My uncle married his second wife because her son - then 7 if I recall correctly, needed a dad. I am sure that there were feelings between the two adults as well, but the primary reason was for the boy.
The marriage didn't last long - no more than a few years.
Now that I am a single parent, I wonder if there is logic to the reasoning behind this marriage. I am sure that there are women and men who marry to give their child another parent. I wonder if those marriages work? If the children thrive in such a situation?
Last night I found myself engaged in a conversation about vacations. I want to travel and explore - the idea of driving cross country to do this doesn't phase me. The Diva says that she wants to fly from place to place - a road trip is boring.
I offered to let her stay at home with a sitter while I do my thing - that way she would not have to travel (which is what she said she wanted) and I could travel a bit (which is definitely what I want).
This was not received well. She doesn't want to travel, but she doesn't want to be without me either.
Again I wondered if there is a point to marrying so that she has someone else; so that I am not the only one upon whom she can rely.
In my mind, marriage is a union of adults. The benefit to the child is that there is stability but also, they are able to learn how men and women communicate (or people in love). They are able to know different people, see different behaviors, and learn about love, discussions, and communication. Marriage is about building and learning and sharing... and the child sees this. I would want a marriage for myself that I would want the Diva to see as an example as to how a loving relationship works.
But perhaps I am missing something?
Perhaps she needs me to have a marriage in order for her to have the stability and the role of a man in her life? Perhaps she is having a hard time feeling secure and stable in a house where she can depend on only one adult... me.
And perhaps I think way too much!
12 comments:
While I am quite sure there are any number of people who marry just so the child(ren) will have two parents, as I understand your thoughts, one of your ideas is that you could, if married, give the Diva the opportunity to see how two people communicate in a marital relationship. Right? Think about this - if you were to do that, didn't really love the other party, would your relationship then be reflective of two people who are sincere, loving, caring for each other or just two people perhaps trying to act that part? If you're going to marry, do it for the right reasons -because you truly care about, love deeply, the other party and he, you. Divorce, under any circumstances, can be, often is, very ugly and you can better provide the tools Diva will need to function properly in life as a single parent as opposed to in a loveless relationship, or worse, in a nasty divorce (potentially.) THis of course, is just my opinion -others may differ, some may even offer proof-positive that such a marriage as you are talking about can and would survive. But, the odds I would bet, are against success there.
My best friend/cousin thinks these same thoughts! Personally, I wouldn't know the answers to any of them, but really I think all you can do is your best, and besides you have already shown her what a strong and independent woman you are. Diva is going to have to learn to be strong and independent (and who better to learn it from than you!) first. The man can come later ;)
Jeni nailed it.
Jeni did nail it. You give the blue print to the Diva of how relationships will be. It was the reason I got out of my marriage cause I didn't want my son to have the plan of staying in a bad marriage for him. I think it's also a lot of responsibility placed on the child. Kids already take the blame for a lot of their parents stuff. A bad marriage or a divorce would be earthshattering.
I'm sure Diva can benefit tremendously from the presence of a dependable male role model, but the irony is, if you marry someone for that reason alone and it doesn't work out, the effects will be the opposite. She'll eventually have to endure the loss of a paternal figure again.
Where's your road-trip taking you, EO?
*road trips rock*
I think that kids are more resilient that we often give them credit for. At the end of the day, if the adults around them are happily married and for the right reasons, that happiness is apparent to the kids and results in a benefit.
I have several friends whose parents stayed together for their sake, and divorced after they'd gone off to college. Without exception, they all say that they could sense the tension and unhappiness growing up, and wished that the parents had split up earlier. It seems that they all felt this horrible pressure to appreciate what their parents sacrificed for them, and as adults are still coping with that.
Marrying to give your kid another adult is like having another kid to give your first-born a playmate, or having a baby to save a marriage.
In other words — what are you thinking??!!!???
Whoever marries to give her child a dad is lying to herself; she's marrying to give herself relief from single parenting (emotional and financial). And if that's what she decides she needs, great. Just be honest about it ...
I could never do this. Not only is it dishonest and giving the Diva the wrong impression - the impression of love that I don't want for her to use as a role model, it is not fair to the man involved. I am nothing if I am not honest - I take integrity very seriously...
But some parents do it - marrying for their children to have a parent. I know that it is not the path for me, but perhaps it is the best option that some.
I believe the point you're missing is that she's missing the point. Do you NOT do something because your daughter doesn't want to do it? Does this behavior carry over into other things?
Sure, I don't know anything about raising a child, but I'm willing to bet that if she's old enough to say she doesn't want to go on a road trip, then she's certainly old enough to remember enough about it to appreciate the experience when she's older. I can remember several trips that at the time, I didn't want to have anything to do with. But now that I'm older, I realized that my parents drug me kicking and screaming to experience something I've later come to enjoy.
Aaron - She will go on the trip that I want to take - that is just the way it is. She might not like it, but she will go all the same.
It was the rest of the conversation that left me wondering if there was a larger issue at hand.
I did many road trips, in my younger years, because my mom wanted to teach us about this or that. I appreciate the trips now but hated them at the time!
Exactly!
It's sort of that tough-love sentiment. Think of all the lessons your parents tried to teach you when you were her age. You hated ever last bit of it and rebelled as much as your teenage years allowed you to. Then, one day, you realized your parents were actually onto something.
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