19 February, 2008

"It isn't you, it's me"

Last week, Seven Seas wrote about a friend of his suffering through a break-up.  His words touched me.  His friend is suffering greatly as she attempts to determine why she wasn't enough; what she could have done better. 
I have been there; I have experienced something similar.  It is difficult to come to terms with the reality of connections and relationships - they don't always work and there is nothing that would make them work.  The connection just isn't there. 
Logically, I can see a relationship from a distance.  Two people, two personalities, two different lifestyles - sometimes they mesh and sometimes they don't.  Throw into the mix the physiological side and the chemistry... no one really knows what will happen. 
And then there is timing and expectations.  While the relationship might mesh and connect in all the ways stated above, one person might be ready to settle down while the other is about exploring options and sewing oats.  One might want a relationship while the other just wants to have some fun. 
"It's not you, it's me"
Two different people in two different places in life.  Neither is at fault; neither could be any better than the person that they are. 
Oh, how simple it all looks from my window on the world.  When I can look at it with my brain and not my heart. 
But when it is me that is involved, me that is the one that doesn't fit into the timing of the other...it hurts.  It doesn't make sense.  And I, regardless of everything that I am beyond the relationship, take it to heart.  I take it personally. 
I might not trust men for a while beyond a certain point.  I spend a lot of time trying to understand what I could have done better or differently even as my brain attempts to convince my heart that it wasn't me, it was him or timing, or circumstances...etc.  I often, more than anything else, greave the lost opportunity to see if it would work.  This doesn't make much sense as, if were going to work, it would have worked...  
Sometimes I think it might be easier if it were something I could fix.  If it were something about me that I could amend to make it better or right or that would make the relationship work. 
But it doesn't work like that. 
After a while, I get over it.  I move on and realize, with distance and experience, that there is some truth to the statement "It's not you, it's me."  But it isn't easy nor is it painless.  


Seven Seas said...

"Oh, how simple it all looks from my window on the world. When I can look at it with my brain and not my heart."

The heart always makes thing difficult. It amazes me how something that can bring you such joy can also bring such pain, and at the same time how pointless life would be if the brain controlled all the time.

Michael C said...

If only we didn't have to be so emotional about relationships, but then I guess that's what makes the relationship in the first place. Very well written, by the way!

Jeni said...

Agreed, on all fronts here with what you said and been there, done that, wondered what I did wrong, and mostly, what was wrong with me too. Enter then into the picture the adage that you can only change (or control) one person, that being yourself. And sometimes, when you start thinking of what is "wrong with me" it becomes a self-defeating thing then too because unless there really is something "wrong" with a person, then what is there to change? Acceptance of one's self, warts and all, is sometimes a really long, hard step to take. Took me many years before I came to that conclusion -not that it still doesn't hurt at times as I think of past relationships -one in particular -that I really wanted to work but didn't, that I had to accept it was, in the end, that he couldn't accept me as I am, for who and what I am. Very good post, very comprehending of many aspects of life.

AaroN said...

What stinks, is how we all emotionally separate ourselves long before we tell the other our true intentions. And they never see it coming... :(

Kat Wilder said...

Why do we look at it as if it were something about us that we need to "amend" if a relationship doesn't work out?

And, if two people agree it's not the time or place or person, then, it's not necessarily sad; experiences were had, things were learned, hearts opened a little more.