I have various memories over the last few years of this question running through my head “Is this all there is?” and sighing. Living a stagnate life was never what I imagined for myself and yet that stagnate life was the one I found myself living, in part. I don’t kid myself in thinking that I didn’t know what needed to change – I knew. I knew what I wanted and what I needed to do. Yet, as often happens in life, I had reasons for not making the change. I pulled away to the extent that I could; I found other means of expressing myself; and I built communities to round out the rest of my life… but I still found myself, every few months, restless with the full understanding that I wanted different. I knew that there was more and that there is more. It was just a matter of coming to terms with the impact of my choices, were I to make them. Coming to terms with the reality that love doesn’t mean being together as much as it means accepting and letting go.
As it would come to pass – I didn’t have to make the choice to leave. I had to make the choice to fully embrace love being about accepting and letting go and forgiving.
I have not taken the time to consider “what if” as in what if I had made the move one of the many times I said enough was enough. What if I had made the choice given that I understood that there was more and is more and that I wanted more? I had reasons for not making the choices and the changes – and I didn’t make the choices or the changes. Yet would it have been easier for everyone had I taken the bull by the horns and done it?
It is fruitless to take that “what if” path as the choices I made are those I made – the choices to change fell to another.
The irony, I haven’t looked back.
I dislike greatly what my daughter has experienced – the grief, the loss, and the anger.
Yet, for her and for me, I celebrate the change because - there is so very much more out there for both of us than the life we were living. The opportunities we have to learn, to grow, and to experience life are too numerous to count.
“I want to be content with what I have.” Was the sentiment expressed. Quite a reversal for this friend who used to dream and want better and more. But I know how he feels. How many years did I spend wanting to be content with what I had? What was missing really as I was content… content and very aware that there was more to be experienced, to be lived, and to be shared! It is one thing to be content with one’s life – I suppose that is a comfortable place for some especially if what they have is something they didn’t find to be a happy life before… But for me… perhaps contentment comes with not what I have today exactly but the person I am today and the life that stretches before me? Perhaps contentment is the realization that I am living as fully as possible – that I am dreaming again and creating, and open to the experiences and opportunities that come my way.
As I sit writing this, I have to admit that I have no idea what the future holds. I don’t ask “Is this all there is” because I know that every minute of every day offers something new and different even if that is just a change in the way I wear my hair or the person to whom I talk on the phone or an article I read that leaves me pondering. My life is more about love than ever, and that is a fabulous feeling in itself. No longer are there areas of stagnation. It might not be smooth sailing ahead, but the waters are moving!
It is one thing for people to realize that there is more – that there life could be different. It is another to take the jump and to say – not only could it be different, but I am going to see how and what can be accomplished or experienced. And when there are kids involved… the choices are more challenging as not only are we changing our own lives, but we are potentially changing theirs in big or small ways.
The process starts with the realization that there is more or there might be more… and once that realization is there, it doesn’t like to be denied.
I didn’t take the jump, but once pushed – I have to admit I feel grateful.
I am more myself than I have been in a few years – I am one person instead of two (one fully living and one part stagnate)
I no longer see the obstacles as much as I see the possibilities…
What else is out there? What experience can I try next? How will my life unfold? What does this person or that trip or the man over there or the friend over here or the woman or the child or the world at large have to teach me today??
“Is this all there is?”
The answer – No! Let go, open your heart, silence the worries and the fears, listen to yourself and… trust…
There is much more – endless opportunities await when you are ready for them!