03 October, 2007

Playing With Fire

"I have a feeling that this is something that is going to stay with me for years."
"Why?  Do you think that things would have been different?"
"It is not the outcome that bothers me.  It is that I wasn't truly myself.  I am not crazy, not an exhibitionist, and have never thrown myself at a man...I don't like that he thinks I am that person."
And it will haunt me.  It serves as an example of what happens when I let external influences blur my thinking; when I cross that line between being myself and trying to be more. 
I wish that there was a way, not to take it all back, but to... sigh... I am not sure what it is I want to do but I do not like knowing that I gave someone a false impression of the person that I am. 
Yesterday I wrote about women and their use of sex as power.  I am not one of these women.  I realize that there are women who have mastered this art to such a point that I often observe them use to power and know that the men, against whom they are using it, are clueless to what is happening.  These women are not after the men themselves.  They are after something that the men can give.   
When I use sexuality, it is not very subtle.  It is out there; over the top; with blinking red and blue lights ensuring that everyone knows that I am here and ready for fun. 
And this has happened once. 
And I was proven to be powerless. 
Not only did the power of sex not prove to be my friend but, I was not being myself.  The latter stings more than the former ever could. 
Today I can do many things to change that image that I so flagrantly portrayed; to try and demonstrate the person that I truly am.  I can send text, e-mail, leave messages, place a phone call, create a chance meeting, take out an ad in the Washington Post or the New York Times... Each would leave me looking that much more crazy.  Rather than demonstrating my perfectly sane and amazing self, I would further a negative image that already haunts me. 
Thus, I do nothing.  I have learned a lesson from this experience, it is better to be true to oneself than to play with fire.  In that I mean, sex is a powerful tool that is best left in the hands of those who truly know how to use it.  
I will stick to sharing it with a select few in a creative, playful, and intimate manner, because honesty suits me best.  That's just the way I roll!  


Michael C said...

Well said. I do not do well when I try to be something I completely am not. It used to bother me, but it doesn't any longer.

I'm sure the select few are happy you have come to this realization.

Laughing Boy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wombat said...

That would be a knock-back would it, EO?

Unpleasant animal, the knock back, especially when you've gone over the top decorating yourself with lights and all.

But to your point. Yes! Now to find that select person.

Laughing Boy said...

your point is taken and agreed.........
however i would be lying now if i will not be checking your blog hoping (pleading) for a post that has 'blinking red and blue lights' in it!!!

cathouse teri said...

No joke. To thine own self be true. Reminds me of a story. (No shit, Teri? A story?)

Once, I was moving into one of two apartments with my sister. We both wanted the bigger one, so we flipped for it. I only had one coin in my purse. The sobriety coin my grandfather had gotten from AA for .. oh I dunno .. his 25th anniversary or something. Anyway, loving that line, I said, "I want the TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE side." She said, "kay" I flipped the coin and won. She said, "Damn! Hey, what did the other side say?"

I said,
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

ruby said...

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken. ~Oscar Wilde

JustRun said...

I know what you mean, I've never been great about nor comfortable with using sexuality for any gaining purpose. Usually, when it comes to that point, I've already used something else to get what I want, like food. Haha. :)

Kat Wilder said...

I agree with Ruby because I just love Oscar Wilde! So clever.

Although, the over-the-top-lights-blinking woman is a part of you, too. I mean, we all have those sides to us that aren't pretty and can be rather ugly. Accepting that is important, as important as keeping those sides in check. And, as is often the case, those are the sides in which we learn the most about ourself.

And when you think about it, we have many "selves" — the mom, the worker, the friend, the flirt, the ex, the daughter, blah, blah, blah. We're like a gumbo. Sometimes, one flavor is more assertive than the others. (I hate it when it's okra, though ...)

The Exception said...

MC - As hard as it is at times, being yourself is the only way to fly. And, as for the select few - I haven't had any complaints - but then they are men so, I am not sure they would complain! ;)

Wombat - Yeah, I thought the candles, ribbons, and such were great additions to the package!

Okay, so help me find this select guy!!! Of course, I would prefer one that does not dress as you observe in the airport!

Oh I love this story Teri! You can drop by and tell stories anytime and know that they are appreciated.

LG - I can't promise the lights on the site, but I can assure that I am not beyond using them with the right guy!

Ruby - I love that quote.

Just Run - The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I think you have something there! (Of course, the way to my heart is great Italian food so it doesn't just apply to men!)

The Exception said...

Kat - Too True. That person is a part of myself, I just keep her in check until the situation is right. There are so many facets to each of us, which is part of the reason I love people, but it is also a reason for me to keep an open mind to learn and accept myself!

Scotty said...

There are so many facets to each of us

I liked that, it makes us unique. And wanting to be something that we are not makes us just like the others. Being true to oneself can be difficult at times, but be true to yourself can be the beginning to being a better person.