He comes into my office and takes a seat. I am not sure what is up given that I have talked to him already this morning (when he delivered a wonderful box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts straight from Hawaii - sometimes it is worth it to do the boring work)
He tells me about his son's half sister, the frantic e-mail he received in Hawaii, and the actions this 16 year old girl's mother took in response to her behavior.
The 16 year old girl, with great grades, a job, and a good head on her shoulders, was caught sneaking out of her house to spend the night with her 17 year old boy friend. She had been doing this for a number of months.
her mother responded by starting the process to remove her from school (which her step father put an end to before everything was complete), grounded her, has enrolled her in counseling, believes that the child did this to find a father figure, and sent her through a battery of GYN procedures.
I sat completely stunned and unsure of how to respond or what to say. I am not sure that the man wanted me to say anything specifically; he just wanted someone to listen.
He went on to tell me that he was not surprised that she had sex. He wouldn't have been surprised if she had sex when she was 14, though he knows that she did not.
And that statement shook me out of my silence.
While the mother was concerned about the sex and the reasons for the daughter having it, the man in my office was focused upon whether or not the guy had been worthy and whether the 16 year old would have regrets. And me? I was focused upon the issue of trust.
It is well established that I am an open minded parent. I answer my daughter's questions and promote a very honest and comfortable relationship about all matters - even those involving sex. So the part of this situation that bothered me most was the sneaking out and not coming to a parent or a trusted friend for help in securing safety and healthy options.
But the idea of any child, mine or another's, having sex at 14... I know that it is becoming more common, but seriously... for my Diva, that is just six years away.
I questioned why he wouldn't have been surprised. His answer was simple and straight forward,
society.
While I sit and listen to classical music or the wondrous sounds of Andre or the down home songs from the world of country, there are kids out there listening to music that is filled with sex. Not the romantic ballads of my generation or those that came before. Oh no, we are talking graphic descriptions and testosterone laden lyrics that are more about notches on bedposts over mutual gratification and the maturity that makes it all that much better.
Just as we have become more tolerant of violence, we have become more tolerant of the ideas of sex that our kids see and hear - of which, we as adults, may be slightly or completely unaware.
I like to consider myself an "aware" parent, and yet, after this conversation, I fear that I am out of the loop when it comes to the world my daughter will enter in a number of years. I am striving to create a relationship and an environment with her now in the hopes that it will endure the pressures of the world she will enter; a world that largely will not include me.
4 comments:
It is likely your daughter will have sex before she turns twenty. It's not likely she will have sex before she is sixteen.
Those are the odds, given the environment she is in.
But knowing what I know about you, she will probably feel safe telling you about her struggles with it. Although, she may not tell you when she decides to follow through with it. It's a very personal thing. No matter who you are or how much trust you have with your family and/or peers.
My oldest (boy) was 22 when he first had sex. Called me that night to tell me about it! At one a.m.! My daughter was 20. I found out about it later. (Girls are more private than boys, even though my daughter has always felt very comfortable telling me ALL about everything in her life.) My youngest (boy) had his first sexual experience when he was sixteen. I think. I'm not real clear on the details. And he became a father at nineteen (barely nineteen). Which was all fine with him. He's quite happy.
That mother did overreact to the girl's actions, though, in my oh-so-humble opinion. :)
I'm inclined to view the situation and the mother's reactions much the same at the above poster - a little over the top, to remove her from school. What's next then? A chastity belt, locked and the key hidden away till when? Not that I don't understand her motive, just that I think she went way overboard in her initial reactions.
As to your reaction and also your concerns with your daughter, like you, I have the larger issue with the sneaking out, the distrustful moves the daughter made, etc.
For you and your daughter, I firmly believe as long as you keep to the path you have established with her, the open communications, etc., she will respond in kind and you'll both be able to have a great and open relationship with each other and her with her peers as well with a lessening then of some of the pressure we all know peer groups can exert on people.
It is a very scary world to prepare a child for, and I cannot imagine the weight of that responsibility. From junior high forward in my childhood, I always knew people that were having sex. It was never a secret, not amongst a group or a class or even the school. But, there were also those of us who didn't fall into that category and we felt good about it.
Were we taught differently than these other kids about sex? Maybe. But what it really was, and of course this is something I see better now, is that we were taught differently about respect.
Teri - I would agree with your opinion. The Diva will make her own way, I just need to ensure that she has all the information she needs before she sets forth!
Jeni - I hope that is the case. Developing such a relationship with your kids is hard, I think.
JR - Respect is key. I think that was the man in my office point. He was working with her (kind of a big brother situation) and encouraging her to realize that she is a beautiful person with lots of growing to do - and to respect others but also herself.
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