How often does one member of a relationship omit information in order to keep the other member comfortable; in order not to create waves?
This is the topic that a friend and I discussed via e-mail. She sat in Arizona while I sat here in the asylum pondering this issue.
Jay enjoys an amazing relationship with his X wife. They are friends, really and truly friends. Their relationship speaks highly of the people they are and the friendship that they share. For his birthday, the X baked a cake and brought it to his house. She wasn't staying for dinner, but brought over dessert for Jay and his family.. and his current girlfriend. Although Jay's girlfriend knows about his X and their friendship, he elected not to tell her that the X had baked the cake when she asked.
I related this story to my friend in AZ... and thus the conversation took flight. Jay didn't tell his girlfriend who baked the cake because he didn't want to make her uncomfortable - yet she knows about their friendship etc.
How often does this happen?
And why?
I know men who won't tell their wives that they are having lunch with a woman because, it creates issues. The woman might be a friend or a business associate, but as far as the wife is concerned, if a woman is involved, there is an "issue." So, the husband does not elaborate on the gender of the associate; the lunch either didn't happen or it is not mentioned that the company was female.
I know several men who do this, to varying degrees. One guy told me that it is about picking your battles. No matter how honest he is with his wife, she believes one thing. Nothing is going to change her mind - even the truth. It is easier to say nothing at all or to omit the involvement of a woman.
Is this something that men do often? Is it something that women do as well?
I can't imagine being in a relationship where the man feels that it is better to omit information or lie to me in order to keep things on an even keel; to keep the peace. I also can't imagine my man having female associates and friends as an issue that would create tension.
Another man explained that it is about the risk involved. There is a point when keeping the situation and the peace becomes the priority. The last thing that anyone wants is for a simple lunch or friendship to be misunderstood and result in irreconcilable differences. The guy has a choice, he isolates himself from women, omits information from the woman in his life, or takes the risk that comes with being honest.
At the risk of sounding bewildered or confused, the question that never leaves my mind (despite all the above explanation and logical argument) is why did you enter and stay in a relationship that places such restrictions; in which there is a continual fear of loss that is only eliminated through dishonesty?
6 comments:
Same questions in my mind. Why are you in a relationship with someone you don't believe you can trust? OR, why are you in a relationship with someone who can't trust you?
Ugh. It's annoying. Go to lunch, have dinner... whatever. My relationships will never be about insecurity or jealousy. Not that I haven't seen that in the past, but I grew up.
I'm not sure it's about restrictions. Might just be more about respect. For instance, Jay may not be omitted the information in order that he will be safe from her ire or mistrust. He may just be considering her and, knowing it's nothing to him that the woman baked him a cake, he treats it as nothing.
I do find it strange. I mean, you'd think he would just say, "Hey my X made this for me. Isn't that nice?"
But like I said, if I were to tell my guy that I'm having dinner with a male coworker, and my guy is 3,000 miles away, it could make him feel uncomfortable. Not jealous exactly. Just sorta feel inept in a way. Not a big enough deal for him to say, "What? You're having dinner with a man who is not me??" But just enough to give him a nagging little thought.
Now if I know that the dinner isn't worth putting him through that, I might not mention it.
The need/desire for a relationship, rather than a good relationship.
Oh, and the "he/she will change" phenomena.
Trust is a key thing. Omitting some facts to keep things going smooth usually ends up blowing up big, when they are (and they usually are) discovered. Seems easier to be up front to begin with. Of course this could be why I am still single...
The man might not want his current wife/girlfriend knows he had dinner with his X so as to avoid issues even though there's nothing between them. However, has he ever thought it would look a lot worse when the current wife/girlfriend actually finds out what happened?
I was very hurt when I discovered evidence that my then boyfriend had met his online friend (who is a female, and is also his type) while I was away on vacation. I would rather him tell me about it instead. Covering it up led me think there's something more than just friendship.
I have a lot more trust in a relationship when I know that the truth is always being told. There is actually a huge difference between honesty and truthfulness. You can honestly say that a friend baked the cake for you, but you weren't exactly fully truthful. The trust breaks down when the full truth comes out. If you cannot fully disclose the things that are going on in the relationships that you have with other people, then how can you ever fully open yourself to the person you supposedly love? Some people like the intrigue I suppose. Gender neutral statements are big red flags for me now because they have been used against me in the past.
It is like saying it is easier to lie to be next to someone than it is to be truly intimate with them. Why reveal the intimacy of your other relationships to the person you are attempting to be intimate with?
The Hinder song "Lips of Angel" kind of speaks to this as well. Two people sharing intimacy that they don't want their significant others knowing about.
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