I was a teacher's challenge. Yes, I was the student the pulled the grades without putting much effort into the work. Unfortunately, I didn't change through college or graduate school. The grades, to be honest, just didn't matter to me that much. As long as I was learning and getting something out of the classes, everything was fine.
It seems as if the Diva is taking a page out of my book. Earlier this year she came home with a surprising mark in "effort" on her report card. Her effort grade was lower than her ability grade. I quickly explained to her that it wasn't the grade that concerned me but that she was not working up to her potential; she was not applying herself. If she is doing her very best and gets the lower grade, then it is okay. The point is that she needs to be working 100% and doing her very best.
She got it. Her math effort increased, her writing on subjects she didn't like improved, and she started seeing the results of her increased diligence.
Which brings us to yesterday.
Yesterday I had an appointment with her ballet teacher for parent/teacher meetings. Bottom line, the Diva has the ability and has a great memory, but she doesn't... put in the work. She doesn't meet expectations or her effort doesn't match her ability.
I explained that the Diva is an interesting kid. She lacks a sense of competition. Granted, she doesn't like to lose a game or even come in second, but she will perform below her ability in groups in order to make them feel more comfortable. She has done this for years, probably without even knowing she is doing it. She likes equal; she likes people to feel comfortable, and if that means performing at a different level than her own, so be it.
The teacher is, understandably, frustrated. She has a dancer who can dance, has the ability to dance, and yet will not put 100% of herself into it unless in a private lesson or small group. Ballet is something that requires 100% all, the, time! It Doesn't mean that the Diva has to start competing, it means that she has to be her best. Given she wants to dance, she doesn't have much time to figure out how to make this happen.
I left the meeting a bit sad. Sad because, as a parent, I have no idea how to do anything further to help the Diva fulfill her dreams of dancing. She is 8 and yet she has to figure out how to make them happen, now, on her own.
I have heard it said that one of the best things a parent can do for their child is to fulfill their own dreams. If a child sees the parent doing this, then they know that dream fulfillment is possible.
How, pray tell, do I show the Diva how to fulfill her dreams? How do I show her how to put 100% of herself into everything she does and do it all to the best of her ability when I am not doing this myself? How can I serve as that role model when I have consciously chosen to be an active parent over pursuing my professional dreams? When I am not 100% into anything because I am scattered in so many directions keeping the ball rolling and the strings tied?
The Diva has to make choices. She has to make choices at the age of 8 that I didn't make until I was in my 20's (and maybe still have not made). There is nothing I can do to help her beyond attempting to explain the situation, ensuring that she has all the information she needs to make a choice, and supporting her as much as I can. It is hard for me not to be able to make it happen for her; to back off and realize that she has to do it herself.
I love my daughter. I love her nature, her generosity, and her confidence and security in that she can work on various levels so that others are okay. I wouldn't change her for the world. I simply don't want her to look back on her life in 10 years and realize that she had a chance to fulfill a dream and elected not to do so. I don't want her to regret anything. Although I don't have regrets about my life, I never had a dream that required me to work so hard so early.
Of all the ways she could be like me... why did it have to be this one?!
3 comments:
I just don't know what to say, mostly because that is so much me. I am not naturally competitive. I have my moments but if things don't work out, I tend to just move on or blow it off. It must be part of that free-spirit, low-stress side some of us have.
I can't really imagine this from a parent's perspective, but maybe it's just a valley before a peak?
You don't have to show people how to fulfill their dreams. If they are really their dreams, they will find a way. It's the nature of the dream to make us do what it takes to achieve it. Otherwise, it's just a half-hearted fantasy.
This thing she is going through is the part where she is finding out if it really is her dream. She will go through this in stages in her life. As you did. She's not like you, she's like all of us.
In our teens and twenties, we really look at our lives and decide, "Is this really what I want and who I am or is it what my parents (society) want me to be?"
It's important. And you are on the right track with trying to focus on your own dreams and showing her how yours are accomplished.
The balance on the scales is being tipped. A young child is in training. She's getting older, and the scales are tipping in the direction of her character beginning to define her, and your training role is lessening. Gradually. The relationship is beginning to take up the weightier part. This will begin to be your greater challenge. She is going to need you to trust her more and more to know what she wants and to find your support in her choices.
That was me in school. Never put the hard work in since I could get good grades without it. Boy has that changed since I've gotten older.
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