09 April, 2007

Crushing the Crush

I have decided that my “crush” is pretty much over... I think! I experienced my first adult crush while in graduate school. He was older, already a professional, and completely unavailable. That said, we ended up in a relationship and sharing a child. Who would have guessed. That was ten years ago (the crush part) thus, when I determined that I was in the midst of a crush earlier this year, I was a bit stunned, shocked, flabbergasted... etc. I am, after all, in my mid-thirties and too “mature” for such things. Obviously not!

There is something interesting and overwhelming about a crush. It is exciting and yet, a bit unsettling. For me, I question how much of the “crush” was about the idea of this person over his actuality? Not to mention, how much of a crush is about what we imagine over the real person? I ended up getting myself all worked up over... what I perceived to be a great guy with a life much more exciting than that which I currently live. Perhaps that was the draw; the excitement that he offered.

The challenge in getting over this crush has been in the way it ended, didn’t end, didn’t begin... whatever. The contradiction in his behavior threw me (has thrown me; continues to puzzle me) for a loop. I am attempting to chalk it all up to bad timing... I am crushing the crush... or am I?

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