whether the marriage is happy... I don't know.
Its easy to recognise what a committment is, to knwo what it takes...but to do it. To stop looking, to turn towards one person and find contentment...is very hard.
These questions are awesome. I think that if people feel like they need to see what else is out there then there is something missing from their relationship. The person they are with can be the most wonderful person, but if something ... even the smallest thing ... is missing? Well then that poses a bit of a problem.
Boy - there's a topic that is really a "can of worms" if ever there was one -especially for me since I've been divorced 27 years now.
I've known some people who married and never stopped looking or testing the waters - some are still married to the same spouse after many years, others like myself, divorced fairly early on because although I could live with my ex-husband's drinking (thanks to what I learned through Al-Anon) but I couldn't abide his running around. Some can, some can't.
A very close childhood friend married in March of our senior year in high school -the football captain and the cheerleading captain, ya know -and they've managed to stay married and grow with each other in all respects for going on 46 years now. A lot does have to do with whether you take the commitment/promise aspect totally to heart to I do believe that. Oh, and back to my own marriage, I did not divorce him, he divorced me and has since been married three times -divorced from them too and probably left them in the dust for the same wandering eye problems he had when we were married. Sometimes, we allow ourselves to get involved in a relationship for all the wrong reasons -occasionally they do work out but more often than not, they don't -for whatever reasons. I do think a lot of people confuse love and lust too and jump the gun into the idea of marital bliss only to find out it's not all honey and wine and sweet kisses but a hell of a lot of hard work on both sides to make a relationship work, live, grow in the manner it should. Everyone seems to expect things should always be smooth, go their way with no effort -and that applies to all aspects of life, not just relationships and commitments there too. Easy come, easy go is too often the pass phrase.
Those are just a few of my disjointed thoughts on something I am definitely no expert about -committments, relationships, longevity, etc. So much for this night's brain activity.
Indiana - Commitments are difficult, without doubt. They are long term and say that we are not turning back or away.
Airam - Ah... those little things that so many overlook - "he will change" or "She will be different when we marry" when they should be something to consider more carefully rather than glossing over.
Jeni - Sounds like you have quite the experience... perhaps a book is in your future? ;)
Adam - I hope you made your flight... though I have no clue who you are!
Ah, and we're finally to the blog you wanted me to comment on, I think.
Well, one of the most important lessons I learned from my old man came at an early age. "No matter how big and bad you think you are, there is always someone else out there that can kick your ass." I've contemplated that piece of advice for years now and it applies to a great number of things.
For instance, no matter how pleased you are with your current situation, there probably is someone else other there better for you. The question is, will you know that person when you meet them and would you leave what you've got to be with that person? I'd suggest there is even someone else that you could find better than the second person and so on and so forth. Just a theory and I'm not even sure I believe it completely.
But what I do know is, in the limited time I've spent with Sarah I know we both have what it takes to make it through the thick and thin and grow together. I know that based on her parents, her upbringing, her personality and her faith. And all that's all I need to know to understand that while there may be other pretty (and tempting) women out there, they aren't worth chasing after to give up the wonderful relationship we have now.
Sooner or later you have to go with your gut and stand by your decisions. You can't spend your life second-guessing everything you've ever done or you'll find your time spent here won't amount to anything.
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