I grew up with these words.
Everything is “fine.”
It occurred to me, after hearing them for the millionth time a few days ago, that why does it have to be “fine?”
Things aren’t always fine. Sometimes they are less than fine. Sometimes they are so beyond fine that there is no word to describe them.
As my daughter and I stood, both in tears, on Saturday, I heard her say her own “It’s fine” in the form of “It’s okay.”
I turned to her and said, no, it isn’t okay… it just is. It hurts and it is hard and it is challenging… and it isn’t not okay and it isn’t okay, it just is.
Somewhere in the past few weeks I have started to wonder if we use words like okay and fine to remove ourselves from the feelings that we are experience.
Sure, it will work out and things will be “okay” or “fine” if we want to use those words… but why not just say that right now, at this moment, I feel…?
While I stood there with my daughter, she felt frustrated; I felt frustrated; she felt let down and sad; and I felt sorrow and a sense of complete helplessness… and that was how we felt. Those feelings are okay; they are just as real as everything else around us at that moment… and to gloss over them or not allow them; to hide them behind words like fine or okay…
They are what they are
It is what it is
I have had years of experience using logic to attempt to understand my emotional response. Applying rationale and empathy or compassion are wonderful tools that I have employed to deal with them. My guess is that I am not alone in this. One of my dearest friends is a master at it as well. We explain away the feelings which is not exactly denying them but it isn’t exactly allowing and accepting them either.
And I caught myself doing the same with my daughter – helping her rationalize and use logic to come to terms with a situation over allowing her to feel the emotions and sit with them.
We are learning; I am learning. Life is a work in progress.
It is what it is – the feelings the mental gymnastics, the attempts to figure it all out and to have answers or create them when we don’t. It is learning and learning and learning again to sit and “be” over doing everything possible to fill our lives with “doing.”