Nine years ago I defended my Master's thesis. I stood before a panel of professors and demonstrated my knowledge of the field and my specialty. When it was over, I believe that my life had just begun; my dreams could be fulfilled.
As many people walk through graduation and receive their diplomas and degrees this month, I think of the dreams that they must have. I remember the dreams that I had as I returned to Northern Virginia to start living my life. Education finished, for now, I was ready for anything and everything the world had to offer.
Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. (I wasn't exactly ready for that)
Two weeks later I accepted a job in Nebraska. No one asked me to stay; no one gave me a choice. I believed that the move, the job, would be the best for everyone.
Shortly after that decision, I received the phone calls requesting interviews. Interviews that I had to turn down because, well, my dreams had to wait. Being a single mom and my dream job just didn't work. I didn't want to be a mom who never saw her child. I wanted to be an active part of my daughter's life - as active as I could given that I had to support the two of us.
So I put my dream on hold. I never once believed that I wouldn't find myself living those dreams in the future. I never considered the notion that they wouldn't be my dreams or that they could not be achieved.
Nine years later, ready to start living my dreams, I have been asked to face the reality that those dreams may not be obtainable. They are still my dreams, but given my experience and lack of experience... well, I might not fit into that world anymore; there might not be a place for me.
Dreams... mine were once so clear and concise. I knew exactly what I wanted. I could see myself filling the position, briefing top executives, providing objective thoughts and ideas, and making a difference. I could feel it, touch it smell it. It was, 9 years ago, so very real to me.
I made a choice to be a mom. I made a choice that I wouldn't change for the world. I have NEVER regretted that choice nor do I regret it now.
But my heart hurts. No one ever prepared me for the reality that I couldn't live my dream; that it couldn't be postponed for a few years until my daughter was ready.
What do you do when that dream is no longer within your grasp? How do you come to terms with the reality that, despite all that you want professionally, you have to dream something new and find a new path? My dream hasn't change, but the world in which I find myself has.
I have various choices - find a new dream, seek related but not dream job opportunities, or figure out how to fight to fulfill my dream. I am pursuing these options, but still... today... right now... this week... there is a part of me that just aches for lost dreams.
10 comments:
I wanted to be a pilot. Any kind of pilot. Or a race car driver. (I'm not kidding.) I certainly did NOT want to be married and really really really really really did NOT want children.
I was 20. I found out I was pregnant. The man convinced me to marry him. He needed this. I didn't.
I'm many years down the road from all of that. Like you, I have never regretted for a minute becoming a mother. It was the most important contribution I could make in my life.
Closing in on fifty, I now know that I may never have a career, as careers are defined. I'm sure my parents were disappointed. They knew I could easily have been a lawyer. Going on to becoming a Supreme Court Judge.
But I am very happy in the fact that the people whose lives I affect are much more important to me than the lives I could have changed in those positions.
I gave up on dreams a long time ago. I'm not sure this was a good thing. But it's the way it is for me.
I've learned to be content in whatever state I'm in. And right now, that state is Virginia. :)
Teri - I wonder if it is part of growing up and living life...? I want to have dreams but they are not all as vivid as they once were. Professionally, this has been a dream for so long - it is the last dream to which I cling. It is the only one that involves only me... I wonder if, in a sense, I have out grown it.
Te, I also had big dreams, i was pregnant at 17, a mum at 18.....no education, and did it the way you are doing it, on my ow.
Now i live a life, and have a career that has totally exceded my wildest dreams, and if I hadnt had my child young, and gone through the difficuties i did, i would never had had the strength or confidence to do what I now do...nothing, not a thing, is ever lost.
And there are always opurtunities and second chances.
Dear Girl, I know so well how you feel, and how discouraging it can seem, but PLEASE trust me on this, your life also WILL exceed your wildest dreams, i know this to be true, you are young, there is time.
If you need me, please email me, i may an offer before, and it still stands.
Enigma - It is amazing to see what we go through, accomplish, and endure. Each little part of the journey contributes to the end result - the joyful and the challenging. It is so nice to hear from you again!
Keep your chin up dear, and remember, as little as it sometimes seems in comparasin to other things, you have the welfare of the future generation(and the world) in your hands.
E - And that, in itself, is both overwhelming and encouraging!
I decided to go to college late instead of just right after HS(like I should have) I had a dream of becoming a Web Designer & a Interior Decorator well my dream came to an end not due to having a baby but my mom had a stroke and I was the only one in the same state to take care of her..By the time she was well enough to be on her own & everything I was just too scared to go back & I regret it because of my fear of failing I gave up my dream and now I am 28 & I feel like I am too old...I Hope you are able to fullfill your dreams or at least find something as close to it for everything you have done you deserve it
Lily - Two weeks ago I met a man who is 49 years old and coming close to finishing his BA with plans to move on to his Masters. He works, has his kids part time, and goes to school part time. He never had to chance to go to school when he was younger for various reasons. I want to be one of those people who is fulfilling dreams until the very end.
It is wonderful that you were able to be there for your mom!! Sometimes dreams have to be put on hold - and it is scary to try to fulfill them years later after some of life has been lived. Sometimes it takes more work as well. But, I have a feeling it is worth it!!
The thing about dreams is that they don't have expiration dates. If you want it, go for it. If you don't fit in that world anymore, force it to change shape. If there is not a place there, make one.
“If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.”
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