Jamie finally broke down and had a play date at her house. Her 7 year old daughter had a friend over, and apparently one of the first words out of this little girl's mouth was ... penis... and Jamie's daughter proceeded to ask her mother what the word meant.
The grandmother telling the story laughed explaining that kids are different these days than they were when she was raising her girls.
Neither Anne or myself blinked. Though we are nearly ten years apart in age, we both have 8 year old daughters and our ideas about raising them are very similar, especially when it comes to human anatomy and sex.
For some, like this grandmother and her daughter who had hosted the play date, penis is a word not often used publicly. Though we don't use the word often, a penis is a penis in our house. The Diva has heard friends call it by other names, but in our house it is what it is and always has been... and we call it by its proper name.
I am a bit liberal when it comes to discussing sex and human anatomy with the Diva. I don't offer more information than she requests nor do I initiate a conversation, but when she asks, I am comfortable answering using the most direct language possible.
At an early age she was fascinated by the development of babies and child birth. We discussed this often and in very biological terms. However, when she asked how the sperm got to the egg... well, I realized that her questions were above and beyond my ability to answer them as correctly and age appropriately as required. Luckily, I had purchased a book! "It's so Amazing" is written for kids with such questions.
I didn't give her the book, rather, she found it. I didn't buy it to escape the conversations and discussions, but more to allow her a chance to read and then ask questions - which is exactly what has happened. Everything is comfortable and relaxed; it is natural and nothing is taboo.
This might be one of those ways that I, and my friend Anne, are exceptions. Although I have explained to the Diva that what she reads and what we discuss needs to stay between us or her and other trusted adults, I am not sure she understands why. For her the subject is no big deal. Boys have a penis - so what?
For other parents and other kids the subject is a big deal.
I remember being completely embarrassed if my parents brought up the subject or when a sex scene appeared on TV while we were all watching. We never had the "talk," and I am not really sure how I figured everything out all those years ago - but apparently I did!
I wanted it to be different in my house; I have made it different in my house!
It is interesting that the human body and the topic of sex create such unease and discomfort for people. Even though I am trying to create a comfortable environment around the topic, I must admit that sometimes her questions leave me grasping for words. I can see why some parents do not want to address the topic and why others avoid it like the plague. But why is something so natural and so much a part of life and society so uncomfortable to discuss??
15 comments:
Great book and great way to handle it. In years to come this openess will mean a lot to the Diva.
Seems like I was raised (in regard to the talk and such) the same way you were.. maybe its a generational thing?
Mike - It is a great book - the one for the kids in the next age group is supposedly fabulous!
Scotty - hum... well, that could be except that you are at least a generation or two younger than me - which makes you a boy toy!
I cannot even believe the things my boys have asked me over the years. My oldest started especially young, when at the age of five, he asked me what a blow job was.
I damn near wrecked the car!
Kids are sexually curious — they've all touched themselves, whether accidentally or deliberately — and discovered, wow, that feels good.
The best gift you can give to the Diva is to talk openly and honestly, in an age-appropriate way, using the correct terms (please, not vajayjay!) about what the body's about and what certain parts are used for.
And it's uncomfortable because even "enlightened" adults feel uncomfortable about it. It's amazing the ignorance out there about the way the body works.
It's up to us to make the next generation smart, healthy, happy and safe! And comfortabale talking about it
I think, in many cases, our discomfort has more to do with the company than the topic. For instance, I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing my sex life in great details with my parents or my sister; on the other hand, I can easily do that with my close friends. My psychological makeup just doesn't allow me to associate my own family members with sex. I'm sure genetic experts will have a lot to say on this topic.
It definitely was pretty much a generational thing when I was a kid - my Mom never told me anything about anything!! Totally ignorant and naive, that was pretty much me. I resolved to try to be as open as I possibly could muster myself to be with my kids. THey never really asked me any specific questions but at times, around the supper table (about the only time my three and I were all together) things would be discussed. But they knew they could ask me if they wanted to know something and I would be honest with them too. Now, I'm a grandmother and with two of my little grandchildren all the time and I wonder how my daughter will handle this when it comes up. She agrees with me that openness is a much better route to take - just how to word things at times is the difficult part. Take pride in your methods with the Diva though as it will pay back large rewards to you -and her -down the road.
T-Shirt - I can't even imagine. I asked my mom what a 69 was when I was in the 6th grade. My grandmother happened to be there. My mom thought she was going to faint. But that was probably the last time I asked my mom anything like that.
Kat - That is an excellent goal and one I intend to further.
Kenneth - I can't imagine discussing it with family either. They just don't have sex. I have no idea how my brother ended up with 5 kids because... he doesn't do that!
Jeni - I am sure that it will be interesting for you to watch how your daughter handles the subject. Last night the Diva and I sat and watched a National Geographic about human development - one cell to old age. We both learned something I think - and no one was uncomfortable... though I am not sure her dad was overly impressed with our watching it. Such is life. My daughter is going to understand the potential results of her actions!
NO KIDDING, why are people so paranoid about sex talk. I grew up in a home where it was "icky" to even think about. I am with you on being open....when the Boy was two and asked what the "little round circle things are" (meaning his nutsack) I just stated "those are testicles son". And they have been called "tentacles" since that day :)
It is a bit odd that our society embraces violence but is offended by sexuality. One ends life and the other is part of the creation. ~shrugs~ What can you do?
I really like your way of keeping things factual and open. Much better than my findings of my dad's Playboys as a kid.
I was following this blog in a serious manner until I found this:
"Boys have a penis - so what?"
I'll take it easy on you, but this is your pass for the month. :P
It is a good book; and uncomfortable? Who knows... perhaps it's not something that we're totally ok with talking about - at least with our parents.
Doozie - That is funny. At least he got the idea!
Seven Seas - That is an odd aspect of our society - one is openly accepted and one is not. What is your take on the reason?
Aaron - It was her attitude, not mine!!
Carrie - Maybe the key is to get it all out in the open before kids are at an age when it becomes uncomfortable for them to discuss it with their parents.
I would have to say that alot of the social taboo about sexuality is stemmed from our Puritan roots. From an early age we are taught that sex is dirty, maybe not overtly but it is still there. On the other hand our heroes have always chosen the sword or the gun to talking (wild west gun slingers, swashbuckling pirates, or today's action stars). I think this conditioning is part of the reason behind the double standard. Just my two cents
SS - You are probably right. I have traveled a lot and lived in other countries. I find it interesting to see the differences in the way sex in handled. My Swedish friends thought nothing of having a boy spend the night when they were... 15! That just doesn't happen here - everything is taboo!
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