"I have a feeling that this is something that is going to stay with me for years."
"Why? Do you think that things would have been different?"
"It is not the outcome that bothers me. It is that I wasn't truly myself. I am not crazy, not an exhibitionist, and have never thrown myself at a man...I don't like that he thinks I am that person."
And it will haunt me. It serves as an example of what happens when I let external influences blur my thinking; when I cross that line between being myself and trying to be more.
I wish that there was a way, not to take it all back, but to... sigh... I am not sure what it is I want to do but I do not like knowing that I gave someone a false impression of the person that I am.
Yesterday I wrote about women and their use of sex as power. I am not one of these women. I realize that there are women who have mastered this art to such a point that I often observe them use to power and know that the men, against whom they are using it, are clueless to what is happening. These women are not after the men themselves. They are after something that the men can give.
When I use sexuality, it is not very subtle. It is out there; over the top; with blinking red and blue lights ensuring that everyone knows that I am here and ready for fun.
And this has happened once.
And I was proven to be powerless.
Not only did the power of sex not prove to be my friend but, I was not being myself. The latter stings more than the former ever could.
Today I can do many things to change that image that I so flagrantly portrayed; to try and demonstrate the person that I truly am. I can send text, e-mail, leave messages, place a phone call, create a chance meeting, take out an ad in the Washington Post or the New York Times... Each would leave me looking that much more crazy. Rather than demonstrating my perfectly sane and amazing self, I would further a negative image that already haunts me.
Thus, I do nothing. I have learned a lesson from this experience, it is better to be true to oneself than to play with fire. In that I mean, sex is a powerful tool that is best left in the hands of those who truly know how to use it.
I will stick to sharing it with a select few in a creative, playful, and intimate manner, because honesty suits me best. That's just the way I roll!