"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
This is what my friend Rita's dad told her when she informed him she was moving to the other side of the country to live with her boyfriend three years ago.
Of course, she threw back - she is a good daughter don't you know - that you don't buy a car before you test drive it.
She is now happily married to the guy with whom she lived.
Living together is becoming more common in the US though I don't know that we are close to meeting the numbers of cohabitating couples seen in Northern Europe. A friend of mine in Sweden is about to have her second child with her boy friend - they have no plans to marry, and this is not an unusual relationship there.
The idea of marriage seems to be a part of growing up American. Despite the increasing numbers of men and women choosing to stay single longer, marriage continues to be the expected outcome of a long term relationship. Children are born into marriages. Society likes the "ideal" happy ending. My family likes "that" happy ending too.
My traditional, very American, family... I am the black sheep!
Marriage, in my family, is an institution. It lasts for generations - decades. Throughout my family tree, there have been just two people who divorced. There were a few cases of bigamy as well, but that is probably fairly common in those families that settled the southwest. Even with more than one wife... no divorces.
I have a very strong belief in marriage - a very high standard to meet.
I do believe in marriage - but I also believe in people changing. I don't believe that people at the age of 20 are the same people at the age of 50. Things happen; people change. And I do believe in cohabitation. I also believe in separate houses and long distance relationships, but that is probably another post.
I recently learned that there are advantages to cohabitation. Apparently men are more likely to help with house work, child rearing, and shared cleaning/shopping etc when the couple are living together.
This changes after marriage. A study found that once married, couples tend to fall into more traditional roles within the house. Women are more likely to do the house work while men are more likely to let them.
Why?
Is there something to the marriage contract that leaves men and women turning to traditional roles?
Does the formalization of the relationship change the dynamic?
12 comments:
I think unconsiously most people have an idea of what a marriage looks like in their heads and its probably not far off from the Cleavers. Then when faced with a new situation like marriage they will fall back on these old ideas to pacify the gibbering monkey parts of their brains.
I remember when I got married my thoughts on sex just changed unconsiously and I didn't realize it for years.
People can and do change from 20 to 50! I was 19 when I married and was 45 when I divorced. But I'm not sure living together would have made a difference! I have since re-married quite happily.. growing up changes you =)
Marriage is the anchor (leg iron?) that allows behaviors to degrade. Works a bit like a bungee cord. To a point, it may be easier to put up with a few lousy behaviors than it is to go through the divorce process. Without the bungee cord, people have to behave better to keep the mate from wanting to take the easier escape route. With time, as a couples assets and responsibilities grow, the inertia of the union increases to a degree that it becomes a nearly irresistable (immovable) force. 26 years is about enough to do that, I'd estimate.
Interesting topic. I don't know exactly what I think, but your thoughts did remind me of something that happened to me when I was 21 that I have never forgotten.
I was working in Amarillo, Texas at the time - about as deep a bastion of conservatism and "Texasism" as exists. One of my coworkers (a native) was getting married. "How long have you dated?" I asked him. "For six months," he answered. He went on to add: "A long time to wait before proposing, I know, but I like to take things slow."
I totally agree. I find that the older I get the less I think of marriage as a fairy tale and the less hurried I feel. I don't think it's a bad thing if one doesn't get married. So many people rush into it it's no wonder there are so many divorces.
This is simple mathematics...the amount of housework a male does is directly proportional to the amount of sex he THINKS he is going to get and because women turn off the tap soon after the nuptials ther decline of a man's response to screaming kids, socks on the floor and dishes in the sink proportinally drops off :)
PS: Love the idea of partners with separate residences ;)
I married young and yes, things do change as you get older and truly begin to discover yourself and who you are.
I believe cohabitation solves nothing. Couples who fail to marry have a failure to commit. That's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
A recent study determined that people gain more weight after marriage than their single counter-parts. Interestingly, the difference was found only among married couples, and co-habitating couples stayed at the lower, single weight gain (although even that level of weight gain was rather shocking). So, apparently, not only do men do more housework when co-habitating, but both partners gain less weight. The logical conclusion is that people feel more pressure to be at their best when co-habitating, and "let themselves go" after marriage. So who needs marriage?
Mike - I can see this. We fall into the roles as we imagine them to look or how we saw them demonstrated throughout our childhood. Our behavior might revert to "this is what a husband does" kind of thing.
Jstzznu - People definitely change. I am amazed at how much I have changed since graduating from college - my life has unfolded. I have so much more to offer and to give another now that I have learned who I am (to some extent) and experienced a bit of life. I am glad your second marriage is working out so well.
Brian - Marriage is a construct and a structure from which people can grow (or not). I can see that, in many cases, it might be easier to stay than to leave. The marriage becomes a known entity and a consistent aspect of life - defined roles.
James - This made me laugh. I grew up with people who shared similar outlooks as the man you described. There is that romantic side of me that thinks that such things could happen...
Airam - One of the most enlightening experiences I had was living in Europe and seeing that people don't get married (as often) as young as we do. They date for years and live separately. It is interesting to see that, in the larger US cities, this outlook is becoming more prevalent. It is still not the norm, but women are choosing to marry much later than they did ten years ago. Marriage is a lot of work - perhaps women, like you and I, are starting to realize that it isn't a fairy tale! ;)
Scorpy - Ah... mathematics! Everything boils down to math! But, you bring up another point entirely. Why, pray tell, do women do that!! This is one of those aspects of women (generally speaking) that I do not understand at all.
And... Wouldn't that be perfect - you ache your house, I have mine, and we enjoy our time together when time permits. *sigh* I wonder if it works when the parties involved live on separate continents? ;)
MC - Age and experience leaves each learning more about themselves. The trick and the challenge is to grow together while growing up. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't - I have seen both. Marriage is definitely a challenge, but worth the work I think.
Aaron - I could come back with a quick response, but I am honestly curious as to why you hold this to be true? I know couples that have committed after living together just as I have known couples how have left the relationship and married others without living with them first. Care to share your thoughts?
Walt - You know what they say "For better or for worse!" One of the signs that your souse might be having an affair is when they start caring more about their appearance - working out etc... all part of the courting process.
Weight gain is an issue though - so, along with transfat, we outlaw marriage for the sake of public health! ;)
No. Wait. What was the question?
I have nothing against the institution of marriage. I just have no interest in being institutionalized. ;)
I lived with my fiance for almost nine years before we got married which is kind of odd because most of the other women I knew were running to the altar before I hit 30. I am not sure why, but I always felt I had time to get married so I did not feel the push like alot of young couples do. I think the younger you are the more over romanticized the concept of marriage can become and can lead to unrealistic expectations. Marriage is what you make of it plain and simple. I like that practical matters are much easier than they were before, there is something to be said for that. My two cents?? People should not view marriage as a way to "prove" they love each other or feel pressured to do so but if you are with the right person and you are committed then I think it is well worth it.
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