28 May, 2008

Body Language

"Isn't that a bad word?"  the 4th grade girl sitting with the Diva and a 3rd grade boy asked.  The word to which she was referring...Penis. 
 
I would like to say that there was a hushed silence.  I would like to say that, for just a moment, the world stopped as I collected my thoughts and considered my response carefully.  But that is not what happened.
 
A friend told me later that I should have ignored the question; just pretended as if it wasn't asked.  But... I didn't.  
 
Instead of counting to ten before answering,I jumped!  (Granted, I didn't freak out or respond with shock, nor did I giggle, blush, or cringe.    I was very level headed and calm.  )
 
"No.  It is the name of a body part."  I think I added something about it not being used often in public or different families viewing it differently, but my base answer was "no."
 
Penis is not a bad word.  
 
Had she been older, I might have asked her why she considered it to be a bad word.  she is a sweet kid, and I am sincerely curious.  This little girl has an older brother and twin younger brothers, I wonder what they call it if they do not say penis?
 
The English language (like most I am sure) is filled with words to say precisely what we mean.  For the most part, we are lazy and use only a small percentage of the words that make up this rich language.  Some of the words that we choose to use are slang.  There are so many slang or colloquial words for body parts -especially words that are related to sexuality.
 
From the time the Diva was 4, we have lived with various male cats.  As a result, we have taken them to the vet to have them neutered.  My curious kid had questions, thus, she knows the names of the different body parts.  She doesn't blush or titter when she hears the words penis or testicle as that is what they are called.  But she did think it was funny when she first heard the term "nuts" and doesn't understand why some of her friends refer to the penis as a "hot dog."
 
For that matter, neither do I. 
 
Why do we create such names for body parts?  Why do we feel embarrassed when we hear them called by their actual names? 
 
And I am not just talking about the word penis. 
 
I could say the same about breasts and vagina... that latter is a word that we don't hear very often!
 
Why do we do this?

19 comments:

cathouse teri said...

Ignore the question? I've never heard of this as good advice in response to a child's query. Did the child ask you this or was she just chatting with her friends?

At any rate, I don't think you responded wrongly at all. But then again, what do I know? I mean, I'm a fuckin' whore! ;)

When my daughter was about six, she had a friend over. The girl was talking about how her mother wanted to have another baby, but was waiting for God to give them one. My daughter looked at her and said, "What? You don't get babies from God, you get them from having sex." (Now, my daughter didn't know what sex was, but she knew you needed it to have a baby.)

That girl was never allowed to play at my house again.

Anyway, I believe we use those "other" words to describe body parts because we are uncomfortable with their real names.

Plus the real names sound so clinical. In natural speech, it might sound silly to throw in a sort of medical term.

Sometimes, I might say to my boyfriend, "Hey, will you put your pee-pee inside me?"

Another time I said, "Is it okay if I'm in love with your penis?" He said, "Sure, as long as you remember it's attached to me!"

But in general conversation, I usually call a penis a dick. Or a cock.

See, we use language for effect. I think we learn (at least I hope we learn) to use it creatively to say what we want to say.

Mike said...

Ignoring a child's question is never good advice. Also thinking body part names are bad starts a whole train of thought problems.

Now the million different names is just a guy thing. My 9 year old has just found the fun of this with his friends.

Cliff said...

First thing I want to say is Cathouse Teri ordered me to come over here.

Now as far as using biological terms for body parts, I see nothing wrong with that. And most of the slang terms have lost their power in this generation because they have been used so much. Only reason that some of the power has returned to these words is because the FCC has restored power to them since the Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" during the Super Bowl halftime show in 2004.

Do I prefer to use these words in mixed company? No, as I do have respect for both myself and others and the way I choose to show it is to speak in a respectful manner.

Jami said...

Both my 7-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son use the correct anatomic terms for all their body parts because that's the only way we ever referred to them. Penis, breast, vagina, anus and some others I can't think of right now simply because they're a non-issue in our house. In fact, when my son started school he came home on the first day and asked if a "weenie" was the same as a "penis".

However, I will admit that we use "pee" and "poop" instead of "uninate" and "defecate" or "piss" and "shit".

cathouse teri said...

The only time I use the word "vagina" is when I'm joking.

anno said...

It sounds like you did just great. Ignoring the question would have only sent a very clear message that "penis" IS a bad word.

Sometimes I wonder if these words for our "private places" are likewise privatized; thus hearing them in unexpected or public contexts makes us uneasy.

Interesting discussion. Cathouse Teri sent me by, BTW. I always follow up her leads.

The Exception said...

Thanks everyone for dropping by. It was an interesting discussion. My daughter uses the real words, but I can see a need to know when to use the different words as well.

Dr Z said...

I also came by way of the Cathouse. My veddy proper British babysitter taught both my sons to say "I need to spend a penny" instead of "I need to pee" which was very cute, until they had a different sitter. THEN they were practically in tears standing at the grocery store with a handful of change and no one to take them to the damn bathroom. True story.

Brad K. said...

Cathouse Teri sent me to this post, and required I post a comment. So this is her fault.

The generous side of me wants to think we simplify things for early lessons, and go into more detail as the child matures and gains experience in understanding of adult information.

We give a child a toy 'workbench' with the split wood things and a wood hammer to bang away. The only instruction is to bang only on the toy workbench and not little brother or Mommy or the furniture or walls or floor. As the child gains in motor skills and understanding, we eventually show them nails and hammers, and let them learn to drive a nail. Years later, we may expect them to help shingle a roof, build a project, or other effort where they drive the nails to accomplish a particular task - that we will be depending on to be well constructed.

Our first steps in raising an infant have to do with beginning communication and emotional development. Next comes rudimentary social skills - including potty training. We teach words and use sounds that emphasize the level of training, and add as few distractions as possible. (Then we read to them to open their minds to stories, to events and experiences that happen to others, and the idea of make-believe. Go figure.) We generally 'protect' kids from sex, especially since that ogre book writer, Dr. Spock. Why couldn't our parents ask, "Why would what our parents did stop working?!" Ah, well.

Because, as a society, we think of kids as being free (hopefully) of sex (and incest) exposure, publicly we expect kids to exhibit an absence of knowledge about sex. We also want apparent ignorance of the terms for the acts and the genitals.

On the one hand, a six year old using the word 'penis' clearly and correctly shouldn't be a problem. Yet the use of the term raises a question - how much more sex does the kid know, and how did they learn it?

I liked the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Kindergarten Cop. If you watch the flick again, notice the scenes where the kindergartner stand up to draw attention to himself, and announces, "Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina." The kid knows he is acting out. The adults, both times he plays the prank, acknowledge that he made an announcement, they recognize it was a prank and not a communication, and they decline to use the words further. By example they show that, in Kindergarten, the words are not commonly used nor required.

I finally, after 50 years of searching, found a way to remember the color puce. It was reading a fantasy short story called, I think, 'Seven Crown Jack,' a bawdy tavern tale. The (inebriated) men decided that they would decide who had the biggest penis by lining up a line of coins (crowns) from the edge of the bar, in line away from the edge. Then the man that could knock the most coins to the floor without using his hands would be judged the winner. After a discussion Jack got consensus that the prepuce (foreskin) was a part of the penis, and thus the seven coins he dislodged made him the winner. I remembered that story, and that prepuce (before 'puce') was another name for foreskin. And I have remembered the color puce ever since.

We teach kids colors using only eight vary basic, vivid colors. Later we introduce mixtures and shades. And seldom do we introduce puce and argent in 1st grade.

Like I say, the generous part of me thinks we like kids to master kid things, and not get into sex before they are near puberty (or 30, whichever comes last!).

The less-generous part of me thinks their parents never mastered their vocabulary, their communications, nor their sexual identity. And those kids have been floundering without responsible role models in sex since daytime TV and the invention of 'good church living'.

You don't encounter terms like object oriented design and flow chart outside of technical areas, often only in software design. You don't usually need terms like vagina and nipple unless you are discussing health, body development, or sex. So 'appropriate time and place' usage applies, since we don't want our kids engaging in sex in public or even publicly displaying awareness of sex until they have safely grown away from home. "Out of sight, out of mind," parenting can be a great stress reliever.

exskindiver said...

Teri sent me, and I obeyed.
Brad K says it well.

Carrie said...

Oh my... I have no idea why we ignore it. Especially because some of my student nurse colleagues have trouble saying the anatomically correct term for our body parts. SIgh.

Bee said...

WoW! The question is a hard one.
I think you handled it pretty well since you answered her truthfully.

Aaron said...

titter?

The Exception said...

Thanks for the thoughts and comments!

Another little girl had a play date. When it was over, she ran to her mom and asked "what is a penis?" Apparently her friend mentioned the term while visiting. The mother and grandmother were shocked.

Perhaps, as Brad suggests, penis implies some knowledge of sex? I am not sure as I clearly recall sitting in upper level science classes and people feeling uncomfortable using the term... and forget vagina, that caused even greater discomfort.

Lad Litter said...

I have three sons, eldest 14. Damned if I just can't bring myself to initiate "the talk".

Karl said...

Good Morning Exception,

I like some of the others come your way via The Road Lester Traveled.

Using an anatomically correct term shouldn't be considered a dirty word, nor should children be taught that a part of their body is dirty or bad. they should be taught what the correct terms are and when it is appropriate to discuss it.

What would be wrong is a parent condoning the use of a term like "hot dog" when referring to a penis. They will learn the slang terms eventually, but if they are taught in a body positive and sexually positive atmosphere, they will be less likely to abuse by either the proper or the slang term

cathouse teri said...

I started to write something here, and as long as some of my posts are, this one became an entire fucking post! So I think I'll post it at my place sometime in the near future. Maybe. :)

So glad so many came to visit, Ms. Exceptional One!

Always neat to read all the differing views.

Anonymous said...

Because we're immature and/or conservative?

I think it's good that you're teaching your daughter the correct words for body parts. She'll eventually learn the slang anyway and call whatever she wants then.

Anonymous said...

vagina is the ugliest word in the english language
great post.