How often have we heard this statement - No one is perfect.
We know that we aren't perfect. In fact, we, better than anyone else, know why and how we aren't perfect... and yet... we all hate to admit it. It is hard to admit that we aren't as perfect as we would like to be. It is even harder when we realize that our kids are going to figure out that we are not perfect - that we aren't even close to perfect - and that we are not super heroes!
I am fine with not being perfect. I have weaknesses and flaws like everyone else. I believe that it is the imperfections that make each of us interesting. Yet, the idea of my daughter learning exactly how imperfect I am... well, that kind of scares me.
I mean, she knows that I am not "super Mom" despite my attempts to convince her other wise by occasionally wearing a cape and knowing things about her school day that she hasn't told me! But there are things, skeletons of sorts I guess, that I am not as comfortable admitting to her - those things about me of which I am more insecure or uncertain as to how they will impact her and her view of herself and of me.
A friend of mine wrote this when I told her about my concerns (don't we all need friends like this!):
She will know that her mother is not some pillar of stone without flaw, which I think is important for kids to know. She won’t think poorly of you. She will learn compassion and expand her awareness.
The statement made me feel much better because, well, the reality is that I am not perfect, haven't claimed to be perfect in at least 25 years, and the Diva is going to figure that out sooner than later. It is important that she figure it out; that all kids figure it out. Kids need to realize that their perceptions of their parents as perfect or as heroes... well, they are just perceptions and not the real person. Once those perceptions are gone, there can be more to the relationship.
I always knew my mom wasn't perfect; I don't remember figuring it out or a moment when she became human. My dad, on the other hand, I remember trying to figure out the changes in my relationship with him one summer when, for whatever reason, I realized that he was human. I never thought him to be perfect or heroic, but... I do remember when I discovered him to be human - and it being awkward for me.
I recently spoke with a dad who was ready to charge in on his white horse and slay the dragon coach who had hurt his 12 year old daughter. It is hard to watch your child treated unjustly. It is hard to know when to be the hero and when to let the child be their own hero - especially when the child ages and a parents status as "hero" is at risk.
And maybe that is why the Diva never believed me to be "Super Mom," I never have been one to ride in to save the day! The advantage of this is that I never have to worry about loosing hero status, just the disclosure of a few "skeletons, of a sort."
7 comments:
This I know for sure. When children reach around eleven, they start becoming a constant mirror for us to see our weaknesses. I think this is why so many parents hate the teenage phase. Yeah, they say the kids are sassy, etc... but it's my theory that it's really this mirror issue. We do try to keep our secrets from them. And at this time, we realize it didn't work!
I thought my parents were perfect. I don't know when I realized they weren't because they are pretty close to being THE perfect parents. But being a perfect parent is different from being perfect. A perfect parent really just loves and respects their children. Teaching them that they are important and valuable. And that even with their flaws, they are beautiful. A perfect parent also teaches the child to realize this about them.
So, I'd say you are perfect! :)
I would say it is for the better. I know my son doesn't think I'm perfect, but does look up to me. I hope it's from being honest with him with my mistakes. He knows a lot of my stories and he has learned from them. Just telling him not to do stuff never worked, but when I shared honestly with him. Boy he remembers everything.
I believe as a girl, it is even more important that she know that you aren't perfect. I know of (and have read of) too many women who impose some unjust level of perfection on their daughters. They set their daughters up to be a basket case (or some shrink's meal ticket) for the rest of their lives due to rampant self-image issues. She should know that no one is perfect and trying to hide those flaws and convince everyone you are is shallow.
I enjoy reading how you're raising the Diva to be a strong, free-thinker and view the world through uncommon reason and I'm sure it will benefit her in adulthood. Obviously, the other half of your blog deals with the stress and sacrifice this attributes to your life as a single mother. Let us know when she starts reading your blog. :D
CT - Thank you *blush*. I try. Sometimes I think parenting is about not worrying about the little things and image and... letting go of the wheel! (At least it can be more interesting that way!)
Mike - Honesty goes a long way. I have been a believer in the few rules strategy - rules are firm and not to be broken as they are those that will save lives etc. The rest of the time, like you, I explain and am honest. I am who I am... and that is someone worth sharing I think. (Just as the Diva, as she is, is worth knowing)
Aaron - The name changes delight me!!
Let's not forget the hero that little girls often believe their dad to be - if they don't grow out of it, they continue to look for that perfect man that, well, doesn't exist.
She could read it at any time... she knows the URL I am sure. (*sigh*)
I know well that feeling of wanting to "charge in like a white knight". I also know it is a difficult urge to resist. But, I firmly believe we must resist the urge most of the time.
If our children are to learn to solve their own problems they have to be allowed to start with the small issues. I've seen far too many college students who had no clue how to do anything. Those folks had too many white knights for their own good.
TAG
TE — The best advice I heard about this came, sadly, from Mr. Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus himself. He said if we satisfied every desire, need and want of our kids, they would grow up emotional cripples because ... the world doesn't work that way! They wouldn't be able to cope.
So, Good Enough Mom is good enough for me; as long as it's based in unconditional love and acceptance of who and what your child is (and not your version of what you want her to be.
TAG - Totally agree!
KAT - Yes, accepting your kid for who they are and giving them the space to be that person is... key to me.
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