He walked into my office and took a seat. This man, whom I have known for several years now, is an amazing dad. He reminds me much of Crazy Computer Dad in all that he has done and is doing for his son. He is also quite the ladies man… style, humor, education. I have yet to know him when he is not involved with a woman.
And he knows what he wants… a friend and a lover. “Is that too much to expect?” he asked.
We all want different things from relationships; have different ideas of what a relationship includes and how to express love or what love means. I suppose that the trick is to not only find the chemistry and the spark with someone, but also to find that person with whom our ideas coincide.
He wants a friend and a partner. He needs the emotional intimacy as well as the conversation, the friendship, and the companionship. That is what he seeks.
It isn’t too much to expect because it is what he wants to find. He knows that it is what he wants in a relationship. He is not saying that she has to look this way or be this type or that type… just that they need to be friends and emotionally intimate. He is willing to take that risk – to give of himself – and wants that in return. This is where he is – willing to love someone who doesn’t want to share that deepest and darkest part of herself… and she doesn’t understand why she needs to or why he would want her to.
It is the risk – the risk of giving yourself to another or of sharing your self with another that is too much for some to do.
I know women who will share their deepest and darkest secrets near the beginning of a relationship in an attempt to see just how serious the guy is: If he can handle” this” then it has a chance. If I can share “this” and he still loves me… then it might work. Self sabotage? A means of getting rid of the guy before we are in too deep? A desire to be loved for all of who we are rather than just the stuff that we love about ourselves?
Then there are those who choose not to share – those who keep even those they love at a distance because… there is no way someone can love me if they know…
The risk is too great to share ourselves – to take that chance that the part of ourselves that we don’t love could be loved by another or to believe that someone might love us even if we are different than the “norm” or the expectations of our lover or society. It is difficult to put such things in light and maybe learn to love ourselves fully… even the darkest and deepest secrets. Yet, without opening ourselves and trusting another, we risk not knowing love or intimacy or joy.
Those things, I believe, are worth the risk!