Life is about balance.
The balance of family and work and personal life. The balance of calories and exercise and indulgence. It is about finding that center ground in the midst of the height of joy and the depth of sorrow.
The Yin and the Yang.
It seems so easy to look at a life, from the outside, and say... this is were it needs to change, this is where you need to add or eliminate. You need to work less and play more. You need to take more and give less.
From the outside, it is easy to see where the black and white intersect; where one thread needs to move to bring the tapestry into balance. We can see where to manipulate the weights. We can identify the single grain of sand that is throwing everything out of balance.
From the inside, from where I stand in my life at this very moment, finding that balance is not so easy. It isn't even as straight forward as I would like to believe or as I wish it were.
From as far back as I can remember, I have been "responsible." I am a "go to" kind of person. Pro-active, problem solver, confident, if I don't have the answer I will find it. I make things happen. As a parent, this has come in handy as I have utilized all these skills to my advantage and to the benefit of my daughter.
As a woman, these characteristics are creating challenges; challenges that I do not like and fear I can not over come. The problem seems to be getting worse rather than getting better. It is no longer just a challenge in my mind but a problem. And I, for one, am completely unsure as to how to make it better.
I am starting to understand that my strength, confidence, and pro-active nature come across, to men, as assertive and a tad over the top. The men that I tend to attract are not those of a similar mind, but are those who desire these attributes to be a part of my sexuality. They are not seeking a balance, they are seeking me to be more.
I am not more.
They want to see something that isn't there or they want to overlook the aspects of me that are soft and giving and generous, the aspects that need to let go and give the weight and responsibilities to another. I seem to have become a hard, assertive person with everything together instead of a woman who does everything possible to keep things together and yet craves the intimacy and companionship of a partner.
How do I find balance in my own life when those around me - those I attract - add weight to the responsible, pro-active, can do it all side of the scale? Can I achieve balance before I fizzle and burn out completely?