Picture it - They are sitting in the car. She is pouring her heart out to him. Tears falling, her heart filled with pain and anguish, she needs to be touched, comforted, or to hear that she is loved and amazing. Instead she hears... silence; she feels no touch or gentle soothing.
There is nothing that seems to make men more uncomfortable than...
A crying woman.
I would love it if some guy out there would explain this to me.
What, pray tell, is so threatening about a woman in tears?
Sure, it isn't one of her more attractive moments, but it is an honest moment (we can hope) and one which allows men such opportunities.
I mean, the man who can comfort a crying woman...A Keeper!
Don't get me wrong, I know that men are fixers. They want to jump into a situation and make it better. A crying woman is something that befuddles and confuses more than anything else. They know that this is not something that they can fix with a hammer or a call to the florist (usually). They realize that the answer is something that requires an emotional response on their part.
And that, apparently, is asking a lot! For some, it is just beyond them how to respond correctly.
Women, on the other hand, seem to know what to do instinctively. Soothing touches and sounds, back rubbing, a hug, attentive listening...
So why is this beyond men?
*generalizing here, I know. I am sure that there are very wonderful men out there who are great when women cry!
9 comments:
this is how i know that mr.match is a keeper for now. there have been heaps of tears on my part, and he's been so gratious in handling all my meltdowns. sometimes it's not WORDS that we need to help us get through it, it's simply a sweet gesture, embrace, or touch.
If this were a man's blog, he might ask why women are always so emotional? :D
But either way, you and I both know the answers to these questions. More entertaining question are: You want to know why men can't be more comforting. I want to know why woman have to cry about everything. Both generalizations, yes. The point being, we're all wired differently.
Sure, most men could be more attentive to your needs, but that means that you could date just about any average man. But you don't want average...
Men aren't taught that stuff. Everything in male society stuffs man's emotions. Boys are suppose to be tough and not cry. The only acceptable social appropriate place a guy can have emotional outbursts are sports. That's why you see guys so emotional at sporting events. My friend said his uncle didn't shed a tear when his sister dies, but cried when his team lost. Their is a great book on it. 200 ways to raise a boy's emotional intelligence.
I once asked my ex this question. "Why is it that when I'm crying, you don't hold me and comfort me?"
He gave the most sensible answer I ever heard him utter.
"Well because I'm usually the source of your tears, so I figure I'm the last person you want to be touching you."
(To add: He was wrong. He was the only REAL person who could comfort me in such a situation, but I do understand the logic.)
Brookem - He sounds like a great guy. I am glad you have him and are giving it a go given all that has happened.
Aaron - Not all women are cryers (until they have kids and then...) but when we do cry, we want to be comforted by the man who loves us/we love. But you are correct, we are all wired differently. And no, each of us is not looking for the average - we want the exception!
Mike - I hope that boys are learning differently given the changes in society though I fear that girls are learning differently as well. They seem to be less emotional? Are you teaching your son differently?
Teri - I see your X point, but I am right there with you on him being the one to comfort. I have been there - but how to get them to see that?
I have comforted a fair share of woman friends (and some strangers) in tears, so I can't offer any explanation as to why some men won't.
However, if a woman is repeatedly pairing up with men who won't or can't console her when she's grieving, I'd urge her to dig deep into her own psyche to examine why she keeps falling for such men.
Kenneth - That is, in itself, a great question!
As best I can as a distance Dad. Although I know he acts differently with me than he does with others in that he will cry and be upset. While in public he will be silent. At least he gets it out.
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