07 May, 2009

Passion Transference

Our mission in life is to eat, drink, and be merry…


It is to… procreate!

That’s right.  We are human beings and our jobs are to continue the human race via procreation. 

This is not something that we, in general, mind doing.  It is both enjoyable and it requires creativity and energy and is a wonderful way to spend  our time. 

Even if we don’t “love” it (and yes T, there are people out there who don’t love it -  ;)  ) we happily engage and do our part to get the job done.  The human race must flourish; we will each do our part. 

(And this is not a post about all those who are not looking to procreate but who are enjoying the practice… )

What happens after we procreate though?  What happens after those kids are born and our job has moved from procreation to shuttle service, PTA member, and “mom?”

I have heard, infrequently, that moms stop  having sex.  Okay, I have heard that some totally stop while others just slow down.  I mean, they have kids now and everything so… what’s the point!

(There are lots of reasons to maintain an active sex life in a marriage, which is another post perhaps, but that is not what this one is about either)

The change in the sex life of women after they become “mom” intrigues me.  Why do women slow down or stop engaging completely?

Do they stop feeling attraction for their spouse?

Are they simply tired and have too much going on in their heads so sex is not a priority?

I am sure that the reasons are vast and varied, but one suggestion caught my attention. 

The author of “Bad Mother” suggested, in an interview, that mothers transfer their passion and love from their husbands to their children.  In doing this, they move from sexual being into loving mother very involved in her kids lives. 

I had never considered this as an explanation .  I have observed that parents, both moms and dads, center their lives largely around their kids at an increasing rate.  No longer is the family unit the center… and the marriage the center of that family unit.  Weekends are spent running this kid to that activity and this kid to that activity.  One family, with three kids, requires three adults to ensure that everyone gets where they need to go.  They don’t have family time; they don’t spend time together. 

Or the man works killer hours.

Or the woman works killer hours. 

The energy that used to go into the marriage and the intimacy and the passion is transferred to something else. 

This intrigues me.  As a single parent, I understand what it is to funnel my energy into my daughter and her schedule – supporting her where possible.  As a working professional, I understand the hours that are required to be successful in the US during this period of time.  All that aside, I do not understand how physical intimacy  is pushed aside?

There are nights (and they aren’t so infrequent) when after my daughter is asleep and I am in a quiet house, I crave  adult companionship. 

I love my daughter; I love giving her all that I can; but, I also am very well aware that there is nothing like the unit and companionship that is built between a man and  me.  That adult time, that honesty, and… intimacy…

Do women really understand what they are missing?  Do men?

Then again, I am not married so perhaps I know not what I speak.  Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic from a different generation who simply believes in the importance of physical intimacy and that there is nothing that replaces it.


justrun said...

I definitely agree. I know there are people that say they don't need or like it, but I'm not one of them. Never will be.

dadshouse said...

My ex transferred her love for me to our first born. It sucked for me!

btw - the Dalai Lama says the purpose of life isn't to procreate, it's to be happy... Nice philosophy!