13 November, 2008

You Can't Handle the Truth

You can’t handle the truth states one of the lines from A Few Good Men.  I wonder how true to life this line might be. 


In our every day lives, do we really want the truth?  I mean the whole truth and nothing but the truth? 


In my house, honesty reigns supreme.  The Diva knows that a lie, no matter how big or small, will result in something she doesn’t like.  Right now that is scooping the litter box, which I feel is fitting.  I may not like the truth, but I will always dislike the lie.  Fortunately, she doesn’t do it often – meaning I do most of the scooping!


I can’t imagine a situation where I would prefer a lie over the truth; where I would choose dishonesty over honesty. 


There are things I have learned in the past that give me pause, would it be better not to know?  Would my life be happier without this information?  The answer, no.  I like information.  I like facts.  I like most of all, to know where I stand and how the pieces fit together.  I am not naive enough to believe that I have all the pieces, but in many things, I have a good idea of the overall picture. 


But not everyone wants to know. 


Where I believe that honesty is necessary and desired others feel that it is best to let sleeping dogs lie.  If they don’t know, they don’t have to deal.  What they don’t know won’t hurt them.  And yet, it is what they don’t know, in my opinion that does hurt them. 


In my relationships with men I strive for honesty.  I might not like stating or hearing the truth but I much prefer it to the lie or the omission.  The idea of a partner having sex with another doesn’t faze me to the extent that he not telling me or hiding it does.  That is the betrayal – the disrespect and the dishonesty.  If we can’t talk about everything openly and honestly, then can we talk about anything really? 


My Eastern European friend contends that women, in general, don’t want to know.  They realize, at some level, that men are sexual.  They know that they aren’t engaging in sex themselves for whatever reason or that the sex life has changed, but they don’t want to look at what is happening.  Turn a blind eye – pretend that the man doesn’t need sex anymore either (or want it); pretend that he is satisfied with a decrease in variety, intimacy, and supply.  They don’t want to talk about it.  It is better to pretend than to have an open and honest conversation. 


I have a hard time believing this to be the case.  And yet, I know men and women who have kids and then just stop having sex.  Or they have a very different sex life than the one they had previously – perhaps satisfying, perhaps not (to either party).  Do these couples talk about what is happening in their marital bed…? No. 


We are adults.  Our behavior is controllable.  As adults we choose what we do and don’t do; we choose our communication patterns and topics.  Thus, there are some who choose not to talk about sex. 


For some, perhaps many, this is the relationship and communication with their partner that works.  It is what they desire.  In no way am I saying that there is a right or wrong way of doing things.  But for me… I can’t imagine this kind of situation. 


Having had the rug pulled out from under me in college by a friend who preferred to deceive over telling me the truth – I choose the other.  I can handle the truth.  You want to sleep with someone else, fine… just tell me that it is what you want so I am not blind sided later.  There are issues that bother you – let’s talk about them.  Let’s get them out in the open so that we can make sure that everyone is in the same book if not on the same page. 


Honesty is hard.  Sometimes it is hard to say; sometimes it is hard to hear.  It can be so much easier to lie to protect the feelings of another or to make them happy.  For me, in my life, it doesn’t work that way.  Honesty works.  The truth sets me free!




T said...

I can't even begin to tell you how appropriate this post is to what I'm going through with Soldier. I called him out on a few things yesterday in an email and he.... chose to respond with continued lies.

I've always said, and I've always told him...

You can tell me ANYTHING as long as its the truth.

Apparently, some men don't believe me. Its very disappointing...

mama llama said...

Good post and a hard one to digest. I lived a lie for many years and although I continue to live one (as you well know) I have made huge steps to not have to continue the "happy marriage" facade any longer. Lies can destroy us from the inside out, and my breakdown was a direct result of lying to myself.

Be well, TE.

dadshouse said...

The truth is always better. But sometimes, an individual has to accept the truth inside themselves and get on with their life in a new direction.

Mike said...

I like the truth. If you don't give it how can you expect the other person to react in an appropriate manner. Personally I may not be happy about what I hear, but I'm happy to hear it.

searchingwithin said...

Secrets and lies within a relationship builds walls, and a relationship is about taking down the walls.

Truth and honesty is about freedom of choice. Dis-honesty is about disrespect, and robbing the other party of that freedom.

Wonderful post.
~Best Wishes~