Fence Sitting

Sunday afternoon I sat with friends catching up on summer plans, schedules, and the last few months happenings. 

 

"I hear you are looking for a new job?" the friend to my left asks. 

 

I hear this question often of late.  I have honed my response, to some extent - I can't change until the fall so, at this point, I am chatting with people, seeing what is out there, and attempting to decided just what it is that I want to do. 

 

I want a change; I need a change.  Finding that new job isn't turning out to be as easy as I thought.  My résumé is simply, how shall I put it, diverse.  It is a hodgepodge of skills and completed projects that don't equal a specific skill or lend themselves to a specific job type. 

 

Sometimes I envy those who have a very clear idea of what they want in life.  My college roommate was a great example.  She wanted to teach; she became a teacher.  She wanted kids; she has 4.  She wanted to live in the town in which we grew up; She lives in said town.  She always knew exactly what she wanted. 

 

Not me.  I am a walking, talking definition of internal conflict. 

 

I want a new job.  I crave and desire the intellectual challenge and the "making a difference" that I dreamt so long ago.  And yet, I realize the benefits of my current position - flexible hours, flexible schedule etc.  I dream about finding something new and more challenging while I consider the number of hours I will have next summer for leave etc.  I can't have it both ways!

 

Personally, things aren't much different. 

 

I want companionship, intimacy, and to build a history and a relationship.  But I don't want a marriage.  I treasure the time I have with my daughter and the relationship that we share; that would change with marriage.  I suppose I want all the benefits of the relationship with a man that comes with marriage, but I do not want to live together.  I want independent lives. 

 

Again, I probably can't have it both ways!

 

Which makes dating pretty funny.  I mean, I like the idea of the date, enjoy the banter and flirtation, and yet, in person I am a bit more distant because... I am not sure that I really want the possibility of a relationship. 

 

Mixed signals. 

 

I send men mixed signals just as I send the universe mixed signals. 

 

I feel as if I am sitting on a fence.  I like the fence; it is a nice place to sit with great views.  One day I think I want to be on one side of the fence while the next... well, the other side looks quite enticing.  Then there are those days when I gaze longingly at one side while my mind plans as if I am living on the other. 

 

I need to get off the fence.  I need to decide what I want!!