In early July my parents left after spending over 2 weeks with us. While I was breathing a sigh of relief - ah, to have my house and my life back to that which I call "normal," my dad was having a hard time.
He tiered up when he dropped me off for work. Then, to make matters worse, the Diva insisted that "Papa" walk her into day camp.
My dad is not emotional, very sensitive, yes, but not emotional. He doesn't show his emotions at all. His reaction to leaving "his girls" this time was touching and a bit surprising. "You'll be back," I told him on the phone... but for him, there is always that doubt in his mind.
My dad is fighting and winning a battle with aggressive prostate cancer. Diagnosed 5 years ago, he has undergone surgery and radiation without success. He is now dependent upon a shot as often as required to keep a low PSA count. Right now, he gets a shot once every 12 to 18 months. Were he to get one every 6 months, the shots would keep him alive for 10 years, on average. As it is, they should last 20 years - 15 more years on average. He will be 75, which in his family is actually quite old.
Before his biannual PSA checks, my dad becomes a bit more aware of his mortality. His next check is 1 August, which explains a bit of his emotional reaction to the drop offs this year. The check coupled with the recent reading of The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch and a vacation with a few "things you must do and experience " items.. and his emotions are a tad more tender than usual - life is a bit more precious.
Mortality...
But it isn't just mortality that inspires us or which serves as a catalyst. Tom, with ALS, is doing all that he can to see the world and experience things without a wheelchair as long as possible. My parents took action when they learned I could lose my sight - the family traveled to Europe and engaged in numerous activities in order to ensure that I "saw" all that I could. We became a family of experiences over items; exploration and discovery over the material.
I think I took our new family philosophy a bit too seriously (as did my parents who travel by car, a different route each summer cross country). I would much rather give the Diva and my nephews experiences for gifts. This summer, for the first time, this extended to gifts for my parents as well. My dad received an appointment at the Grooming Lounge! Olalla! The whole family did the 4th at the Kennedy Center. We are now looking into a North Sea Cruise. I love it - experience life to the fullest!
As I read Randy Pausch's words, I started considering myself - I am all about giving experiences to others, but what about... me?
Sky diving is definitely something I want to try along with hang gliding. Even driving a tractor sounds like fun - what an experience! I do want to take that cruise through the North Sea just as I want to share my memories of Europe (in Europe) with my daughter and make some new ones along the way. Returning to Australia to see family is a must. These are just simple, off the cuff answers. What is it that I truly want to experience, if anything? It is nice to be open to the possibilities and ready to spend a week on a sailboat when the opportunity arises, but is there something specific I need to work toward experiencing?
For some of my friends, it is parenthood while for others it is marriage. Living abroad is on some lists (including mine for the Diva) while traveling is on others. It is easy to draft a list for the Diva; so many things I would like her to experience before she is an adult and too busy, too strapped for money, or too afraid. It is much harder to generate such a list for myself.
Often we spend our time thinking very little about the fragility of life. We complain, regret, work too hard, and do things that we probably wouldn't do if we knew our days were finite. If we know our days are numbered, do we do things differently? I don't promote living as if life ends tomorrow, but I try to live my life as fully as possible - taking advantage of experiences as they arise and remaining open to the possibilities.
7 comments:
I heard about Randy Pausch last night and showed Sarah part of his video (since she didn't know who he was). I believe we all talk about living like it's the end but no one ever does until faced with their own mortality.
Agreed!
When my father was dying last year, he held nothing but regrets. I was sad for him and it was difficult for me to witness. It did remind me, however, that we do our best with what we have/know at the time and we shouldn't ever regret that! We made that choice at the time for some reason and whether it was a bad reason or not, doesn't matter. Its over now... no need to go back and get yourself sick over it!
I love how you want to experience so much and wish the same for your daughter. She is going to be amazing if she's anything like you!!
Saw this and thought you might enjoy it also: http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_oz_20071022_350/1
Sad to hear about your dad.
Your relationship with your father is so unique, so special. Thank you for sharing that.
Really interesting post. I have lots of friends (and an ex-wife) who try to experience as much in life as possible. Problem is, their day-to-day selves aren't that present. They are disconnected from the now, always thinking about their next trip.
It amazes me that monks in Tibet can sit meditating all day long and find fulfillment. I have nothing against trips and experiences - I've lived on a boat for a week in the British Virgin Islands and consider that one of my best vacations ever.
But my focus these days tends to be more on how I move through each day, how aware I am to the moment, to the experience, and to myself.
I hope you get to do all those things on your list!
Aaron - You both might enjoy his book if you haven't read it. He has a saying about Brick Walls which I really like - something we all realize but the visual he gives is great.
T - Thank you. She is an amazing kid already, in her own right.
We can never go back and do things differently so I think part of our challenge is to come to terms with our past, accept it, learn from it, and live with greater integrity as we move forward.
Thanks for the link!
Mike - My dad is living life fully - his quality of life has changed as he appreciates each day that much more.
Single Mom Seeking - I love my relationship with my dad! He is a great guy. I am glad my daughter has time to know him.
Dad's House - I am always working to appreciate each moment and live as fully as possible. I can't imagine living my life always thinking about what the future holds over enjoying or at least living each day to the extent possible. There is just as much to experience in every day life - sunsets, thunderstorms, the rolling waves, the magic of a single kiss, the feel of my daughter's hand in mine...
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