26 January, 2010


I find myself at a crossroads without any clear idea as to which is the road I will take.  Being the pragmatist, I can see benefits down both paths.  Being one who prefers to use love as the motivation behind decisions… well, love backs any decision I make at this junction; love lights all ways forward.  I turn to my intuition and find… nothing.  My spider sense is silent.  No tingles, no gut quietly urging me to take one direction over another.  I find myself at this junction waiting… waiting for something to happen and show me the way.  

This is not a position in which I have found myself often or ever in my memory.  Throughout my past, I have seen the opportunities and taken them without any idea as to how or where I would find myself later.  Life was and is a journey… and I am more than happy to jump on the bus or take the side road or clamber over rocks and through tree branches to follow the path less traveled.  

I find myself wishing for a more black and white perspective of life.  How much easier it could and would be if I could just see things as being either right or wrong.  

Or maybe if I could strip out emotion and become a linier thinker.  Emotions aside, cold, calculating logic in control… which direction would I choose?

I am not either of those people.  I can pretend to be black and white for a while but it doesn’t last very long as the shades of gray that color life creep in to view and make themselves comfortable in my thoughts.  I would love to strip out emotion and think clinically and logically as I am asked to do professionally; but, this is not my profession.  It is my life.  Even when I do this professionally, my sense of justice creeps in to the picture forcing more gray into the picture.  

I am at a crossroads.  

I am sitting with questions that seem to have lots of answers none of which feels better than the others.  

I contemplate, I talk, and I seek the opinions and perspectives of others.  I see their different points of view and yet, though many of them mirror my own, I am still torn.  

Perhaps this is one of the times in my life when I am to sit.  To ask the question and then let it go.  The answers will come and the path will show itself…


So I am working on it.  I am working on living my life while sitting at this junction – making myself as cozy and comfortable as possible.  I picture it as a sort of homey rest stop with cozy chairs and lots of great books.  Perhaps it is  a place with lots of windows through which I can see all the wonders and opportunities as they stretch in the varying directions.  When it is time to pack my bags and travel, I will know which direction to take.  Until then, I have to become friendly with this place and learn to live with and in the questions.  

After all, I have to remember that sometimes the best choice is no choice at all; sometimes my best friend is time and letting go.


Shani said...

I hate crossroads. I just like things to go...but here I am, three YEARS into this crossroads and look how much progress I've made, so I should NOT speak.

I'm so sorry, TE. If it weren't for all these teacher workdays coming up...we WILL get our time in together soon.

Hugs. Be well, TE.

dadshouse said...

The answers will come and the path will show itself, indeed. And waiting for that moment can be hard.