I find myself at a crossroads without any clear idea as to which is the road I will take. Being the pragmatist, I can see benefits down both paths. Being one who prefers to use love as the motivation behind decisions… well, love backs any decision I make at this junction; love lights all ways forward. I turn to my intuition and find… nothing. My spider sense is silent. No tingles, no gut quietly urging me to take one direction over another. I find myself at this junction waiting… waiting for something to happen and show me the way.
This is not a position in which I have found myself often or ever in my memory. Throughout my past, I have seen the opportunities and taken them without any idea as to how or where I would find myself later. Life was and is a journey… and I am more than happy to jump on the bus or take the side road or clamber over rocks and through tree branches to follow the path less traveled.
I find myself wishing for a more black and white perspective of life. How much easier it could and would be if I could just see things as being either right or wrong.
Or maybe if I could strip out emotion and become a linier thinker. Emotions aside, cold, calculating logic in control… which direction would I choose?
I am not either of those people. I can pretend to be black and white for a while but it doesn’t last very long as the shades of gray that color life creep in to view and make themselves comfortable in my thoughts. I would love to strip out emotion and think clinically and logically as I am asked to do professionally; but, this is not my profession. It is my life. Even when I do this professionally, my sense of justice creeps in to the picture forcing more gray into the picture.
I am at a crossroads.
I am sitting with questions that seem to have lots of answers none of which feels better than the others.
I contemplate, I talk, and I seek the opinions and perspectives of others. I see their different points of view and yet, though many of them mirror my own, I am still torn.
Perhaps this is one of the times in my life when I am to sit. To ask the question and then let it go. The answers will come and the path will show itself…
So I am working on it. I am working on living my life while sitting at this junction – making myself as cozy and comfortable as possible. I picture it as a sort of homey rest stop with cozy chairs and lots of great books. Perhaps it is a place with lots of windows through which I can see all the wonders and opportunities as they stretch in the varying directions. When it is time to pack my bags and travel, I will know which direction to take. Until then, I have to become friendly with this place and learn to live with and in the questions.
After all, I have to remember that sometimes the best choice is no choice at all; sometimes my best friend is time and letting go.