There are times I want to find a way to write the letter – the letter of the words that I might never voice or the thoughts that were never expressed due to an unforeseen ending. I want to have a last word though I realize that my last word may go unseen, unread, or unnoted. But I need to write it. I need to say what needs to be said. I need to write it out and let it go – washed away in the ocean or to float away on the wind. I need to let it go to be lost somewhere in the sands of time.
I rarely write the letter. Despite the need to put everything on paper and send it… let it go… leave it to another… I rarely take the time to sit and write the letter.
There is something final about the words that must go on the paper and the emotions that flow from pen to paper. The conclusion is something that I feel in my heart but can not find the will to accept permanently. The door must be closed or taken off its hinges in order for a new door to be installed thereby signifying the changing relationship and the different people that must exist within that relationship.
Bewilderment, confusion, and sorrow stand at the threshold. I want to recognize the person before me, back turned to me, walking away. I want to reach out and find a similarity between that person and the one who held my hand and shared my confidences and my laughter and my tears. How did that person transform into this one? How did we travel from dreams and emotions and passions to controversies, anger, and superficiality that depends on a closed heart and a hidden personality?
I think about the letter that I want to write and the emotions I want to share. I think of all the feelings that press against the walls of my heart. Perhaps I have not written the letter because, like you, I am no longer one who can easily express myself? Or perhaps it is because I realize that such an expression, such an investment of love and trust is not worth the time or energy.? It doesn’t matter.; such a letter and such an expression are irrelevant.
Because the reality is different than it was before and we are not the people we once were. The person that I am is probably as unrecognizable to you today as the person that you are to me. Gone is the dreamer. Gone is the person within and the strengths and passions and ambitions that I believed you to be. Perhaps he is there, somewhere, hiding in the dark and the confines of your heart or… perhaps he never existed outside my heart and mind. Perhaps the man before me now is the man that always existed – and I never saw you for the you but you for who I believed you could be.
Such a letter would suggest that there has been an ending to something that hasn’t ended. Such a letter would indicate a door closed when the relationship is not closed but transformed.
I can let it go to be what it is going to be. I can look to tomorrow. I can find strength and laughter and joy in today celebrating my own freedom and liberation. I can celebrate my passions and creativity. I can remember with love the person that I knew and the times we shared. In my heart I can love you in ways that you will not realize or understand, and I can have the last word, a word that will reflect all that you are to me and all that I have felt, we have shared, and all that I believe to be true.