I am two different people, but most of the time I think I am caught somewhere between the two different worlds. Most of my time is spent in very casual clothes, pony tail, and in a world in which my name is only “mom.” My brain is all about dinner, schedules, homework, bedtime, and the little “discussions” that occur between a single parent and an elementary aged child.
For a few hours a day, I change from my mom uniform to heals, dresses, hose, and great hair. I become a professional solving problems, managing projects, and working with other adults to get the job done. I think that my life is simpler during these few hours, though I am never fully removed from my “mom” job. The phone could ring at anytime demanding my return to the world where there are very few answers, lots of challenges, and I am continually doing what I can to be the best I can be and NOT screw up my child too much.
The change in my appearance reflects the change in my jobs. It is drastic to the point that I am not sure that people who see me in one job quickly recognize me when I am wearing the uniform of the other.
There is one role missing from my life and very much missed. It is that of woman. As “mom” my sexuality is largely lost in the mixed up mayhem of raising my child and getting where we need to be when we need to be there. As a “professional” my femininity is not hidden but disregarded simply because it does not belong in the corporate world. I am not one of those women who dresses down her femininity; but I am one who does not use it in the work place. My body is simply a part of who I am. I miss being able to be a woman... flirtatious, playful, passionate. I miss the adult time shared with a man... whether it be just hanging out; exploring this or that destination; engaged in a discussion on any number of topics; and involved in intimacy only shared by two adults. I would like to think that there is room for this “woman” in the midst of my life, but I am not sure as I have yet to find much time or space to give her. Dr. Professional and Ms. Mom require more time and energy than I can spare.