We chat, we flirt, and eventually the conversation turns to sex.
"I want..." he begins, in a matter of fact tone, a list of the different things that he would like to enjoy ranging from just the visual to the physical. "And what do you want?"
I am speechless. Why is it that most of the men I know intimately have a list of the things that they "want" and I, well... don't.
This is not to say that I don't have an idea as to what I "want" but it is not in the form of a list. I do not have goals or objectives. When it comes to physical intimacy, I like to let my body do what it is going to do. My logical, rational mind turns off leaving creativity, passion, chemistry and instinct to take charge.
For the most part, this works for me. I am able to side step that "what do you want" question and relax into just letting things happen.
But not always.
Of late I have been sucked into reading a few books by Nora Roberts. These are books that I do not normally read and, well, I have read the few of late out of necessity and lack of option more than anything else. Reading the explicit scenes leaves me wondering...and wanting.
First, do such men exist?
Not the romantic lead with all the flowers and music and candlelight, but the men who are intense and aggressive (not mean or angry); men who initiate and lead knowing that they already know what I want and... well, if they don't, they will figure it out along the way and make sure that the desire/need is met. Men who seize the moment, go with the flow, and relish in the look/touch/and feel of me.
My men, as wonderful as they are, are not necessarily those that resemble the man described above. They are much more likely to hesitate and let me take the lead than fall pray to their own instincts or desires. Their idea of mixing things up is by adding items to the stew rather than using imagination or researching other recipes to vary the spices etc.
And they want to know what I want. (I have not yet red this line in any of these books).
I appreciate their desire to hear me verbalize my own desires and wants. I know that they only ask in order to make it better and more fulfilling for me, but...
How do I verbalize that what I want is not necessarily to be touched here or kissed there but more.. to be swept off my feet (if only just a few times a year). What I want is someone to know me and my body to the point that there is no need to ask the question. I want a lack of lists, surprise, creative moves...
I don't want the fictitious man described in the book. I want the real man with all the complications that come with being a man, but I want the ability to completely let go.
If such men exist (beyond the pages of Nora Roberts that is) then where can I find one?