"You are a happy person," he tells me as we sit and chat.
Happy, yes, I am happy for the most part. But that is not to say that I am happy all the time as I am not. I don't spend a lot of time considering whether or not I am happy; I just know when I am not.
A few summers ago I took a road trip with my parents. As we traveled back across the country, I realized that there is something missing in my life, companionship.
My parents have been married for nearly 40 years. They travel together sometimes and travel separately others. They live their own lives and yet, share a life and a history; they share a common experience. More than anything else, they are there for one another and are friends.
It is "that" which I found myself missing. The companionship; the being there for one another; the friendship.
To date, I am no closer to finding that than I was at the time. I often don't find myself missing it. My life is full, I am busy and content. There are moments when that which I am missing becomes more evident.
Like last night, when I returned from chatting and laughing and flirting to some extent.
Last night that familiar pang hit. I missed having someone to share my life, this holiday weekend, to be around to share my days, my nights, and parts of my life. I knew that it was not going to be this guy with whom I spent the afternoon, but I found myself wondering if it will be any guy?
I am not looking for love in all the wrong places; I am not even looking for love. But the companionship....how do I find that? is it even possible to have such a relationship? Where do I look?
13 comments:
I think you took the first step by admitting you miss it. Now consciously or unconsciously you'll start to look.
Back when he was Sean Puffy Combs, Diddy told Tom Snyder that when he wanted to find someone normal, he'd go grocery shopping Friday and Saturday nights. The people doing the same are most likely single and also probably a better quality than the bar/club scene.
Grrrrr... I said something... and blogger tossed it out with the trash. I wonder if it would have meant something to you?
I know the feeling. I've been divorced a long time and sometimes feel that 'pang'. But I try to focus on being happy and grateful for the good things in my life - my kids, my health, my friends, etc. - and the pang goes away.
Okay. Trying again. I really think that people who still have small children at home (or even older children, for that matter) do not give off the "available" vibe. And rightly so. Because you really are not available. You will be someday. But the natural pheromones (or farrah-moans as my sister calls them) are at a low dose.
It's a very lonely time for a single person. Most of your time devoted to parenting. And time to yourself is spent alone. But really, I don't think you'd welcome the stresses that come with companionship at this time. Best to wait. (Easy for me to say, eh?)
Sorry, blogger went wonkers on me...what I was trying to say was...
It'll come, at its best, when you're open to it. My cousin, and very best friend, has been a single mom for several years now and especially as a young mother she was always so busy with her daughter and everything that comes with motherhood and trying to live an adult life. But eventually, she opened up again. It wasn't easy, and originally she wasn't even looking for it, but in the end her choice to open up and make herself emotionally available was one of the best things she ever did.
The companionship, the friendship - it might even come before the love. I know you'll find it :)
Mike - I admit it and then forget about it until the pang hits again. It seems like a cycle!
TF - Shopping... Have you ever been shopping with an 8 year old energizer bunny that is always fully charged...?
Teri - I have a feeling you are right. It doesn't help me feel better, but I have come to a similar conclusion.
DH - It is nice to know that I am not alone. The pangs come and go - most of the time I love the life that I have.
Emma - Timing. It is always about timing. I have faith that things will happen when the time is right/best for me and the Diva. Nice to see you back!
Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog. I have a feeling Dad's House sent ya.
I agree with the first commenter. Once you realize you need the companionship, it's easier to welcome it back into your life. Right now, I'm still struggling with that "I *CAN* do it all on my own--and you watch me!" mentality that can chew me up and spit me out.
It's out there. And from what I hear, you'll know it the second you find it!!
I have those ‘pang’ moments to and then I remind myself – “I can’t give them the time that they deserve to make it work” – and I focus on what I do have instead of what I don’t. I am confident you will find it…when the time is right. Just like I will. Hang in there and know that you are not alone and that we are all here to hear you and encourage. If nothing else maybe we can all move in together like those “golden girls” did and just keep each other in stitches.
SWM - There is no doubt you can do it on your own - it's a challenge, but there are lots of rewards.
MC - I will know it when I see it? Is there a story you can share that supports your thesis? ;)
Man's Journey - If only those pangs could remember that I don't have the energy to give a relationship all that it needs! (And I love hearing from men who understand that!!)
Post a Comment