Motherhood... so many feel that life is not complete without it.
Some women feel so strongly about being a mom that they have children, by choice, outside of marriage. I suppose that, in a sense, I was one of these women. I did not set out to get pregnant, but I chose to have my daughter despite all the consequences; I chose to keep her knowing that her dad would be minimally involved, at best.
I understood the reality of the situation completely and entered parenthood, as a single, with my eyes wide open.
It is not easy. Sure, I don't have to deal with attorneys and custody and alimony. I don't have to work through conflict and scheduling and plan vacations around another parent and his potential other family.
Instead I get to do it all by myself!!
All of it!!
Eyes wide open, I made my choices. My career went on hold while I became an active part of my daughter's life. She is young once; experiencing life for the first time. Each stage of her life is something I don't want to miss.
Yet, in putting my career on hold, I also put my finances on hold. While her friends live in houses with land, we live in a small condo. While her dad vacations in his beach house and enjoys a house with lots of space, I dream of exploring various destinations and we (the Diva and I) debate what toys we can keep and what we can't due to lack of space and our tiring of stacks of stuff that doesn't have a place of its own.
But we are happy. We sing and dance and explore. We read books, draw pictures, and take turns at the keyboard. We make the most of what we have...95% of the time.
And the other 5% of the time, we learn to work through growing pains, inequality, and my need for a break while lacking the finances to give me what I need.
In addition to the professional choices, I had to make personal choices.
"What are you doing home on a Friday night?"
Well, let's see, reading, relaxing, enjoying the quiet... and not having a relationship with a man.
Some women can do it - juggle the relationship with single parenting and the career.
I am not one of those women. It would be easier if I was a 50% custody parent. I would have the time to explore new options. I might even have the energy to invest in a relationship outside my daughter. But, I am not so lucky.
I have custody of my daughter - sole custody.
There are times when I miss the possibility of a relationship. I don't rule it out completely. I accept where I am but, and this is a big but, if a guy came along or someone decided to set me up... Well, I think I would like that!
And yet, when I have dated, I realize just how little of me there is to give.
Perhaps, someday, it will be my turn. The Diva will mature and not have time for her mom (not want mom around - something I am not anticipating, etc). My career will take off (I hope) and I will be able to take those great vacations and have time for myself. And maybe, just maybe, there will be time for love and a relationship... if it isn't too late!
This is written as my response to Kat's post.
8 comments:
I guess sad that you can't date, but your life seems full and happy at the moment. What more could one ask for?
Hi, TE,
I enjoyed your response.
You know, in a way your situation isn't such a far stretch from my married situation; we were not wealthy but we got by, and family wasn't close. We joined baby-sitting co-ops, in which we'd watch kids one night and earn credits toward a night that we could have a date.
Those "our time" dates are just as important as a "me time" for singles; it makes you a better partner and individual.
I hope you can or do have an arrangement like that. Or friends you can switch "play-dates" with. Or a teenager who can mentor, play with and watch the Diva for an hour or two.
It's important for our kids to see their parents as complete, happy, multifacted people. And we deserve that, too!
I would so gladly give up my career today to be with my girls every moment that they want me around.
They are the suns of my life....
The right time will come.
High marks to you for stepping up and being an uncommon mom. I know too many women who have made similar choices and not dealt so kindly to the consequences of those choices. Mothers who are not willing to sacrafice themselves for the sake of their children (or their family). While you are at home forsaking your dwindling social life, you are helping your daughter establish a life of experiences that will greatly reward her as she ages.
We have a similar story TE, i had my son very young, i left his violent father when he was 6 months old..and brought him up on my own, with no financial (or emotional) help from anyone....it was bloody hard, and i didnt have qualifications then, so i had to do all sorts of low paid work to survive.And relationships definetly were put on the back burner...i too had sole custody, and i didnt have any kind of network of friends or family to help..and to be honest i was always too exhausted working, doing the mum bit, to think of a relationship.
but you know, I wouldnt change any of it for the world, he has grown up into a fine,strong amazinging decent young man, who is also one of my closest friends.
You are doing a fantastic job with your daughter from what i hear, and there will be time for all the other things one day.
It's never too late for love and a relationship. When the time is right and the man is right, all will fall into place!
It is kind of sad that I don't date, but I don't lose sleep over it either. Every once in a while I go out and remember why I don't. It just isn't fair to the man - I don't have the time to give.
The time will come; the guy will come; it will all work.
I don't regret this time at all. It is a gift to myself actually - spending time with a great kid and watching her learn, discover, and experience. There will be time for me in the future. Right now my time is best spent with her.
I don't have the support system that many have or that the books recommend for single parents. It is not in my nature to have such a system in general, thus, I am more like Enigma. I look forward to seeing my daughter turn into a wonderful adult.
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