"We can leave here at 3:45, eat, and I can be home in time for a run." He sat across the table from us seemingly very comfortable in his plan.
"He's very set in his scheduling," I told his wife/my friend with a smile.
"These are options" was the statement from across the table. "We have to have a place from which we can start."
Options. I adore options. They are choices and considerations. They are chances to contemplate and think and decide what tickles my fancy at any given time.
His statement broadened my smile. I have heard this definition of "option" many times. These were not options. At least they weren't options as I understand them to be. I seem to be surrounded by men who make statements and call them "options."
"let's do coffee." I tell a guy friend.
"9:30." he states... this is not a question, this is a statement. In my mind I hear, this is the only time I have to do coffee, 9:30. He says he is actually presenting me with a starting point, an "option". This is a point from which we can launch into a conversation about a time that works best for each.
Is this a guy form of "option?"
When I think of options I think of questions - "Does 9:30 work for you" "Would you like pizza or something else?" "Is there a time you would like to eat, 4:30?"
I would like to say that I simply surround myself with linier thinkers. That the men who set forth a statement and suggest that it is an "option" are simplifying things; that they are linier or time oriented or scheduled above and beyond the average person. But they aren't. These are men that bend their minds in so many different directions. One of them is a professor of strategy; someone who deals with options and perspectives and mental flexibility... and yet, to him, a statement is an option. He doesn't have to "present the other options that are on the table" nor does he use a question mark to suggest that he is open to other options...but they are there all the same.
I am usually quite easy going. I appreciate and respect the schedules of others so, if they express a desired time or food preference, I am okay with it. Unless I have a strong opinion otherwise, in such matters, I am not going to push back and explore those "options" whether they are there or not. But, and this is a big but, there are times when I want a voice in the matter. I don't want to be faced with a plan and then told... "I was giving you options."
Like my birthday.
My birthday is quickly approaching. I intend to take the day off, to spend time doing things I want to do, to relax or have fun or whatever. Then, someone decided that we were doing lunch. Ah, okay, I suppose. But it really wasn't okay. I would rather do dinner. Honestly, I would just rather have been asked "What do you want to do for your birthday?" but that didn't happen. Instead I was presented one of these "options" in statement form.
It is the birthday incident, followed by the dinner incident, that brings me to this post. Do men and women honestly communicate "options" differently? One of the aforementioned men read this and says that I am crazy, but we shall see if you all think I am crazy.
I think that I like options to be questions. I like options that invite others to add or offer other options. I like knowing that a plan is mutually determined rather than being unilaterally decided.
When I go to a war room meeting, I want everyone to state all the options on the table rather than have one person say "nuclear weapons" meaning it to be an option but, given it is said in statement form, is considered to be the answer.
Am I crazy? Am I missing something?
5 comments:
Wow. I never thought of it this way before. I'm with you. I make so many decisions on a daily basis as a single parent that sometimes its just nice for someone else to decide. All you're doing is pointing out yet another way that men and women miscommunicate. They think we're crazy and we think they're crazy. We are both simply different and have to learn to appreciate our differing mind patterns if we are to communicate to each other more clearly.
I think it totally depends on the situation. For your birthday - they definitely should have asked what you want to do. For a start time, sure, ask what works best.
But there are occasions where it's nice if the man just takes charge and says "let's do this." Not all the time, of course, but sometimes. For instance, you enter a restaurant and there's a wait, and the man says "let's get a drink at the bar." Isn't that better than him making you decide?
Women don't like wishy-washy men!
Oh I hate being told what to do. It's a sure fire way to get me to do the opposite. Options are much better than statements. I'd never really given it much thought until I read this post.
Maybe I don't understand. Depending on the circumstances, where there is an option as to who, what, where, when, I'll lay out my choices for what should happen or ask the others involved what they want. I do the former more often in a business context and the latter more often in a social context, even then I'll often state my preference - I'm not sure inflection always conveys that it is as you say a starting point.
T - It is all in tone I think. These guys honestly believe that they are stating a starting point for negotiations. They don't see that it sounds as if they are stating when said event will happen.
DH - Ah, now, I would let you be in charge any time! ;)
There is a time and a place for the man to have the lead just as the same is true for a woman. I like men who know their mind and aren't afraid to lead - but I also like knowing that my thoughts are welcome.
Broomhilda - Welcome... thanks for all the comments. Reverse psychology seems to be the way to work with you!! ;)
Dave - perhaps these men have a difficult time changing tones between work and social events? Most of the time I find it funny and am quite comfortable calling them on it. Sometimes though, perhaps we, as communicaters, forget the importance of tone.
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