What does it mean to be monogamous?
In the context of marriage, the way I have heard it traditionally defined, it is forsaking all others. I question whether, in this day of technology, internet, mobile phones, men and women working closely together, monogamy is a romantic ideal over a realistic goal that can be achieved?
I know several women who believe that a friendship between their husbands and another woman is a problem. Is it infidelity? I am not sure whether they would go so far as to call it that, but I know that it nears the line. These friendships are prohibited.
One man, with such a wife, explained that he doesn't tell his wife if a woman is at a lunch meeting or at a conference simply because she will freak out. It is about picking his battles and that battle is fruitless. He has no interest in other women, but his wife's definition of what is okay and what is not precludes him from socializing with other women.
I am not sure that this woman is alone in her definition of monogamy and nearing the line of infidelity.
She might not be alone, but is her definition outdated? Is it possible for a man or a woman to live under/with such a strict definition?
The question, therefore, might not be "what is monogamy" but where does the line of infidelity reside?
Does it differ from couple to couple? Do couples actively determine where that line is in their relationship before vowing to "forsake all others?"
Some of my closest friends are men. I can't imagine a man, who loves me, telling me that I can no longer be friends with men. I could not promise to befriend only women; I would not like being asked to make such a promise.
Monogamy - it seems like such a straight forward word. perhaps centuries ago it was easily defined with each party consenting to that definition. How things have changed - as noted in this article, The New Monogamy - Until death do us part—except every other Friday,By Em & Lo, Nov 12, 2005.
What’s new here is not that couples are being nonmonogamous,” says Stephanie Coontz, professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Washington, and author of Marriage: A History. “It’s that couples are negotiating the terms of their monogamy.” Of course, such negotiations can be as exhausting as cheating ever was; just ask anyone who’s tried to plan a “nontraditional” wedding. There’s something to be said for the well-worn path—it’s like a built-in referee. Sure, you might not agree with his calls, but at least he always has one.
Everything is evolving. Our ideas of family, work, marriage, relationships, communication, politics, and... monogamy. In the end, it seems that each couple defines monogamy for itself, the boundaries, limitations, and where lie those pesky lines!
11 comments:
Not only does monogamy not have to refer to onls sexs, it doesn't have to refer strictly to relationships with people. Romancing the bottle (pipe/needle) can be just as devastating as an affair with another person.
My own ignorant self believes that monogamy is violated when attention given to another person or thing deprives a relationship from the nurturing it needs/deserves.
It's also incumben upon the people in a committed relationship to declare and respect boundaries with respect to external relationships. Everybody' limits are different.
This subject has always bewildered me. I do find that monogamy comes very naturally, when you are with certain people.
That's all. The end. :)
I think so much of this has to do with how the person was when you met. Did they have a lot of opposite sex friends then?
I know a couple of men that have built very big, strong organizations with women working for them. They are good friends with these women and trust them immensely with their business. I could never dream of asking someone to give relationships like that up-- it just doesn't make sense.
Now, if all the sudden your partner, let's say a man, starts actively seeking opposite sex relationships where they haven't before, then that may be a concern.
I guess what I'm saying is you have to know a person and their life and how they make choices to know if this is a "problem" in a relationship. I'm not saying people can't change, but I don't entirely believe men or women that claim to be shocked and surprised when their partner strays, either. There is always a road leading to something. Always.
The internet, chatting, email, etc. can sure make it all get much closer to the edge of what is and what isn't monogamy than ever before.
I agree completly with Brien, my partner has been having a love affair with drugs and alchohol for the first 7 years of our relationship. .and when out of it he would be physically unfaithful as well, it has made me think very carefully about the idea of monogamy, and as brien says, whatever you are giving away energy to , that doesnt include the relationshipis as far as i,m concerned is a sort of infedility...having said that, I believe that we dont own each other, and cant rule each other.And i do believe that relationships are about negotiating, and renegotiating the structures.
I believe monogomy is a realistic goal. If by using "forsake all others" to define monogomy, then you have to define "forsake." I'll use the traditional definition of "forsake" to include "leaving all others." In that sense, to be monogomous, means you're putting one person above all else.
The only consideration technology brings into this is that it shortens the distance between individuals. I believe the problem (when dealing with work) is that few people treat it as such and make it more of their lives than necessary. If you're burning the midnight oil on "work" when not spending time with your husband/wife, then you're certainly not being monogomous.
TE, I think the best definition of monogamy is the one that the couple decides for themselves — they set the boundaries of what they think is OK and what isn't, not what "society" tells them.
That seems to be the only thing that (may) work. Because whatever we're doing now isn't!
Kat, love your comments.
I believe that not only is having sexual relations cheating but also thinking about having sex with another woman or man is cheating. Touching another girl even holding hands with is cheating. As for being friends with another girl, that is fine as long as it doesn’t cross the line. But i would want to know about it. If i had never met her or spoken to her then that is cheating because you would be doing something in secret. As for buying gifts or meals for another girl i better know about it before hand and should be a good reason (sick, lost her job, birthday and so on) otherwise that is cheating.
The best definition of monogamy is any that gets followed by 'antiquated'. Whatever 'terms' are negotiated with respect to the degree to which 'all others' should be forsaken, short of that they should not be forsaken at all, are bad terms. If anything monogamy represents a negative ideal. As far as I can tell people, for instance Bre above, have essentially internalized the notion of monogamy, through some combination of its traditional religious role, the legal precedent for, the contemporary social acceptance of, and what basically amount to children' fairy tales, such that it represent a case of borderline psychosis.
Hypothetically speaking say I am in some type of relationship such that terms of this nature are to be negotiated. (In actuality I'm celibate as I've given up trying to explain this point to people who are much more Bre-like than they are me-like). I've done a lot of work with the mentally disabled, in to course of which I've done a lot of hand holding, back patting, comfort shoulder rubbing and 'intimate' conversation having. What am I supposed to do, say sorry I know you're depressed, feel unloved and don't understand why no one will to touch you but I can't help you cause I made a promise to my delusional friend to forsake you so that she can feel better about herself? Is there any rational justification for that, yeah I biased it a bit by throwing in delusional, take it out, isn't the delusional still implied? And you might think well that's the mentally disabled, that's kind of an exception because they're not really a serious 'threat', but consider someone who isn't, seems pretty foolish to say sorry I can't help you, if only you were legally retarded.
People need to get over themselves, forget whatever stupid ideal it is that make them think what they need is to feel special and better than other people and remember the ideal that says what we need to do is love as many people as possible as much as we possibly can.
Jealousy is among the basest of all human emotions and it has nothing to do with loving the other person and everything to do with being insecure. I for one hope it goes in our next (/present) evolutionary step.
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