"Daddy doesn't spend time with his other kids either?" She asks with a tone that I hear as being hopeful. The question is out of the blue, posed as we sit eating our breakfast.
And I am at a loss. The answer depends on your interpretation. He has just spent time with them on a family vacation...My minds squirms. How on earth do I answer the question that she has posed.
The reality is that he works... he works a lot. But he attends concerts, coaches sports and attends events. He does family vacations, holidays, teacher conferences, meals, and is there to help with homework periodically.
Perhaps he doesn't spend as much time with them as he would like, but he spends time with them all the same... and his work allows them to have a mother who stays at home and is always there.
I can't answer the question fairly. I can't, right now, answer that question without feeling sad or perhaps being fair.
There have been more of these questions in the past year; an increasing number of questions about her dad that I can't answer or don't feel that I can answer fairly.
I hate it. I hate not having an answer. I hate that she doesn't feel comfortable asking him these questions that could be simple or complex... I just don't know.
SO that morning I answered the question as I tend to do of late - "That is something that you need to ask your dad."
And she answers, as she usually does..."I am too embarrassed."
I feel completely helpless.
8 comments:
Oooh... what a sweet heart.
It's such a tough question for the BOTH of you, and one that's completely and totally unfair. It's not a fair fight; I mean, why do you have to defend HIS actions.
He's a grown man; he OUGHT to be able to balls up and tell his daughter the truth. She deserves it, and so do you.
Perfect answer. She can write him the question or you can offer to stand there while she asks then politely bow out.
I would go with either of the above answers. It's a difficult road to walk there. My kids didn't have any half-siblings that their dad spent time with, as opposed to them. His other "love," if you will, for most of their growing years was alcohol. But, regardless of the situation, whatever it is that takes the potential of spending time with an absent parent, it's still difficult to explain that adequately to a child. My theory is that overall, just try to be as honest and upfront as possible, in terms she can now understand -increasing the depth level as she gains maturity and can understand these things - unfair as they may be.
Your child's honesty with you is beautiful, and I appreciate you sharing this story. Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job of nurturing a safe and loving environment.
I thought that was the perfect answer to give her. I can see why shes starting to ask the questions, as she is getting a little older.
You handled it beautifully. It isn't about fairness, but you can't tell her that yet. Developmentally, she doesn't have an understanding of that. When she becomes a preteen, she will, with a bit of healthy cynicism.
As moms, we still must be as neutral about Dad as possible — she's half of him, and putting him down is putting that part of her down.
I always say things like, "You're dad's doing what he believes is right," which doesn't say that I believe it's right (or even have judgment about it). Encouraging her to talk to him about it is great.
One day, she will grasp the bigger picture of you and him as parents and people, flawed, and what that has meant to her. Toughest part of being a parent ...
That was a good answer. I hope she'll have the courage to take your advice.
I have been in your shoes on this one, the differance was ,though, that my sons father never saw his son, and he shared a house that my friends kids lived in, so they would talk to my son about their uncle graham,and what a great guy he was, and what he did with them, and my son knew it was his dad...really, really, painful.
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