I feel like I am a juggler sometimes, the plates spinning haphazardly above my head as I work to keep them moving. If this falls, then do they all fall? If I move this way, does something awful happen with plates cracking and turning into shards of china on the ground around me?
Other times I feel as though I am a supporting character in the theater that is revolving around me. I am here, I have a part – and not an insignificant role at that – but it is one that is about support and presence over overt action and earth shaking decisions. IN this role I am sometimes at the center – the hub of the wheel that supports all the spokes while at other times I feel like the rim of the wheel, providing support and stability while doing what is required.
I feel as if there is much going on around me and I have a real role in very little of it.
I could make choices that are aggressive and demanding and end up creating an antagonistic environment.
I can choose the path of least resistance, accepting that the best is the best and moving forward.
Regardless of what action I take or the support I give, I feel more a spectator than a participant at times. I provide the hugs, the conversation, the communication. I am the rock that lends itself to stability. I am terra firma while my daughter bridges the land between reality and denial. I am the hand that will grab her should she ever find that bridge coming apart. I am the embrace that holds her when the denial becomes to much.
While I am steal in so many ways, there are times I am copper, serving as the conduit between the actions of adults and the maturity of my child.
There are times when I wonder if my purpose in life is to parent this child – to hold her hand as she walks this tight rope that is the life that she and others have created - that high wire chosen by her parents that is one of many threads that form her life.
At no other time in my adult life have I so understood the statement “I am here” with all the strength and belief in myself. Yet, I am knowingly standing in the wings, serving as a supporting character over the star of the show.