13 October, 2009

He stood in front of me as he took the object from my hands.  We didn’t look at one another; we didn’t truly speak.  I could smell the stress circling around his body – the smell more intense than at any time in the past.

Moments later I heard him laugh, more forced than natural. 

This man, once my friend, now sees me as his enemy.  This man, once my lover, is now a stranger. 

As I sat and pondered this drastic change in him, I found myself remembering the man that I knew.  The man who enriched my life and filled it with more laughter and music and experiences than I could begin to express in words. 

I wonder what happened to him?

I wonder if I have changed so much –

Or have either of us truly changed at all?

I find myself wondering if I ever truly knew him or whether or not the man that I see before me now is the authentic man?

Who is he?  What happened to the man with whom I explored love?  From the outside looking in, I don’t see him anymore.  From what I hear him say, I wonder if he ever truly understood love as it was shared or given?

I wonder….

The world has turned on its axis.  Our lives will never be isolated from one another; we are joined  whether he likes it or not.  We have to come to terms with that relationship; we have to figure out how to come to terms with the people that we are, the people we are choosing to be and the lives we are choosing to live. 

And I find that I love him.  I find that I believe in him still. 

I do not know that person that he is today or if that smell permeating his skin is still one of stress or whether it is now one of bliss.  I don’t know his dreams or his ideas or his delights anymore as he doesn’t know mine.   

Yet I love him.

It is one of those inexplicable emotions that is not about location or actions or intimacies.  It is about the continual recognition of a person who lives, breathes, shares a part of my life and my heart.  It is the love that is about accepting.  It is about watching someone from a distance and sending them compassion.  The love that is about shared memories, and it is the hope that whatever lies ahead will be all that is desired. 

It is one of those loves that is more about letting go than holding on… and acting from that love entails surrendering over controlling and living the moments as they unfold over planning the future.


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