06 November, 2008

Where to Find an Objective Assessment?

The conversations I have with men are enlightening.  I have no idea how we get from one topic to the next – most often, I am there for the ride. 


This conversation is a perfect example.  It started off on a political vent – not the election but American government, freedoms, and the Western world in general.  It ended with a conversation about a story about a man visiting a lady of the evening and then asking her to fill out a questionnaire regarding his performance. 




Usually I roll with the punches.  The man with whom I was speaking went right on talking about women, the lack of creative appetites post child bearing, and a man’s need to find that creative outlet somewhere.  He also chatted further about power plays within the sexual relationship and the role of honesty (which I suggested was possible and he contended is not) But I kept on returning to this idea of a questionnaire…




As the man pointed out, the lady of the evening had nothing at stake.  She had her money, had fulfilled the terms of the contract, and had no emotional ties to this man.  Therefore, who better to give the man a review?  He could then take what he learned and improve his techniques.


The conversation was interesting for so many reasons – the role of honesty, the need for creativity, power within the relationship… but it is this idea of the questionnaire that grabbed my attention.  It was concrete; black and white.  It was something about which I had never heard.  I mean, we all want to know where we can improve for ourselves and our partners… but a questionnaire…?


I like to think that a questionnaire is not necessary.  That a couple can honestly speak of such things with one another without fear of hurting the other.  I can say, “um, you know that thing you were just doing… let’s not do that again.”   Or he can say “That was a tad rougher than I like, but I love what you do with your palm.


But does it actually work like that?  I am all about honesty and communication and yet, I am not so willing to openly discuss such things with a partner unless I know him very well.  And, to be frank (because in such matters, there is no other way to be) after a man told me that men will say anything to get laid, I am not sure that I fully believe that things I am hearing regarding my own performance. 


SO the answer… a questionnaire and an objective, non emotionally connected partner. 


I wonder if there is anyone else who has done this besides this man in Texas?  I wonder if women do it? 


I wonder… oh so many things.  But how nice would it be to have that objective assessment!


cathouse teri said...

Criticism has no place in the bedroom. In fact, I'm not sure it has a place anywhere except the movie theater.

Scotty said...

Can you really expect an objective assessment though?

I mean, what if (during the questionnaire) she says she didn't like something... when another woman he has been with has loved it?

Different people like different things, so I don't think you can expect blanket answers that would please everyone.

dadshouse said...

I think the questionaire is kind of weird, but who am I to judge this particular guy?

I also don't think talking about sexual performance is necessary or even desirable. It's far better to let your partner know during the act how it's going by your movements, noises, reactions, etc. Two partners in tune with each other's bodies will read the signs and adjust their technique accordingly. Why verbalize it after the fact?

let me get you a questionaire to answer that question

mama llama said...

That is funny to read today, TE. On ABC news the other night (meaning, like, two nights ago) they were talking about the difficulty of singles finding a partner in our particular metropolitan area. A dating expert was reporting that we live in the toughest market that he had ever experienced because of the high standards and the, yes, "lists" of requirements and preset standards that are so prevalent here among singles. Nobody gets into it for love; they are looking for financial arrangements, work security...the list is long, but romance and love are very, very low on most lists, he has observed.

His advice? Let GO of the lists and try to enjoy the person you are meeting for who they are--only that way are they going to be able to see if they can jive.

Does he see this happening anytime in the near future around here? The message I got was, when Hell freezes over. But he hopes that, as a general rule and not an exception to the rule, it doesn't spread.

I'll be testing Hell with my toes. I'll let you know when we can go out to skate.

Be well, TE.

T said...

Hmmmm.... very interesting. I agree with Scotty. Everyone has different tastes (believe me!) so it would be a matter of what that one person liked. I'm all about being vocal with my needs. If only we could all be that way.

justrun said...

There are cases when analysis should be short lived and people should rely on trial (and perhaps error) instead. I think this is one of them.

TAG said...

Weird. Just plain weird.

As for getting an objective opinion, this won't work. With a "professional" the act is all about business. There is nothing about a questionnaire that would motivate the woman to be honest. In fact, I think there would be a powerful incentive to lie.

The woman should tell your friend he is the best ever. With this approach, she might develop an on going business relationship. If she tells him he is terrible, it almost certainly means no repeat business.

Also, the motivation for the woman in a consensual relationship is completely different than with a business relationship. Your friend needs to forget about over analyzing everything in his life.

Yes, only an over analyzer would be this anal. I bet he is an engineer.


Lad Litter said...

Too much analysis spoils the moment, don't you think? A question of balance. It's good to be honest and open but not all of the time.

harassedmomsramblings said...


That is just weird! I have never been asked how someone performed and have never asked someone?

Not to say there havent been talks about what we would prefer, enjoy etc - there have been those but never a "sorry babes that was a 3/10"

Its weird!

The Exception said...

What interesting thoughts.

Teri - So tru, criticism isn't required.

DH - No conversations? How do you know that the woman is not faking it?

I found the idea quite interesting and left out that the man in question is from Europe, perhaps it matters? I didn' thtink that it did.

I do think conversations about sex between a couple are important - it is an intimacy and a chance for honesty. I know couples that don't discuss sex and, surprise, they don't have it. But not criticism... nice and honest conversations!