My Turn - Kind of

For  the past week I have been on a virtual high.  Excitement has run through my veins.  I have not been worried as much about the details as I have been focused on the reality that it is, nearly, "My Turn.”

 

My turn to live my dreams, to have a career that I want, to work in a environment that I will love, to do something for the greater good.  It is my turn to be professionally happy.  It is time for me to decide and choose for me rather than for X, Y, or Z!

 

And then I arrived at work on Monday.  And then I found out that the Diva's camp situation is not as covered as I had anticipated.

 

For an hour or two I cried.  Not because I can't find her a camp or I can't negotiate with a new employer or make it all work.  Not because it will mean that I can't take the job (not that there is a job offered right now, but there will be).  I cried because my bubble burst - developed a slow leek is actually more precise.

 

I cried because I realized, once again, just how much of my life is centered on everyone but me.  Perhaps this is a parent thing; a mother thing; a natural female/person thing?  I don't know.  There are moments in which I am reminded (never very subtly) that it is "not just about me.”

 

Sure, I want this change.  I want a new job in a new location.  I want to fulfill all those dreams that I put aside because I wanted to be a mom/involved parent and because I am a sole custody parent.  And I can make the change, but it isn't going to be as easy as I had anticipated.  A lot of those things have not changed in that I want to be an involved mom, my daughter does come first, and I am still a sole custody parent.

 

For an hour or two, I was reminded that it isn't "my Turn" as much as I had thought that it was.  I am moving that much closer to the ride, but my turn has not yet totally arrived.

 

I was reminded that I need to be patient, to take it step by step, and know that everything will work out at the right time.

 

And that maybe I need to figure out how to start focusing some of my energy on me rather than on everyone else "except" me!!

 

I dried my tears and thought about doing some internet shopping (great therapy).  But I didn't.  I thought about researching other camp options for the Diva, but I didn't.  And now I am considering a trip of sorts... an adventure for the two of us.  That might be the best option so far.

 

And I do need to figure out how to take more care of me.     

 

It's My Turn - Diana Ross

 

I can't cover up my feelings
In the name of love
Or play it safe
For a while that was easy
And if living for myself
Is what I'm guilty of
Go on and sentence me
I'll still be free
It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me
Because it's my turn
With no apologies
I've given up the truth
To those I've tried to please
But now it's my turn
If I don't have all the answers
At least I know I'll take my share of chances
Isn't no use in holding on
When nothing stays the same
So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain isn't going to hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy
It's my turn
With no more room for lies
FOR YEARS I'VE SEEN MY LIFE
Through someone else's eyes
And now it's my turn
To try and find my way
And if I should get lost
At least I'll own today
It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
And there isn't no use in holding of
When nothing stays the same
So I'll let it rain
'Cause the rain isn't going to hurt me
And I'll let you go
'Though I know it won't be easy
It's my turn
To see what I can see
I hope you'll understand
This time's just for me
Because it's my turn
To turn and say goodbye
I sure would like to know
That you're still on my side
Because it's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn
To start from number one
Trying to undo
Some damage that's been done
But now it's my turn
To reach and touch the sky
No one's going to say
At least I didn't try
It's my turn
Yes, it's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn
It's my turn